Next weekend is the “most extreme music weekend in the UK”. However without exception, the music stages and the extreme sportiness coexist but never overlap. This leaves the whole being less than some of it’s parts - the festival a weakened strain of itself – a cake with no icing or cherry on top. It’s like taking two absolute, gorgeous beauties; stripping then shaving their perfect bodies, oiling them from head to foot and asking them to rub every inch of their god-like sexiness all over each other. But not letting them kiss. Like Pretty Woman, without the final scene – unsatisfyingly imperfect.

So, how to fix the problem…

I have compiled a list of musicians that were also successful at (extreme) sports in the hope that it will inspire Doves, Biffy et al. to hold up there hands and volunteer to land a parachute, pilot a jet boat or take a BMX down the 40ft vert ramp…

Role Models:

David Lee Roth – climbed K2

Vanilla Ice – MX champion

Bruce Dickinson(Iron Maiden vocalist) – cage fighting specialist

James Hetfield(Metallica) – skateboard pro

Charlie and Craig Reid (Proclaimers) – ultra marathon runners

Les Claypool (bass player)- fishing champion

Gareth Gates - very good at rollerskating

Jack Johnson- Pipline Masters surfer

Actually, why not mix genres in the opposite direction? Give a banjo to some of the skatboarders and see what they can come up with. Entire football teams discovered hidden singing abilities when FA Cup finals loomed. John Barnes was even nominated for a Moby with the self-titled “John Barnes’ Rap” which in turn spurred the England team to not-quite-fulfill-their-potential at the worldcup.

please feel free to extend the list in the comments box below, or if you happen to be performing at the White Air Festival you can take the opportunity to sign up.

Ainsley Harriott is coming to Brighton to campaign against the humble chip. The not-quite-celebrity chef has been struck by the idea that there are too many chips in circulation. And unless something can be done about it they will develop AI and start the Final War.

Mr Harriot wants to prevent a terminator style armgeddon by ridding us of chips before it all gets out of control. Or maybe he dislikes looking at fat people and paying taxes so they can have their greed stapled.

WHO?

Ainsley Harriott will be at Churchill Square in Brighton to launch his ‘No Chip Week’ campaign.
WHAT’S HAPPENING?

Head down to Churchill Square for a chance to meet Ainsley Harriott and see how Cous Cous works as a delicious side for a number of meal options. 
WHERE?

Churchill Square
WHEN?

Friday 14th August from 10am-5pm

Brighton Celebrates Our Armed Forces

The first Armed Forces Day is 27 June 2009, and is an opportunity for the nation to show our support for the men and women who make up the Armed Forces community

The idea behind the day is to celebrate the achievements of the armed forces and honour the sacrifices of the men and women involved. A family friendly event is planned.

To kick off the celebrations, will be a parachute display. Pigs will be chuted into the sea just off the beach. Youngsters will get a chance to play with a bit of hi-tech war machinery taking porcine-potshots. The organisers are expecting some protests by animal rights protesters, but aren’t too worried. The officer in charge of the day, stated ” we aren’t too worried.” apparently there is an historical underpinning of livestock parachuting with the Great Pig Drop being one of the deciding strategies of WWI.

The pig shoot will be followed by a display from the royal navy with a search and rescue display. Pig corpses are remarkabely similar to dead humans so will allow our boys and girls to demonstrate their rescue skills.

Next up, it’s campfire cookery as the freshly brined hams are spit-roasted on the beach.

Where:  Lower Promenade East of the West Pier

When:  Saturday 27 June.

11.00– Parachute Display over Brighton and Hove Seafront – performed by the Tigers Free-fall and Parachute Display Team

11.30 – Event to be opened by The Worshipful the Mayor of Brighton and Hove

noon – Cadet Hour to feature displays and award ceremony

13.00 – Armed Forces Day Parade

15.00 – Armed Forces Day Address and Veterans Badge presentation

16.00 – Live Music performance by local band ‘Koala Friday’www.koalafriday.co.uk

There might also be some more with Photographic, historical and static displays, Veterans Advice stands, Military Vehicles, and have a go activities.

Don’t be shy, give it a go.

New Polling Station

"uncomfortable in clothes"

The World Naked Bike Ride Brighton will for the first time in it’s six year history be supported by naked police officers.

