Row With a View
50 Ways to Peeve Your Lover
It’s inevitable. One minute you two are dawdling over dessert in an intimate restaurant setting, exchanging loving banter over what to call your first cat / car/ child. The next, you’re having to ask the waiter to remove any leftover cutlery from the table, as an idle remark from your partner has filled you with such terrible rage that jamming a fork up their nostril is becoming increasingly tempting.
Arguments are a natural part of the proceedings when two people have strong feelings for each other. So it’s important to choose your venue with care. You don’t want to get so carried away that you end up with an ASBO and a life-long ban from Pizza Express. However, you also don’t want to have to repress the resentment until you get home. That could lead to heartburn. Similarly, if you only ever kick off behind closed doors, it can result in significant damage to a piece of furniture you really rather like. In addition, for a truly successful argument, you need a few key elements which are difficult to obtain at home:
- Enough space to speak in raised voices without the intimate nature of your discussion being available for everyone else to enjoy.
- Members of the public present at a suitable distance. As long as you are even slightly socially conscious, this can ensure that things don’t get entirely out of control. Bystanders can also be dragged in to mediate, should the need arise.
- Distractions. For those long and terrible silences, which often occur after a particularly cutting remark or outrageous statement. You need something interesting to stare at as you blink back the tears. Curtains don’t really cut it.
Where can you guarantee that all of the above will be available? Well, there is a reason people are always being asked to ‘take it outside’. Brighton and Hove has 98 parks and public open spaces. In any one of these you can sit and squabble, walk and squabble, bang your head against a tree or sulk on a bench.
Hopefully, you will find all you need to make that row a memorable one at the following outdoor venues. Happy harping!
Royal Pavilion Gardens , BN1 1EE
Defuse the tension by ruminating on the splendour of the Pavilion. Or have it cranked up a notch by a toddler stamping through your picnic, this place is very popular with young families, which means you will probably have to keep swearing to a minimum. Use your words.
Rookery Rock Garden, opp. Preston Park, BN1 6HN
A visit in the early evening almost guarantees you privacy – climb right to the top to see across Brighton, and your future as a couple. There is also the option of pushing an unreasonable lover into the ornamental pond.
Queen’s Park, South Avenue, BN2 0BP
There’s a hell of a duck pond located here, where you can either choose to feed the inhabitants, or throw the stale bread at your sparring partner. If your rage cannot be expressed in mere words, you could always thrash it out on one of the four tennis courts.
The Level, Ditchling Road, BN1
Always lots of activity taking place at the Level; juggling, skate boarding, drug dealing. This can provide that much-needed distraction, when you’ve come to a temporary halt in proceedings, and staring at your feet seems too defeatist.
Stanmer Park, BN1 9QA
Easily accessible thanks to bus 78, which leaves from the Old Steine, you can stamp across 200 hectares of distinctive Sussex countryside. Dramatic and sweeping – perfect for a monumental domestic.
Next week –
the best places in Brighton to feel fat and happy
This is an entry for the Beachdownwriter Competition.
See all of the entries here
For the Festival www.beachdownfestival.com
Tags: Beachdownwriter, Brighton
What's on your mind?
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April 20th 2009 | 1
Juzzzy says:
It’s been hours since I had a wrenching, back-breaking round of fruitless hurt and maiming.
Thank you for reminding me.
x
Juzzzy’s last blog post..The Blues
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Laura says:
I automatically read “There’s a hell of a duck pond located here” in Uncle Bryn’s voice.
What nice parks you have
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sean says:
i like the idea of pushing your lover into an ornamental pond…call me a traditionalist but that’s the one for me!
sean’s last blog post..Anne Of A Thousand Days.
