For a short time I took over a phone number from a cafe that had closed. The majority of phone calls that came through were trying to sell me stuff, the most interesting ones were trying to sell me advertising. The offer usually went something like this.

1. I book and advert.

2. They write a glowing review of my cafe.

3. We all jump into bed together for a special massage.

The third point was implied, but not actually spoken. The fist two were a given. Because Qype reviews are written by the public then it’s the public that get to share the love.

The end result of this fine and incestuous bargain leaves both parties sated. But the problem is that it means you can’t trust the reviews you read. Newspapers are obliged to label adverts to differentiate them form news, but at a local level this seems to be ignored and doesn’t apply to magazines anyway.So, other than word of mouth, how do you find out what is good/shite in Brighton?

I have recently fallen in love with www.qype.co.uk it is a user submitted review site. Most importantly it allows everyone to say what they really believe about the service that they use. There is the obvious issue that a venue/cafe/pub could give itself positive reviews but the more people that use the site the more the majority opinion will out.

The idea  isn’t new ( toptable, tripadvisor, yelp, etc) but Qype is tryinget the to involve a social networking aspect to it all, which might encourage some of the FB/twitter fans to join in the fun. The Brighton part of the site has mushroomed since the start of this year.

If you fancy contributing then look me up -  my qype ID is hartingale

Join a democratic movement to kill the advertorials… find it Qype it!

Spin produced by Madame Geisha’s PR team has sucked me into their vortex.

I was particularly struck by a full-page write up in a local free mag that was so conflated with praise a cynic might be mistaken for thinking that it wasn’t a review at all but actually a regurgitated press release. I am a sceptic, not a cynic; so I took myself off to investigate.

My pre-dinner googling informed me…

“uniquely positioned in the heart of Brighton’s boutique quarter and just a stone’s throw away from the city’s world famous sea front, Madame Geisha is a brand new concept in dining, drinking and entertainment.”

Bloody hell – a brand new concept in dining, drinking and entertainment!! You would have thought a brand new concept in any one of those three would be enough for a lifetime. I tried to think of all the concepts that could have been considered “brand new” when they originated.

Food: Sandwiches to an 18^th Century card player, potatoes to an Elizabethan, cooked food to a Neanderthal, sushi to a man-in-the-street in 1991.

Entertainment: Breakdancing to a Tibetan monk, Big Brother to everyone, Lady GaGa (just kidding), Elvis to 1953

Drink: Beer to ancient Egyptians, tea to Marco Polo, Singapore Slings to a Singaporean, Special Brew to a vagrant in 1950…

You get the point. So, I was prepped and ready for an epoch defining evening.

The Décor

They say: blends old style with new design to great effect.

I say: inspired by something that was inspired by a Blade Runner inspired idea of Asia. Exposed ventilation ducts, harsh lighting, perhaps they blew the design budget on PR? There is a random bamboo trellis by the entrance, perhaps that is the “old style”?

The Service

Kind of odd. The well-briefed waitress was trained in soft-hard selling. This is something expected in France, USA or anywhere that the frontline staff are paid a percent of sales, caught me off-guard in Brighton. When we ordered two glasses of wine, “why not get a whole bottle?” well, because we don’t want one. If we went to buy a car would the sales rep suggest, “why not get three?” and anyway it is illegal for barstaff to encourage alcohol consumption. When we ordered two dim sum, “they are really small do you want more than two?”. When my wife ordered her green curry with rice, “wouldn’t you rather have noodles?” no “why not, don’t you like noodles?” bloody hell, fuck off.

The Food

Bit-of-this; bit-of-that. All quite nice and overpriced in the annoying but not offensively so bracket. The randomness of the “if it’s Asian we serve it” menu had me thinking… in Asia do Pan-European restaurants serve any native food found within seven timezones? eg. Haggis pizza with stilton and dry cod? The main course was accompanied by the now famous Zilli Stack, nine chips in a perfect little pile, 3x3x3. Nothing offensive, but I think the money ,must be going to the PR department rather than the kitchen.

Towards the end of the meal the lighting changed and we were informed by the waitress that we where “changing into disco mode”. Time to go…

So we left the confused madam.

Prawn Cocktail – soggy prawns, probably defrosted under a worn tap, gloopy-snot sauce, limp lettuce

Garlic Mushrooms – floating in vegetable oil, like turds in the med.

Pizza -  half a pound of dehomoginised economy cheddar saturating the dough with oil

And best of all the waiter strutted around with a 24 inch pepper grinder.

The only contemporary touch was the Eastern European waiting staff. Very now.

So, are the management wittily tipping a wink at 1980s Italian diners or just lazy? Do they not know that Jamie Oliver has opened up around the corner. There was a time when going out for a meal could mean getting a Wimpy burger. Blue Nun used to be posh. They used to mime on the Radio One roadshows. Times change, we are all getting a bit more sophisticated. No? Actually, I shouldn’t grumble – it was really cheap.