As many as 1,000 naked cyclists will meet at The Level and begin their naked bike ride and site-seeing tour of Brighton on June 14th. Due to large number of people involved and the possibility of traffic snarl-ups police will be needed to accompany the ride. Some of the police officers are said to be uncomfortable in the presence of so much bare flesh and so many pink-bits.

Police psychologists advised the officers that if they were naked themselves then this would help them overcome their anxieties.

Some issues yet to be resolved include how the naked police will be identified. Here are some of the suggested solutions…

• Police Helmets
• Specially designed police badge nipple tassels
• Blue body paint
• Identifiable police socks

The current police contract does not allow for police officers to be paid if they are not in uniform. This could become a sticking point in what is otherwise a widely accepted and progressive piece of community policing.

To read the official stuff on the Brighton Naked Bike Ride this also has thousands of photos of last years event.

Where is the Green Party?

The use of colour as a weapon has not been seen in Brighton politics for twenty years, but all of that may be about to change…

As I am sure you are aware, political parties feel kinship with colours: Labour-red, Liberals-yellow, BNP-redwhiteandblue, etc. But few parties tie their colours to the mask with as much conviction as the Green Party. For the Greens it is not just a colour but a way of life, green-living, green-thinking, green-futures.

A new group that takes its colour seriously has appeared on the scene. The Brighton Green Party may well have been angered by the sell-out appearance of the Blue Man Group. Few political meetings on a local level can fill a pub, let alone the Brighton Centre. So the arena filling rallies may be set to make waves.

No spokespeople from anywhere had anything to say on the subject.

“They have not just played the colour card, but they have played it from the bottom of the deck” -Labour Supporter

“We are not racists, but we draw the line at Blue” -BNP fan

“We are true-blue so who the fuck are these cunts” -Conservative person

“I’m blue-dabba-deeda, da-da-badabba_deeda” -Someone or other

Of course if you think all of the above is nonsense; then why not join me in spoiling your ballot by writing “Fuck Off” on it.

Can you ask for any more?

Beginners get to learn, learners get to carry on and there is room in there for the competent too.

Classes run all day from sunrise ’till late.

Why wold anybody want to go anywhere else?

Well I suppose it does smell a bit, but maybe that is why it is cheap? Actually it is cheap because it doesn’t make any profit. Aren’t they nice?

The Brighton Natural Health Centre. Go and check it out for yourself.

And if you are that particularly enthusiastic breed of Yogi that thinks that Yoga is not just bending and stretching but a six-limbed creature that needs servicing to prevent it from getting angry and zapping the whole world with its all seeing eye. Drishti. Then there are chanting type activities to keep you happy.

Me, I go for the early morning Ashtanga classes. Every day (almost).

See you there?

When not self-googling he champions ukulele players, throws out pot smokers and fills my Saturdays with the minutiae of his family life. If I was him I would also tell everybody about my life. Because I too would be payed to.

Tom Dowling, what a twat.

No, not really. I actually think I may be part of his family. I made the Ringo egg with him. I didn’t ride n the ridiculously expensive, PR-boon of a gazelle, that would be a bit too intimate.

Thanks for dropping by Tim. Or not depending.

Let’s not get into why the job search has begun again for the 100^th time let’s see why it has become harder. So, after re-locating to Cardiff and joining hundreds of agencies

I resort to looking for a cleaning job, but alas, even the duster needs a levels now.

The phone rings and someone from an agency who actually wants to earn commission asks if I am still looking for work. Excitement, this is it, a job! Telephone fluff out of the way, next stage interview. My five-year-old New Look office gear grins proudly as I hook up with accessories. Do I remove the facial piercings, nope old conscience is fed up of this question and giving the same reply that always wins, I want you to see who I am but I can remove them if it is a problem. Shrug inside bullshit who would work for a firm that is not innovative!

As usual on interview day I leave in plenty of time only to find the train is delayed, not by the usual ten minutes but by half an hour. Keeping calm I pace the platform and as it is interview day I stick my neck out, hide behind the loos and have a fag.

The don’t care attitude walks tall inside as I take my seat. Recalling the directions

I play over and over in my head at the same time answering the age old interview questions of  ” what makes a good team player and give me an example of a time when………” When what, I wiped my bum and still needed to go….. or when I really wanted to tell the moaning git on the end of the phone to fluff off! But it is amazing how the brain can flash one thing that could have you thrown out while loyal gob secures a smile. Clever us, I wonder if bosses do the same in mastermind chair.

