Fans of the five finger discount should definitely be considering a trip to Jamie’s Italian on Black Lion Street. If you enjoy the crafty acquisition of ‘souvenirs’ from the scene of every good time, then forget the food, tasty though it is, and concentrate on the loot. 

In order to recreate a suitably rustic Italian scene, the easy to reach shelves that run around the dining area are crammed with expensive cans of vine tomatoes and heavy bottles of olive oil.

Given that they are attempting to sell olive oil at some rather interesting prices, you’d be forgiven for helping yourself to a free bottle.

The antipasti plank is placed triumphantly atop two of those tins of tomatoes when it is brought to the table, and what self-respecting waiter has time to notice those disappearing? Indeed, what self-respecting customer would choose to leave them there?

There’s also a rustic bread board full of enormous loaves of ciabatta, which the staff frequently leave unattended, and meat strung from anything that looks like it could take the weight. Easily plucked down and made off with during a busy period. Or help yourself to a serious lump of the decorative cheese that grace every counter.

Best of all, the napkins on each table are available to purchase at £12 each, so provided you don’t get clumsy with your spaghetti, you can easily sneak away with a pristine set.

No booking required, just big pockets.

Firstly, at the start of this week,  a freecycle splinter group was formed GreenCycleSussex . This is the moderators from Brighton Freecycle going it alone.

Then, some dude called Larry informed me that the original freecycle group is still going.

So, who, what, why?

It is all a big ego thing, everyone wants to be the boss, make the decisions. And just like the way fractured oppostion allowed Hitler to rise up and be naughty, the only loser will be the cause.

Or in a less dramatic analogy it is like when all the members of Boyzone launched solo careers. The only people to lose out were the fans. So, who is to be the Ronan Keating of the freecycle world?

And why is there a squabble over the use of the name “Freecycle” ? Does Al Gore object to the use by other of of “Global Warming” and “Carbon Footprint”? You can read some petty nonsense here

While the freecycle civil war rages, I suggest you just use Gumtree instead. (It works better anyway)

Did you know that Brighton and Hove has a geological bedrock – the ‘elephant bed’, running beneath it? Well, no, why would you? 

So you’d best settle down for a brief geology lesson. Sussex was once a mysterious place under the sea. Much like it’s modern day residents discard their clothes at the first sniff of summer, coccolithophores - the microscopic algae that formed the primeval population of Brighton, would discard their shells and leave them to form the chalky mass we now know as the South Downs.

Keeping up? Well, inspired by those same wanton coccolithophores that would strip so readily, all those thousands of leagues ago,  American sculptor John Grade has created The Elephant Bed. An immense installation, it’s showing exclusively at the Fabrica Gallery,which was set up back in 1996 at the deconsecrated Holy Trinity church, by a group of artists from Red Herring studios. This is Grade’s first UK exhibition and Fabrica’s focus for the summer, so go forth and marvel, it starts today.

Dates: 11 July – 31 August 2009

Gallery opening times: Wednesday – Saturday 12-5.30pm
Thursdays in August till 7pm
Sundays & bank holidays 2-5pm

Entrance free

www.fabrica.org.uk
www.johngrade.com

However, at this weekend’s Japanese festival (kindly brought to the people of Brighton by Moshi Moshi) Seiko Kato caught my woefully inexperienced and lazy eye. A graduate from the University of Brighton, and now a freelance illustrator, she has produced a startling range of collages, drawings, textiles and 3D montages. All made from, or inspired by, items she has built up a collection of over the last 5 years. Damn, this woman must have some storage space.

Perhaps a little too eerie and complex for your average mantelpiece or downstairs bathroom, you should still definitely find some time to peruse her work, and see where it takes you. Make sure the kiddies are in bed first though.

www.seikokato.com

We all fancy a bit of that, don’t we? There’s a reason that song hung around for so long. And it isn’t because it was actually any good. It’s because most of us yearn for, or at least occasionally crave a personal jet on standby, a queue of quivering fans offering to lick us all over and a healthy disregard for the rules of modern society, ‘cos they don’t apply to mofo-ing superstars. Hedonism is great fun. If you can afford it.

Well, there is one way to feel like a genuine star of rock, without having to take out a second mortgage, or bite the head off something small, innocent, and still breathing. Go somewhere posh and exclusive. Behave very, very badly. Get kicked out. Take a seat in the gutter and revel in your newly acquired bad ass.  Instant credibility. Sort of. Well, it works for Liam Gallagher. Sort of.