Vbites

vbites

At Vbites celeb-caf down by Hove lagoon you can sit and watch cupcakes chasing flapjacks around in circles. It is even less appealing than it sounds, they don’t even look like nice cakes. Dry. Drab. Dull.

It could be an orbital somewhere just outside the 7th ring of hell. A ring road of inedible nibbles orbiting for eternity.

Generation game pergatory, cupcake, flapjack, cupcake, flapjack. Don’t forget the cupcake, flapjack, cupcake, flapjack.

I am sure they taste nice, they just aren’t lookers.

On the plus side, the smell of sewage that drifts across this part of Hove lagoon isn’t always there if the wind blowing across V-bites is gusting in your favour.

Heather Mills describes the Vbites as innovative with a superb 21st century feel. So if putting a cupcake onto a conveyor belt is at the cutting edge of innovation, then how about if I was to put a fairycake onto a moped or sellotaping a sausage roll to a frisbee? These would surely have to be innovations of Nobel Prize winning stature.

Sunday Roast in Brighton

On a typical Sunday, a typical Brightonian will be nursing a hangover head, lying in front of the three-hour-long Hollyoakes omnibus for the best part of the morning and using all remaining brain cells to work out where on earth to go for a traditional Sunday roast.

 We have many, many wonderful pubs in Brighton, it’s true, but there is nothing more disappointing than a roast dinner menu that is just not up to scratch or a kitchen that closes before you’ve even managed to get out the shower.

Too fancy, too rushed, no Yorkshire pudding with your beef (seriously, what are they thinking?), no crackling with your pork (yes, I’ve actually experienced this anomaly) or simply no vegetarian option on the menu which rules out half of your friends.

So, in a concerted effort to put a stop to the tedious-ness of searching for the perfect Sunday roast and actually having to make a decision about something when you should really be resting, The Hussy has put together the top five, best value, no frills roast dinner’s, just like your mum used to make 

Here we go then, in no particular order:

Blenio

Blenio on Seven Dials, is a modern-European bistro with a bit of a French slant. The staff are welcoming, and nothing is too much trouble for them to organise, they actually really go out of their way to make sure everything is perfect. Traditional roasts of Chicken, Pork or Beef with all the trimmings are served all day Sunday in a really quiet quaint setting.

With white tiled tables, duck egg blue paint and fresh fruit, vegetables and herbs spilling out of the décor, everything here is designed to make you feel like you’re in the South of France.

There is even a beautiful mediterranean-style courtyard which catches the sun at just the right time in the afternoon. The council, otherwise known as the fun police, won’t let you eat out there mind, but it is the perfect spot for a cigarette and a glass of rosé after your perfect roast.

Reservations in advance strongly recommended:

http://www.bleniobistro.com/
01273 220 220

Hove Place

Just tucked away off of First Avenue in Hove, The Hove Place pub swiftly serves a no frills roast with a great selection of vegetables and possibly the best gravy I’ve ever had.

 Because Hove Place is such a hidden spot it never gets overly busy on a Sunday so you are pretty much always guaranteed to get a nice table, which is exactly what you need if your head is pounding from the night before.

 All traditional roasts are served up until 8pm every Sunday, with good menu options for vegetarians to choose from too, all for under a tenner.

The gorgeous Italian gardens out the back are without a doubt the best feature of the pub catching the afternoon sunshine over lunch, and then gently heated in the evening as the sun starts to set 

For more information go here:

http://www.goldenliongroup.co.uk/Hove-Place.html

Or call this number: 01273 738 266

The Earth and Stars

Organic pub the Earth and Stars is situated in the heart of Brighton on Windsor Street. With no outside area apart from a terrace for smokers, this pub is the perfect place to wind down and cosy up for the evening.

Served throught the day, the Sunday roast menu carries all the traditional options, each with there own interesting twist. Honey and chilli glazed chicken, Slow roasted pork belly and lamb which has been marinated for 24 hrs. The portions are good too as they promise a selection of seven different vegetables with each meal.

Being an organic pub, the veggies among us are well catered for, with a well thought out menu to choose from.

The pub does get realy busy though, so it’s probably best to give them a call and reserve a table in advance.

Give them a call on this number: 01273 722 879

The Shakespeare’s Head

A local gem and set just behind Brighton train station towards Seven Dials, The Shakespeare’s Head has a range of interesting beers on tap and is covered with lovely fairy lights. A great fun atmosphere in here with friendly staff and good music.

Although The Shakespeare’s Head specialty is sausage and mash with ten different types of locally produced sausages, their Sunday roast is pretty darn good too, offering big portions, good roast potatoes and a great veggie option.

The nice set of picnic tables outside the front of the pub is the place to sit and people watch and stay out late drinking Leffe in the evening. It’s home from home.