Enough waffle, I pay the train fare I can’t afford, hoping the job buy’s my packaging

and pays me back. Everyone looking at me as though they know it is interview day, my clothes are being scrutinised. I look and god yes I have a hair. Some stitching has come undone, I look up and faces around me have their smirk. Bastards, people are so cruel on interview day. I wipe their smirks away by not even entertaining wiping off the hair. Hey I don’t care attitude we are nearly there. Announcement, the train has stopped in between stations and should’nt be too long. Bollocks, some one has thrown themself on the line at this fluffing hour. Wonder where they worked perhaps their Is an opening……..

The doors open, I leave the train and when well out of sight, wipe the hair off.

Now then, there is the car park, hang on there is one on the other side, crap another one at the top of the road, ok, ok don’t panic, look for Gregg’s, ohhhhh… ten of them.

Aha there it is St Mary’ s street, brilliant, its 8 miles long!

” Excuse me can you tell me where Supercallousfragillistic House is please.”

Remember it is interview day, I ask the only welsh speaking person in Cardiff.

  It starts to rain, I don’t have a light for my fag and my stomach starts to tell me it is going to talk loudly during role-play. Yet, I feel hopelessly optimistic.

Walking into the office building I tell the security man I am here for an interview. Without looking up he hands me a pen and says, ” Fill this in”

 The walk round the building badge, I love it.

 Name.. Maddona.. Car 2009 Porshe, time of arrival, 12:00 p.m…….  yesterday.

 Handing it back of course without looking, he clips it into a plastic wallet and gives me proud possession. Take a seat he says in his best-practised morose voice.

Aha I bet his brain is back to the police days and he wants to shout, ” Cover me I’m

going in ” I smile back at him with that kind of made of the same salt look. He stares

beyond time itself, picks up the phone and puts his head down. Oh my god he is telling Doris interviewer there is a dick at reception waiting to see her.

Doris arrives and takes me to my death. The lift of forever travelling with uncomfortable chat that somehow always trips you up and you spend the whole interview telling her in your mind what you really meant but you were a bit nervous

and she says not to worry she understood and you say ………..oh god!

She walks you through the office where everyone looks up, those that look the longest

you know are going to be the ones to reckon with, except of course for the pretty face. She smiles, perhaps she just farted too! If it were not for mime I would have felt frogmarched into the interview room only to find……… 30 others waiting.

Needling out the possibles, the ( they’ ll get it’ s) and the (don’t know why I bothered) gives me a fair summarization of chance.

Doris enters and asks everyone to sit, so we sit. Doris asks everyone to write name and agency on a bit of card, so we do. One spells the agency wrong, ha ha, down to 29. Everyone’s eyes flickering at each other then to Doris.

” Does anyone know anything about the company and what we do ”

Don’t be first and seem cocky, though in a sales role that is what is required! After a pause in the eye flickering Blah blah blah and I believe 150.000 sales revenue last year………….. Doris is not impressed, 31 people around the table and she takes lead in the séance stare. She retains the ghost inside and verbalizes a big…

“Actually it was 300.000 million ”

That’s me gone, do I leave now or stay with dignity

Another voice pipes up ” On the website it says 150.000 ”

Doris ” Oh, I thought you meant turnover, now we will begin the role play. You are a jury and…………

Well, that is me and the other guy out. Hmmm, giving up sometimes works, but do I  really want to work with Hitler. An hour and a half of debating on whether some guy should get life for the murder of his wife who had an affair with his brother and died when he shoved her. This is real life fluffing role-play. I ve just done all this in an hours journey to the job. No face-to-face interviews anymore. Gone are the days when you had the chance to hide your unpolished shoes under the table. Gone the days where you and interviewer met eye to eye and you thought they could see the numbskull in your brain sweating and covering the words  “big hairy bullshit”

You utter the words “sorry, I have just gone mindblank” but are allowed to relax

As a nice smile and voice spells back ” its okay, everyone is a little nervous at an interview” Great company, good boss, but alas Doris is really thinking, next!