The Hanbury Club, 83 St George’s Road, BN2 1EF

“ The club evokes the old school supper club feel of the 20’s and 30’s but with an up to date vibe.”

Excellent. Assemble yourself an entourage, don a monacle and book a table. Best eat beforehand though, because you should be flicking the food at each other, rather than rolling it around your well-trained pallete. Extra points for gargling with the award-winning cocktails.

Blanche House, 17 Atlingworth Street, BN2 1PL

If you want to wreck a room, there are 12 to choose from. Put it on somebody else’s credit card though, as they range from £100 to £230 a night. Maybe stick to stealing towels. But make sure the staff see you leaving with them. The bar here was a finalist in the Best in Britain competition, so I suggest you straddle it without delay, and try and get the other customers to join in a chorus of ‘Come on Eileen’.

MyHotel, 17 Jubilee Street, BN1 1GE

“where Freddie Mercury meets the Maharishi”

Oh yer? Well how about we give it a temporary makeover – Spinal Tap meets Amy Winehouse? Not only will you get to mingle with the elite here, there’s a good chance you can also ruin their exclusive evening. Send the Cumbrian air-dried ham back to the kitchen, insisting it tastes damp. If your slow roast Sussex lamb doesn’t make it to your table in under ten minutes, turn the table over.

 La Fourchette, 104-105 Western Road, BN1 2AA

Peruse the wine list. Insist on sampling the most expensive choices, at £45 a bottle, the Puligny Montrachet 2006 should do nicely. Declare they all taste like Toilet Duck. Produce four cans of premium lager from your bag. See if you can crack one open before being asked to leave.

Browns, 3-4 Duke Street, BN1 1AH

“Browns has a history of investing in interesting and often historic or listed buildings as premises – with striking features such as high ceilings, panoramic windows and wooden floors all providing focal.”

Do try not to piss up against a period feature now won’t you? From 4pm, Wednesday to Sunday, Browns host Martini nights. After a few of these, you and your entourage should have no trouble getting loud and abusive and easily earn yourself a coveted place on the bans list.

When my dad found out I was moving to Brighton, he launched an insistent campaign to get me to reconsider. He suggested Worthing, or at a push, Shoreham. Naturally, I ignored him.

 When the deed was done, and my boyfriend of the time and I were firmly ensconced in our first city pad (above a chip shop, oh the glamour) Dad decided to confirm his suspicions and pay us a visit. We planned an evening of gentle, non-threatening activities to ease him onto the scene, a quick drink, a nice meal. Nevertheless, he didn’t take too kindly to the Brighton night life.

Getting ID’d at the first pub didn’t help. Then he sat in the corner clutching his pint and staring at all the people with funny hats and purple hair. For some reason, he found it all a bit un-nerving.

He calmed down a bit when we got to the restaurant. Until that is, my brother spotted two women straddling each other in a parked car just outside the window, and gave us a running commentary of their every action throughout the main course. ‘She’s got her hand down her top now’; ‘the blonde one’s sticking her tongue in the other one’s ear now’.

It was a beautiful family moment, as we sat watching the impromptu floor show over the Thai green curry. My dad was in bed by half past ten that night, with a nice cup of chamomile tea and some rather interesting memories.

Despite my continued efforts to convince him that this town isn’t all about iniquity, vice and dingy streets splattered with vomit, Dad remains firmly convinced that no good can come of living here. He doesn’t quite seem to grasp that informal street theatre, subversive fashion statements, dimly lit venues and breezy freedom are why most people move here.  Not to drop out of society and prematurely end their days shooting up in a bin.

However, if you know somebody of a similar opinion, it’s always a bit of a laugh to take them for a walk on the wild and weird side. Somewhere they are guaranteed to find strange, and probably offensive. Just to see their face. These are a few locations where alternative living, Brighton style, can be observed in all its skewed glory.  

Punktured, 35 Gardner Street, BN1 1UN

Dermal punching, scarification – I don’t know what these procedures entail, or how the end result will look, but the staff at Punktured sure as heck do. They will pierce anything you care to place on the slab. Hence the name, I suppose. Body art is oft misunderstood, so you can hang around outside and watch the freshly punctured customers leave with expressions of satisfaction, or if you’re feeling adventurous, prove your point by having something pierced yourself. 

