Charity Wankathon-Red Nose Walk

Charity Wankathon

 

Charity may begin at home but it is becoming impossible to keep it out of my home. It is seeping out through my television, computer and radio.

 

The Comic Relief – Red Nose Climb http://www.rednoseday.com/climb sums it all up. It’s got middling celebrities earnestly saving the world by attempting a death-defying feat neatly packed, wrapped and distributed by an all outlet media sell.

 

In the name of selfless benevolence ten top names are humbly exposing themselves to me. They have laid themselves bare; this is not about them, this is for charity. Naked and exposed they plead for me to help them to help others. What they don’t realise as they kneel before me palm raised for alms is that with the other and they are subconsciously fiddling with themselves. Chris Moyles, Fearne Cotton and the gang line themselves up before me – pleading and rubbing, grovelling and stroking. The carefully constructed humbleness of the pose fails to disguise the tumescence of the ego – pumped up with self-love.

 

Don’t misunderstand me; I want to see good causes honoured. I have devised a method that will see them receive more money, without the need for celebrities to use African babies for their own personal gratification.

 

Firstly you have the hype-hype-hype of the mission’s danger. Training in hyperbaric chambers, killer temperatures off the scale altitudes. Ten thousand people each year summit on Kilimanjaro, I am pretty certain that as most climbers are on either a Gap year or a midlife crisis things to do before you die trip, they probably didn’t have access to hyperbaric chambers. Granted a few of them die. But if 10,000 people were to engage in that other fundraising standard – sitting in a tub of baked beans – the death toll would be similar.

 

But every morning on Radio1 I have been told about the death dicing these slebs are about to engage in to save the world. And saving the world is what they actually claim to be doing. They are not saving lives they are going for a stroll up a (big) hill. The people giving money are saving lives.

 

So, cut out the egotising, self-publicising, world-savers. Just ask Joey Public to donate to save lives. The immediate benefit of this would be to save on twenty first class return airfares to Tanzania, hotels and climbing equipment. That saves one hundred thousand lives straight away.

 

I am not stupid. I know. You need the hype to get the public hysterical enough to donate money. No celebrities risking lives/limbs – no money.

 

So here is the really clever plan. Don’t climb the mountain; don’t fluff the already erect celebritegos. Don’t broadcast anything. Easy. Switch off all transmissions. No slebs doing the rounds on chat shows, no newspaper articles, no radio promotion.

 

The BBC costs 118 million per day to run. Last year, Comic Relief raised 67 million. So if every time a Comic Relief related event/promo/hype was scheduled to be broadcast; it wasn’t.  In its place nothing was broadcast. Silence. All transmitters were switched off. All BBC staff went to get a coffee. The money saved could become the money gained.

 

Faultless logic. World saved. Job done.

 

 

 

You can read the usual blah-blah press release here in the London Paper

 

Here is a video offering advice on planning an expedition to climb Kilimanjaro.

 

Five places to see before they are changed forever on why it is a nice place for a holiday.

Tags: Beachdownwriter

1. March 1st 2009 | 1
   

     Andy Bailey says:

   haha, we could have a wankaid where big bands don’t turn up and instead send the cost of transporting their (egos) equipment instead. Just think of the environmental benefit too!

   Andy Bailey’s last blog post..how to change your js-kit colour scheme for blogger CommentLuv

2. March 3rd 2009 | 2
   

     Kevin says:

   But then if there were no celebrities fluffing up their egos for money, there would be no drivel for the great unwashed to slaver over, leading, in turn to mass frustration and meaningless orgasm.

   Kevin’s last blog post..Disneyland Resort Paris

3. March 3rd 2009 | 3
   

     The Hussy says:

   How can an orgasm be meaningless? unless you are a catholic subscriber.

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