 The jury is concluded and we will be informed of whether we have the job later. I leave the building and sit on the steps outside, taking off the bloody heels and putting on my buddy boots.  Meeting in the pub to tell how it went only to get the call that says …unfortunately you were not successful this time. For god s sake was I supposed to send the defendant to the gas chamber?  Well, all eyes on me, how did you do, it was a hung jury I say. Everyone nods and says yeh, I’ve had interviews like that. All secretly thinking you re crap! Ah well, it s only rejection at least I m playing the game. 

Wake up next morning, kettle on.

So, I register on the net for a telesales role in Brighton. 30 second’s later I receive 15 e mails of field base roles from Cardiff to Penzance. Register on 12 more sites, to find I have sent off the C.V of a morgue attendant that somehow found it s way to my computer by what I can only think of  scamming my wireless broadband.

 Agency rings ” Are you still looking for work ”

 Excitement, this is it, a job. Clothes out of dirty laundry bag………Today could be the day, I don’t meet Doris I meet Brendan, he wants to talk personally and find out who I am. I can do the truth submerging with bullshit routine. I can fluff on my nerves

and be excused. I can get over cocky and be respected.. I can get to the have you any questions bit and have mind blanks. Alas, Brendan liked me but the other 40 people in front were stronger candidates. Blow Cardiff and rugby, I head to wonderful Brighton

The land of creativity. I want to write, but I need to pay for my fix with a fluffing job.

The phone rings, interview, role-play, 12 people, but real people. We do Dragons Den

Inno fluffing vation! No more juries, business skills.

Working out my calculations of profit and loss, of email marketing, I am offered a fluffing job! Yah get me. Back in the rat race, piercings and all.

There is hope for all us fluffers!

Written by Lesley Thompson

This is an entry for the Beachdownwriter competition, see al of the entries here

When the sun comes out in Brighton, a certain buzz fills the air. The beach volley ball courts fill up, the live reggae music starts playing and people start wearing a great deal less.

After sitting in the sunshine for awhile on Sunday, drinking my ice-cold Bulmers, I couldn’t help but notice that a few of of us have gone a little bit… well, soft and pale over the winter months – including myself, I need to tone up again. I’ve admittedly been very lazy and have possibly consumed my own body weight in red wine many times over during the cold dark days, and I feel sluggish.

It has happened to us all, we overindulge during the winter and put on a few pounds that we vow to shed before it’s summertime, but in reality it’s so much more fun to go and sit outside a pub and drink in the sun, than put your running shoes on and head down to the gym even though you know it’s good for you and there’s the motivation of plenty of eye candy.

According to a new ‘Waist Lines’ report into the dieting behaviour of British adults I’ve been reading, a desire to feel more attractive on the beach was one of the most common triggers for weight loss action, followed by seeing an unflattering holiday photo of yourself. Hmmn, sounds all too familiar.

I guess many of us set unrealistic goals when it comes to weight loss and toning up, which is why, according to this particular survey, over half of us gave up on our last diet within the first month.

Consultant psychologist to the stars, Dr Doolittle says: “Starting a new healthy eating and lifestyle regime is one of the biggest gifts we can give to ourselves. However, although most of us have a huge desire to suceed, we can find ourselves lacking in motivation and despite the benefits we know we will get from looking and feeling our best, many of us soon ‘fall off the diet wagon’. A shocking 25 per cent of people would even be willing to go under the knife to get rid of their extra pounds simply because they set unrealistic goals.”

Yes Dr Doolittle, I wholeheartedly agree.

Dr Doolittle’s room 101 for diet wreckers

So, as a single gal wanting to look as hot as I possibly can in my bikini this summer, when I read that a quarter of people admitted they had given up on their new fitness regime within a week or even on the very same day, I went and had a quick chat with Dr Doolittle who gave me some top tips on how we can all get in the mind-set to shape up our beach bodies and get a bit healthier for summer without the stress or the surgeon’s knife.

1. The Credit Crunch Blues

Dr Doolittle say’s: Banish BOREDOM to Diet Room 101: When the purse pennies have dried up it’s really tempting to stay in and comfort eat your way through the evenings.  Boredom is often the no.1  diet wrecker, so to combat this, start a new regular social activity such as starting up a new social sport like volley ball or windsurfing or joining a gym to keep your mind occupied and off snacking in front of the TV.

2. The Quick Fix Fib

Dr Doolittle say’s: Banish FAD DIETS to Diet Room 101:   It’s all too easy to jump on the latest fad diet that guarantees you can drop a dress size within hours. However, cutting out important food groups and sticking to regimented food plans can just leave you feeling deprived and craving bad fats and sugars. Instead kick start a well rounded healthy eating plan which you are more likely to stick to that incorporates a little of what you love as a treat.