Tickled, 15 Gardner Street, BN1 1UP

At first glance, this shop looks like the sort of gaff to pick up a slightly cheeky gift. A few friendly looking vibrators peer coquettishly from the shelves, but they are very tastefully packaged. There’s some lovely bath stuff, a range of naughty fridge magnets….venture down to the lower floor however, and your eyes will be straining to take in a huge range of sex toys and accessories, to suit every possibly orifice. A lot less gaudy but definitely more specialised than Ann Summers, and plenty for the daring to get to grips with, and the not-so daring to get the giggles over.

Dragon’s Gate, 13 St James’s St, BN2 1RE

Officially classed as a new age and ethnic store, this is a haven for pagans, witches, warlocks and anybody else who likes to dabble with the mysterious. Shrouded in incense and mystical gloom, it sells ornaments, robes, herbs, text books – I wouldn’t be surprised to see a jar of poisoned dragon’s liver on the counter. You can reach out and touch the occult here. But you might want to wear gloves.

The Marketplace, 7-8 Meeting House Lane, BN1 1HB

‘Drugs paraphernalia step right up and get yer lovely drugs paraphernalia…’ Aimed at students, staffed by people who look like they certainly know what they are taking, sorry, talking about, The Marketplace wouldn’t be entirely out of place in a scene from Harry Potter. Once Harry has turned 18, obviously. It stocks a vast and almost magical range of everything you could possibly need to, well, you know, do your thing.

The Zone, 33 St James’s St, BN2 1RF

Much like live comedy, it’s best to sit at the back when watching a drag queen perform. Anybody within ten feet of the stage tends to become a target. Unfortunately, The Zone is just a bit too small to escape the attention, so best come prepared, and fortify yourself with a few drinks before the act begins. These ladies are here to perform, and probably force some unfortunate audience members to do the same. Cabaret, karaoke and general crudeness, straight up (sort of).

‘cos no-one’s gonna stare…

As we all know, the British don’t like to make eye contact with strangers or sit next to them on trains. Unless of course, they’ve consumed a frothing vat of alcohol, in which case they will hug, kiss, lick, dry hump or assault anybody that happens to enter their blurry line of vision. Does this suggest to anybody else that we are a nation starved of affection, that all we really want to do is reach out and touch somebody, but we’re worried we might catch something? Why is it only through numbing our brains and having our faces go a bit wonky that we can gather the courage to express ourselves? To ask for love? And acceptance? And phone numbers?

I’m getting slightly off the point here. What I actually want to talk about is dancing. Dancing like nobody is watching, or if they are, that they are seriously impressed with what they are seeing. We British not only seem to need large quantities of alcohol to ignore our heritage and give in to our hormones, but also to do anything on the dance floor other than avoid it. However, a few BOGOF shots and suddenly everybody is at it. And everybody thinks they are brilliant at it. Marvellous!

But no matter how much cheap booze is consumed, some of us still struggle to perform. You may have guessed, I am one of these chosen few. Unfortunately, most of the clubs I’ve been to play the sort of music that gets the beautiful people onto the floor, wiggling their hotpant-clad rears like baboons on heat. I normally go home and have a Cup-a-Soup at this point in the evening.

If, like me, you find it difficult to have a good time in an establishment where everybody seems to know what they’re doing, rhythmically speaking, and in fact, the whole place reminds you of the set of a music video shoot, and you know that there is no way you’re cool enough to be there, and maybe you should just give it up, go home and have a good cry….WAIT! There is hope. Those who enjoy soullessly pursuing the next big thing, name-dropping and general showing off will probably sneer and keep moving. Balls to them. The clubs listed below are the ones I’ve found that play the kind of music you can dance exactly how you like to. Regardless of how much you might flail your arms, do the twist or just bounce about like a child on a Haribo high.

The Funky Fish, 19-23 Marine Parade, BN2 1TL

They say it themselves – “We’re not bothered about sexy surroundings, flashy lights, toilet attendants, or dress codes, we just want to have a rocking party with the best possible service we can provide to our customers.”

Amen to that. A solid and thoroughly unpretentious mix of soul, funk, jazz and Motown, will strip away your inhibitions and insist you take to the floor. No strobe lights, no shiny surfaces – a space for those who choose substance over style.

