The Biscuit Horoscope
LE HOROSCOPE DE BISCUIT
Your crumby future – revealed! Brought to you by Septical Peg. If I eat a whole packet of jaffa cakes in one sitting, I can see into the future.
Malted Milk – March 21st to April 19th
You were born near a duck pond. You appear deceptively tasty, but fail to deliver on flavour. Your ideal occupation would be arable based. Avoid Tuesdays.
Marks and Spencer Dark Chocolate Ginger – April 20th to May 20th
90% of people find you bitter and unpleasantly chewy. But what do those sugar junkies know about the real you? To the other 10%, you epitomise class. They’re just not quite sure why. Your destiny is at least semi-detached.
Asda Fruit Shrewsbury with Lemon Drizzle – May 21 to June 21
You have a slight limp. Or you will develop one. Most can afford you, but few deserve you. You have a tendency to get above yourself, but remember, currants are the poor man’s sultanas.
Mint Viscount – June 22nd to July 22nd
A noble sign, not reflected in your tendency to melt under pressure and stick to the pallet. Be sure people do not mistake your peppermint interior for false prophecy. You should work with fabric.
Tunnocks Wafer – July 23 to August 22nd
People are irresistibly drawn to your cheerful, Christmas themed exterior, despite the fact you contain nothing but crappy old wafer. Take advantage of that. You probably only cost about 10p to produce, but you taste at least 25. Always wear socks on the weekend.
Tesco’s Finest Soft Eating Orange and Cranberry Cookies – August 23rd to September 22nd
You lure the innocent with promises of fruit, and then destroy their dentures. Nice work. Avoid tartan, it will do little for you.
Dean’s Scottish Preserve Shortbread – September 23rd to October 22nd
Your childhood was cold. As are your loins. But your buttery goodness will outlast all others. Tread carefully over large holes.
Lyons Fruit Snap Jacks – October 23rd to November 21st
As your title suggests, you’re a little too zingy for the average Joe. Your future is in the leather industry. Always use a coaster.
Morning Coffee – November 22nd to December 21st
Your ideal day would involve being immersed in warm liquid and nibbled at, over a discussion on fallopian tubes, and Margaret’s wayward teenage son who vandalised Cynthia’s tulips.
Fox’s Sprinkle Crinkle Crunch – December 22nd to January 19th
Don’t let others tread you into the carpet.
Sainsbury’s Lemon Thin – January 20th to February 18th
Never accept lifts from strangers. You are far too feeble to fight off their unwanted advances. Your hair lacks body and volume, try blowdrying it upside down.
Weston’s Wagon Wheels – February 19th to March 20th
You were mauled by a large dog (or a small bear) at an early age. But that’s your own fault for being so damned tasty. You are irrepressible, unstoppable, and impossible to dislodge from expensive fabric.
Tags: Beachdownwriter
What's on your mind?
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May 17th 2009 | 1
Cat says:
Spooky I was born IN a duck pond
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Ak@UK Horoscopes says:
This is a great article,thanks for sharing this informative information.. I will visit your blog regularly for some latest post.I know most people at face value just take what they are told by Astrologers.It is a very complex science.