3. Friends With Fast Metabolisms

Dr Doolittle say’s: Banish METABOLISM ENVY to Diet Room 101: Having friends or partners that can naturally eat what they want and burn it off straight away can be frustrating and can lead you straight back to the cookie jar. Find a friend that has the same weight loss goals as you and sign up to an activity together. Going together will not only be more fun but will remove the temptation to find an excuse to blame your own metabolism for when the pounds creep up.

4. The Work/ Life Imbalance

Dr Doolittle say’s: Banish OFFICE GOODIES to Diet Room 101: When stressed at work it’s all too easy to graze on chocolates and biscuits that people bring in and promise yourself that the diet will start tomorrow. Instead, stock up on satsumas and tasty crudites and dips.  Exercise-wise, instead of having no routine, plan your physical activity for the week around work hours which will motivate you to stick to your new regime and eat more healthily too.

5. The Motivation Messers

Dr Doolittle say’s: Banish the MOTIVATION MESSERS to Diet Room 101:  Snidy comments about our weight from boyfriends, girlfriends, or even friends and families can really take the motivation out of your new regime. Try instead to see it as a new excuse to look hotter than ever then reward yourself. Plan a really special treat for when you reach your ultimate goal e.g. new outfit or pair of shoes.

Off I trot then to get energentic at Fitness First tonight with a friend, I believe it’s Latin dance class this evening…. If Dr Doolittle’s advice is right, I’ll be looking hot on the beach before you can say ‘salsa’.

Written by Sarah L Sharp

This is an entry for the Beachdownwriter competition, all of the other entries can be seen here

Toe find out about the festival www.beachdownfestival.com

Spin produced by Madame Geisha’s PR team has sucked me into their vortex.

Madame Geisha at work

I was particularly struck by a full-page write up in a local free mag that was so conflated with praise a cynic might be mistaken for thinking that it wasn’t a review at all but actually a regurgitated press release. I am a sceptic, not a cynic; so I took myself off to investigate.

My pre-dinner googling informed me…

“uniquely positioned in the heart of Brighton’s boutique quarter and just a stone’s throw away from the city’s world famous sea front, Madame Geisha is a brand new concept in dining, drinking and entertainment.”

Bloody hell – a brand new concept in dining, drinking and entertainment!! You would have thought a brand new concept in any one of those three would be enough for a lifetime. I tried to think of all the concepts that could have been considered “brand new” when they originated.

Food: Sandwiches to an 18^th Century card player, potatoes to an Elizabethan, cooked food to a Neanderthal, sushi to a man-in-the-street in 1991.

Entertainment: Breakdancing to a Tibetan monk, Big Brother to everyone, Lady GaGa (just kidding), Elvis to 1953

Drink: Beer to ancient Egyptians, tea to Marco Polo, Singapore Slings to a Singaporean, Special Brew to a vagrant in 1950…

You get the point. So, I was prepped and ready for an epoch defining evening.

The Décor

They say: blends old style with new design to great effect.

I say: inspired by something that was inspired by a Blade Runner inspired idea of Asia. Exposed ventilation ducts, harsh lighting, perhaps they blew the design budget on PR? There is a random bamboo trellis by the entrance, perhaps that is the “old style”?

The Service

Kind of odd. The well-briefed waitress was trained in soft-hard selling. This is something expected in France, USA or anywhere that the frontline staff are paid a percent of sales, caught me off-guard in Brighton. When we ordered two glasses of wine, “why not get a whole bottle?” well, because we don’t want one. If we went to buy a car would the sales rep suggest, “why not get three?” and anyway it is illegal for barstaff to encourage alcohol consumption. When we ordered two dim sum, “they are really small do you want more than two?”. When my wife ordered her green curry with rice, “wouldn’t you rather have noodles?” no “why not, don’t you like noodles?” bloody hell, fuck off.

The Food

Bit-of-this; bit-of-that. All quite nice and overpriced in the annoying but not offensively so bracket. The randomness of the “if it’s Asian we serve it” menu had me thinking… in Asia do Pan-European restaurants serve any native food found within seven timezones? eg. Haggis pizza with stilton and dry cod? The main course was accompanied by the now famous Zilli Stack, nine chips in a perfect little pile, 3x3x3. Nothing offensive, but I think the money ,must be going to the PR department rather than the kitchen.

