Nightmare on West Street
Ever fancied appearing in your very own episode of Footballer’s Wives? No? Then at all costs, never allow inebriation to get the better of you and propel you through the doors of Oceana. Although you won’t get in if you’re wearing trainers.
However, if you like to show off your wares in laminated gold hotpants, twirl you hair extensions round your fake fingernails and have your lipstick tattooed on. Or you buy your smart shirts from Burtons and have your mum iron them whilst you have a pre-going out, pre-drink, drink and spray some Lynx Africa down your trousers. If you enjoy music that features the same three words repeated over and over and over, and at times resembles the monotonous buzz of an electric toothbrush. Then this place will put the schizzzle in your nizzle, and you may well meet your very own footballer, and who knows, become his wife?
Seven themed rooms – experience the world in one night! The Deep Bar is where the adventure begins, think the lost city of Atlanta with a Posh Spice makeover. Hold on to your cut-price drinks though guys, we’ve only just begun.
Villa Tahiti is the next stop. If you’ve checked your coat, you might want to borrow somebody elses. It’s surprisingly chilly in this tropical saloon. Probably because the ‘excellent smoking facilities’ are located to the rear. A penned off area on the King’s Road. The wind chill factor out there would finish off a yeti.
Then why not gather ye bunions, slip your heels back on and totter down to the New York Disco? Or lads, if you’re not quite drunk enough to start strutting your stuff, how about a beer or 16 in the Monte Carlo? Do try and take in the classic art deco, if you’re still capable of focusing.
Met somebody special? Suggest you take a seat in the Parisian Boudoir. The music is ‘french and funky’, that oughta get things going.
If you are unsuccessful in your efforts to secure some sexy time, head to the Reykjavik Icehouse and get that groin a thrustin’ to the booming R&B. Or retreat to the Aspen Ski Lodge and have a good sulk and another 16 beers on a lovely plush sofa. Be careful not to stick to it.
So there we have it. Phew, the world in one night and all for the price of a curry. Just don’t wear trainers. Or leave your drink un-attended.
Oceana, Kingswest, Brighton BN1 2RE
Tags: Beachdownwriter
What's on your mind?
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May 14th 2009 | 1
ThirdPrize says:
That does sound a really cool idea. Shame I would proably hate every minute of it though. Anyway, I remember when it was the Event …
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Nicholas says:
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