This place is a local’s haven and very popular on a Sunday. Give them a bell to see if you can get a table first. 01273 329 444

The Sussex Yeoman

The Sussex Yeoman is a little pricier than your average roast, but well worth the money – this is food that has been made with love. Not many people know about this place as it’s just off the beaten track, but that doesn’t stop it being packed out when it comes to Sunday lunchtime.

The pub itself is tiny, pulling off the right balance of intimate but not over crowded. Just make sure you get here early if you want a table, plus bear in mind that they stop taking food orders a little earlier than the rest of the pubs listed above – so it’s best to ring and check before you head on over.

The roast is done to perfection everytime and the standard of food here is better than most more expensive restaurants.

If the Sussex Yeoman is calling you, then call them on 01273 327 985 to see how busy they are.

Written by Sarah L Sharp

Have you seen the government’s current healthy living campaign, change4life? It’s probably been coming at you regularly through your telly box. Featuring non-threatening cartoon characters with palatable regional accents, less chips, more jogging, is the general message. Unless you want to appear on a documentary entitled ‘My 20 stone toddler and me’.

Assuming that you don’t, it is of course, important to watch what you eat, take regular exercise, yadda yadda. We all know that, Mr Government.  But it is also equally important to let yourself off the leash occasionally. Seeking solace in a tasty indulgence is perfect for providing some valuable respite from the pressures of everyday life. It can be oh-so good to be a little bit bad.

Sometimes we all need pure, calorific gratification. Even if we don’t actually need it, sometimes, we just want it. So, in the spirit of ‘why the hell not’, here are a few places can supply everything you require to stretch out, kick back, feel fat and be happy:

Cyber Candy, 15 Gardner St, BN1 1UP

This place is like a party bag, but one where you get to choose the contents. I used to have a painful dependence on Jolly Ranchers, and was bereft when they went out of stock. We were gleefully reunited at Cyber Candy. They stock sweets from all over the world, so if you really can’t think of a decent excuse to indulge, then tell yourself it’s all in the name of broadening your horizons.

Shakeaway 8 Bond Street, Brighton, BN1 1RD

Ever been tempted to bung a selection of sticky ingredients in a blender and drink the contents? Well, you could do that, or you could tell the professionals exactly what you want (Maltesers, popcorn, carrot cake) and let them take care of it. These shakes are truly a thing of beauty.

Buddies 46-48 Kings Road Brighton

You could finish a night out with something soggy in a bun. Or you could go to Buddies, which never, ever closes, and serves up an impressive range of good, cheap and tasty food – seafood, salad, all-day breakfast, pizza. Buddies recently enjoyed a visit from Queen of the Mammaries, Jordan, and we all know how fussy she is.

Kensingtons, 1 Kensington Gardens, BN1 4AL

Kensingtons is lovely, just lovely. The menu, chalked up on the wall, stretches to a good few feet. Once you manage to make your choice, slot yourself into a booth or if it’s sunny, and the pigeons aren’t feeling too ferocious, amble out to the balcony. The breakfasts are reasonably priced and plentiful, side orders are never a problem and even vegetarians and vegans will be feeling fat and happy after a visit.

Sweet William’s Fudge Shop, 26a North Street, BN1 1EB

A proper sweet shop, selling hefty chunks of fudge in a cosy range of flavours. The banoffee pie variety is as addictive as crack, but far more reasonably priced.

This is an entry for the Beachdownwriter competition, all the entries are here

 For the Beachdownfestival itself, www.beachdownfestival.com

26 Windsor Street, Brighton

The perfect vegetarian Sunday lunch is a hard thing to achieve, but it seems the Earth and Stars have come incredibly close.  Plumping for a vegbox pie which arrived like a fortified castle, surrounded by seven different seasonal vegetables and drowned, generously in gravy, it was – on looks alone – delicious!  Foruntately apperances weren’t deceptive.  The pie itself combined hummous, olives and tomato into something a little different to the usual Sunday fare (as I ordered at the bar I glimpsed a few of the meaty dishes passing me by, and even I couldn’t help but lick my lips).  With roast potato, brocolli, carrots, red cabbage and the ingenious addition of parsnip crisps this little banquet was quickly wolfed down, but filled me up for the rest of the day!  Afterwards I lounged about with a few pints of Old Rosie from the excellent range of drinks on offer and finished my idyllic Sunday filling out a crossword with friends.

The Earth and Stars food menu is put together by the same lot responsible for the Mash Tun‘s grub (1 Church Street, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1UE) and sets the bar very high.  I imagine I’ll be spending a fair few Sundays camped out here, and I’m eager to see what else they have to offer.  This was the perfect way to treat myself on my first weekend living in Brighton, hugely recommended!

The Earth and Stars
26 Windsor Street, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1RJ
0871 917 0007