Towards the end of the meal the lighting changed and we were informed by the waitress that we where “changing into disco mode”. Time to go…

So we left the confused madam.

In a noble attempt to bring culture to the masses, Cityreads is encouraging the entire population of Brighton and Hove to enter into a booklove orgy.

The Richard-Judy-Oprah lit-fest is taking place throughout the city, during March/April/May. City Reads involves books being released in the city. Every resident will stumble over a copy, take home and read. That is just stage one - the solo part- after that entire community becomes involved.

When everyone has read the same book then everyone can discuss it. It will become a shared experience like a World Cup knockout match against Germany, or the death of a People’s-Princess or Racist-Bully-Reality-TV-Star.

The press release -predictable regurgitated by all the usual outlets- states “Imagine sharing a book with your neighbour, with your hairdresser, with your bus driver and with your friends. Having one book for one city brings readers together.” Clearly drivellous nonsense dreamt up by well meaning but simple intellectual folk that have access to enough public funds to but thousands of books.

Problems….

§ Reading: Half of the adult population has the reading age expected of a child leaving primary school. So cityreads will need release a Janet-and-John/Charlie-Lola to cater for them. And for the one in five functionally illeterate, a Picture-Book is required before the masses can read and discuss.

§ Finding a copy: Where are they all?

There have been reports that the van depositing the the books is being followed by a van collecting them up again. The number of copies available on Amazon for 48 pence would seem to back up this story.

If you do find a copy of The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, read it then jump on a bus to discuss it with driver,

“”For me, the sky was the colour of Jews”, what a poignant metaphor Mr Driver. No, next stop please, Death as the narrator, very Discworld. No, I won’t sit down. Yes, the power of the written word is so empouring. OK thias is my stop, thanks.”

The sun has been shining for me this week so I have been mainly pleasuring myself on the seafront.

As I strolled past the excrement of Duke’s Mound cottage zone, I noticed that the council has thoughtfully provided a caravan park by the Black Rock trains station. They are to be commended for this – a superb public service.

It was great to see all the kids scampering and families enjoying themselves. The safety conscious parents had allowed the kid’s snot to be smeared all over their faces. What a brilliant idea, no need for harmful, toxic suncream. One of the miracles of nature is the way it provides for all of our needs; mucus is stuffed to the rafters with micro-fine nano-particles perfect for reflecting back all of those harmful uv rays.

The sun was feeling particularly burny on my porcelain face so I asked one of little tykes if I could rub his snot on my face. He returned my winning smile with a blank stare; I took this as a sign of complicity and started to milk his nasal glands. The green-gold came fairly bubbling out into my eagerly receptive palm.

The appreciative parents, proud of the service their children were providing banged on the glass of their caravans. I returned their greeting by making a “milking” gesture with encircled thumb and forefinger. This got then really excited and they ran up to thank me personally using the traditional Romany gesture of dirty-nappy-throwing.

What a great community we have here in Brighton!

To find out how our regualr columnist gets her unique point of view read Dani’s Dairy #1

Today saw the first of this year’s oddball migrations to the seafront.

The Pioneer Motorcycle Run sent lovable eccentrics pootling down to Brighton on their pre-1925 motorbikes. Cute. There is nothing more endearing than a man so obsessed with his hobby that even his clothing and hairstyle is dictated by the era of his motorbike.

From now until the Autumn there is a rally/run of some era or other pretty much every weekend. Bikes, beetles, truck, buses, old cars, minis, very old cars, very-very old cars.

Here is a list of London to Brighton Runs that don’t but should happen.

London to Brighton…(fill in the gap)…Rally

Space hop

Moon Walk

Duck Drive

Swim

Kneel

Skateboard

Slither

Frottage

Lawnmower

Etc

World Court To Reclaim 14th March

What did you get up to on 14^th March 2009? If you went out it is safe to assume that Arthur Guinness was involved. If you were in Brighton you may well have been in the Boyce Street area for the largest Irish themed celebration in the south of England.

St Patrick’s day is the most universally celebrated holiday in the world other then Christmas. This could all be about to change.