Casablanca Jazz Club, 3 Middle Street, BN1 1A

Head downstairs for live bands and fizzing latino, upstairs for jazz, funk, disco and soul. Again, the interior décor really doesn’t matter, as it can never truly compensate for atmosphere. You won’t have to worry about spilling a drink and ruining something plush, I reckon Casablanca last had a re-fit in 1973. A laid-back bunch of people normally congregate on both floors, so feel free to dance like your uncle at a family party. Hey, they might just join you.

Legends Bar & The Basement Club, 31-34 Marine Parade, BN2 1TR

Open till 4 and free entry for all, if that alone doesn’t tempt you, the playlist is stuffed with guilty pop pleasures. Except there is nothing to feel guilty about, you hear me? If you don’t have a handbag to dance around, somebody is sure to lend you theirs.  Pull whatever moves you please, the music demands it.

The Engine Room, 5 Preston Street, BN1 2HX

Stumble down the spiral staircase and immerse yourself in a basement world of alternative tunes. Goth, metal, glam rock – if you like the dark and heavy side then this is where you can mosh it all up without a care in the world. Bring eyeliner. 

Revenge, 32 Old Steine, BN1 1EL

Revenge is one of those places where it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing or who you’re holding hands with. So is anybody really going to give a flying fish how you dance? Stick to level 1 for a rich choice of pop that will have you weeping with nostalgia, or up to level 2 if hardcore house and trance is more your thang. As long as you don’t flinch at the thought of unisex toilets, it’s almost impossible to feel self-conscious here.

It’s inevitable. One minute you two are dawdling over dessert in an intimate restaurant setting, exchanging loving banter over what to call your first cat / car/ child. The next, you’re having to ask the waiter to remove any leftover cutlery from the table, as an idle remark from your partner has filled you with such terrible rage that jamming a fork up their nostril is becoming increasingly tempting.

Arguments are a natural part of the proceedings when two people have strong feelings for each other. So it’s important to choose your venue with care.  You don’t want to get so carried away that you end up with an ASBO and a life-long ban from Pizza Express. However, you also don’t want to have to repress the resentment until you get home. That could lead to heartburn. Similarly, if you only ever kick off behind closed doors, it can result in significant damage to a piece of furniture you really rather like. In addition, for a truly successful argument, you need a few key elements which are difficult to obtain at home:

- Enough space to speak in raised voices without the intimate nature of your discussion being available for everyone else to enjoy.

- Members of the public present at a suitable distance. As long as you are even slightly socially conscious, this can ensure that things don’t get entirely out of control. Bystanders can also be dragged in to mediate, should the need arise.

- Distractions. For those long and terrible silences, which often occur after a particularly cutting remark or outrageous statement. You need something interesting to stare at as you blink back the tears. Curtains don’t really cut it.

Where can you guarantee that all of the above will be available? Well, there is a reason people are always being asked to ‘take it outside’. Brighton and Hove has 98 parks and public open spaces. In any one of these you can sit and squabble, walk and squabble, bang your head against a tree or sulk on a bench.

Hopefully, you will find all you need to make that row a memorable one at the following outdoor venues. Happy harping!

Royal Pavilion Gardens , BN1 1EE

Defuse the tension by ruminating on the splendour of the Pavilion. Or have it cranked up a notch by a toddler stamping through your picnic, this place is very popular with young families, which means you will probably have to keep swearing to a minimum. Use your words.

Rookery Rock Garden, opp. Preston Park, BN1 6HN

A visit in the early evening almost guarantees you privacy – climb right to the top to see across Brighton, and your future as a couple. There is also the option of pushing an unreasonable lover into the ornamental pond.

Queen’s Park, South Avenue, BN2 0BP

There’s a hell of a duck pond located here, where you can either choose to feed the inhabitants, or throw the stale bread at your sparring partner. If your rage cannot be expressed in mere words, you could always thrash it out on one of the four tennis courts.

The Level, Ditchling Road, BN1

Always lots of activity taking place at the Level; juggling, skate boarding, drug dealing. This can provide  that much-needed distraction, when you’ve come to a temporary halt in proceedings, and staring at your feet seems too defeatist.