A group people hailing from the west coast of Eire and claiming direct lineage from the snake charming Saint has lodged a case at the World Court. The core of their objection is that intellectual copyright rests with them as an “indigenous tribe”. Recent victory for the Maori people in their ownership claim of the Haka has given renewed hope of victory for the Hands Off Our Patrick campaign (HOOP).

If HOOP succeeds then it will become illegal to engage in any faux Irish behaviour on the 14^th March. This will included drinking Stout, singing Irish shanties and wearing large novelty Top Hats. 

Opponents to the proposed law point to its unenforceability. How could you prove that somebody is wearing a novelty Guinness hat because they are illegally celebrating and not just because they are a nob. If you start singing on the 13^th but finish the final “no they never, no more” after midnight does this make you a criminal?

The final ruling of the World Court will be handed down in July. The Hussy will keep you posted.

Charity may begin at home but it is becoming impossible to keep it out of my home. It is seeping out through my television, computer and radio.

The Comic Relief – Red Nose Climb http://www.rednoseday.com/climb sums it all up. It’s got middling celebrities earnestly saving the world by attempting a death-defying feat neatly packed, wrapped and distributed by an all outlet media sell.

In the name of selfless benevolence ten top names are humbly exposing themselves to me. They have laid themselves bare; this is not about them, this is for charity. Naked and exposed they plead for me to help them to help others. What they don’t realise as they kneel before me palm raised for alms is that with the other and they are subconsciously fiddling with themselves. Chris Moyles, Fearne Cotton and the gang line themselves up before me – pleading and rubbing, grovelling and stroking. The carefully constructed humbleness of the pose fails to disguise the tumescence of the ego – pumped up with self-love.

Don’t misunderstand me; I want to see good causes honoured. I have devised a method that will see them receive more money, without the need for celebrities to use African babies for their own personal gratification.

Firstly you have the hype-hype-hype of the mission’s danger. Training in hyperbaric chambers, killer temperatures off the scale altitudes. Ten thousand people each year summit on Kilimanjaro, I am pretty certain that as most climbers are on either a Gap year or a midlife crisis things to do before you die trip, they probably didn’t have access to hyperbaric chambers. Granted a few of them die. But if 10,000 people were to engage in that other fundraising standard – sitting in a tub of baked beans – the death toll would be similar.

But every morning on Radio1 I have been told about the death dicing these slebs are about to engage in to save the world. And saving the world is what they actually claim to be doing. They are not saving lives they are going for a stroll up a (big) hill. The people giving money are saving lives.

So, cut out the egotising, self-publicising, world-savers. Just ask Joey Public to donate to save lives. The immediate benefit of this would be to save on twenty first class return airfares to Tanzania, hotels and climbing equipment. That saves one hundred thousand lives straight away.

I am not stupid. I know. You need the hype to get the public hysterical enough to donate money. No celebrities risking lives/limbs – no money.

So here is the really clever plan. Don’t climb the mountain; don’t fluff the already erect celebritegos. Don’t broadcast anything. Easy. Switch off all transmissions. No slebs doing the rounds on chat shows, no newspaper articles, no radio promotion.

The BBC costs 118 million per day to run. Last year, Comic Relief raised 67 million. So if every time a Comic Relief related event/promo/hype was scheduled to be broadcast; it wasn’t.  In its place nothing was broadcast. Silence. All transmitters were switched off. All BBC staff went to get a coffee. The money saved could become the money gained.

Faultless logic. World saved. Job done.

You can read the usual blah-blah press release here in the London Paper

Here is a video offering advice on planning an expedition to climb Kilimanjaro.

Five places to see before they are changed forever on why it is a nice place for a holiday.

I would like to begin by thanking the Hussy for giving me the opportunity to share my subtle yet profound thoughts with its readers.

My worldly experience does not amount to much, but that does not mean that I am not an important person. In fact it makes my opinions all the more important because they have not been tempered, softened or diluted by reason.

Actually to be honest, none of the words that I write are actually my own; yes- they come from my body as I tappity-tap on the keyboard but they did not start in my own brain. My head is actually filled with monkeys, but unfortunately not enough of them.

When I was a child then my father wanted to test the theory that an infinite number of monkeys given an infinite numbers of typewriters would begat great works of art. He was a genius; but mad. His plan was to miniaturise the beasts and create a habitat for them inside my skull. They were to have everything they needed for a productive life; banana trees, bunk beds, relaxations zones with table football games, pizza in the fridge and of course typewriters. Unfortunately, he forgot to take into account the size of my head. Instead of the planned infinite number, there was only room for 37 of the creatures.