Stanmer Park, BN1 9QA

Easily accessible thanks to bus 78, which leaves from the Old Steine, you can stamp across 200 hectares of distinctive Sussex countryside. Dramatic and sweeping – perfect for a monumental domestic.

Next week –

the best places in Brighton to feel fat and happy

This is an entry for the Beachdownwriter Competition.

See all of the entries here

For the Festival www.beachdownfestival.com

 Do you remember that scene in Jurassic Park, when fellow scientists Dr Grant and Dr Sattler, lay their disbelieving peepers on a dinosaur for the first time? There’s a reminder to your left if you don’t, or you had the good sense not to see the film.

Grant and Sattler obviously knew that dinosaurs existed at some point. They’ve dedicated their careers to brushing the dust off the evidence. But their overwhelming surprise at being able to cruise past a flock, or a herd, or whatever it is you call a group of dinosaurs (a school, a pride, a gathering?) in a gaudy 4×4, as if this were just a day out at the West Midlands Safari Park, beggars their belief. As you can see by their faces.

Something very similar happens to my face every time I watch a film or TV programme that features characters smoking in enclosed spaces.  Sparking up at the office for example, or on a plane. I obviously knew that the freedom to smoke wherever you damn well pleased existed at some point. But if I were to cruise by in my own gaudy 4×4 and encounter a group of smokers exhaling freely in a public place, well, it would bugger my belief. You’re just not allowed to do that sort of thing these days. It doesn’t seem possible that you ever were.

I never agreed with wantonly blowing smoke wherever I fancied, but an outright ban does seem a little harsh. Although there are some advantages. Because you can’t light up when you like any more, people tend to announce their intention to have for a fag, and wait to see who joins them.  Going for a cigarette has become almost conspiratory, a naughty little adventure to be shared with your equally deviant friends.  If nobody cares to join you, well, it’s a chance to have some time outside to contemplate, pontificate and hopefully miss your round at the bar.

So, with that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of some smoker friendly haunts for when you are out on, and probably tripping over, the tiles in Brighton. These places sure beat hanging around on the pavement, struggling to inhale despite a serious case of smoker’s nipple, brought on by the disapproving winds that seem unique to this city.

The Hop Poles, 13 Middle Street, BN1 1AL

These people seem to be having a good time don’t they? This is no doubt thanks to this dedicated smoking area, which is covered to retain the ample heating. It also boasts audible outdoor music and of course, foliage. A good place for when the pub becomes inevitably over-crowded.

The Hop Poles

The Barley Mow, 92 St George’s Road, BN2 1EE

The smoking area boasts an awning, which is something to celebrate. Not least because you can pretend to be at an Ascot after party, should the fancy take you.

The Office, 8-9 Sydney Street, BN1 4EN

What used to be the yard has been given a splash of paint and some picnic tables. Shabby chic, but I spent a winter’s hour or so hanging out here with some mulled cider and it feels like a proper Brighton joint.

Grand Central, 29 – 30 Surrey Street, BN1 3PA

This roof terrace, with its round wooden tables and generous patio heaters, could lead you believe you were somewhere else entirely more tropical of a weekday night.

The Grand Central

The Royal Sovereign, 66 Preston Street, BN1 2HE

I’m not a huge fan of this pub, but carpets and palm trees line the generous outdoor space, which does mean you can spark up and chill out.

If anybody has any further suggestions about where to consume the evil weed in comfort, please do leave them in the comment box below.

Next week – the best places in Brighton to have an argument with your lover.

This is an entry to win a ticket for the beachdown festival, the winner will be the one that receives the most visitors. So if you like it use the bookmarking links below.

All the entries for this competition can now be seen here

What’s on, where, when and why. This is not a all-inclusive list. We haven’t included any mediocre crap. If you would like to see something mediocre, go somewhere else. Elementary my dear Whatson.

(calendar added soon)

We have done our best to list what we think are the best – or most interesting – things that you can waste your time with. If you want to be in our listings diary, please email The Hussy. events@thehussy.co.uk . We attempt to evaluate every lisiting so contact us with enough time to check it/you out before your event. Please take the time to explain why your event is worth including, we receive soooo many bland press releases there is hardly enough time to delete them.

As in all of The Hussy’s witterings, we take no responsibility for anything - ever.

Please check any details with the venues involved. If you feel you have wasted your time because of our recommendations, sorry and please let us know so we can save others from your mistakes.