Advances in technology have helped a little; the typewriters were replaced with laptops – which improved the qualitya great deal because monkeys are shit at spelling. But no amount of hi-tec can make up for a slack attitude. While I write this five of the little buggers are shagging and seven are asleep. In fact only one of them is really putting any effort in to writing.

And he just stopped.

.

for every child”

so says the front page of latest homes magazine.

And solid gold is the perfect choice for every bath tap, winning numbers are the perfect choice for every lottery ticket, long is the perfect choice for any life, and 12″ is the perfect choice for every penus.

This intelligent, balanced well conceived cover line draws the reader in towards a full page of blathering gibber inside the magazine.

He squeals, “I can’t deny the pleasure of … churning out boys and girls who can pass exams but little else”

Now let us first assume that Brighton College is bloody marvellous, it should be as its charity status means every taxpayer in Brighton and Hove is giving it a leg-up.

But, the perfect choice for every child?? OK I choose it.

£24,000 per annum, that makes it near perfect for every child.

Please, can I join your brain factory?

But don’t let the money stop you; it really is the perfect choice for every child. So don’t go whinging coz you are being educationally buggered at Varndean; you are only there because you are not perfect.

See for yourself Brighton College

We might be free but many commentators believe that in the light of the Max Mosley trial the press is becoming less so. So what shouldn’t you say? A good friend of The Hussy’s exclusively revealed to her that…

“I wouldn’t write that squire, not unless you want to be sixty grand down and shelling out the highest amount in a privacy action in recent history, squire, and having everyone say that because you write such scurrilous screed our press will become boring, like the French. Oh no, I really wouldn’t go there guvner.

“South of the river, at this time? “Mr Mosley did have sex with five young ladies of the night but unless you want a good caning yourself I’d advise you to steer clear. The honourable judge will only go and say that that nice Mr Mosley has a reasonable expectation of privacy, sir, no matter how ‘unconventional’ his sexual proclivities – and they certainly wouldn’t be my cup of cocoa, that’s for sure. But at the same time it isn’t ‘in the public interest’ to know what he gets up to – even though it might interest the public.

Max Mosley likes rough sex

“But oh no, I wouldn’t go there with that nice Mr Mosley (Hitler was a guest at his parents’ wedding, you know?); not unless you want that Roy Greenslade bloke from the Guardian blaming you for messing up the British press. ‘Gradually judges will develop a law on privacy that might well lead to a genuine denial of press freedom,’ he wrote. And you don’t want to have to stand outside the High Court of Justice and defend yerself by saying that the British media is being ‘strangled by stealth’, like that nice Mr Myler from the News of the World did, do you now sir? Where did you say to drop you? Chelsea. Very nice, sir. Have a good day. Tshcuss.’

Sacre Bleu! President Sarkozy preferrez la fromage bleu! Et les femmes bleu!

“Non, non, non, non. Ze French press eez so buttoned-up we should all pity le pauvre Parisian paparazzee. En France everyone has “the right to the respect of the private life” or “ze right to ze respect of ze private life”. Zerefore ze President Monsieur Mitterand was able to conceal a mistress and, ‘allo ‘allo, an illegitimate enfant for beaucoup de years.

“Did you really think it was le pain et le boursin that attracted ze Pitt- Jolies to get lost in France? Or could it have been ze fact that ze French press are so flippin’ friendly that zere was no chance of zem taking a snap of ze Pitt-Jolie frog spawn and messing up a possible deal for millions of euros (pour la charity, bien sur) with a magazine for ze premiere pictures of ze twins?

“Ze French reel in dizguzt at the gall of the Grande Bretagne tabloids. But touché, maybe zey will have to mangez their words now they have ziz President Sarkozy in ze Champs Elysee and his tres chic femme, who gave us all a real Eifell with her former Madonna with the big boobies pose in zat picture auctioned at Sothebys. C’est vrai, les newspapers Francaise said ‘non’ to les images of tres chic Carla but ze nasty British press, tres uncouth as zey are, printed them gauche, droite and everywhere. And, with ze rise of ze global information super autoroute ‘ I mean, ze internet’ vot eez to stop any old roué in Rouen checking zem out? Je ne sais pas.”