That’s why I reckon it’s going to be good, that’s why it’s going to change your life.

Here is what I don’t know…

“What we do is seriously frowned upon so we have to keep it secret so we don’t get busted and stuff. This is not bingo as you know it – this is Rebel Bingo – it’s about going out with your mates, getting smashed, dancing, playing hardcore rebel bingo, winning sick prizes from iwantoneofthose.com, and drawing on each other a lot.”

So there you have it…

And to accompany it here is the evidence,

It appears to show evidence of people drawing on each other and bingo. I think they are smashed and they are probably mates. It is dark, so let us assume it is underground. What more do you need to know?

Personally, I blame the teachers.

Or maybe I should be blaming the taechers?

Which makes me think about the cyber-squatting illegal to use domain names that could be construed as representing an organisation. This includes typos, but how close to the original do you have to be in order to bring a hefty law suit onto your head? Bearing in mind the state of literacy in this country, the acceptable limits are going to have to be flexible. I am gonna reister www.omazon.co.uk before it gets to late.

For a short time I took over a phone number from a cafe that had closed. The majority of phone calls that came through were trying to sell me stuff, the most interesting ones were trying to sell me advertising. The offer usually went something like this.

1. I book and advert.

2. They write a glowing review of my cafe.

3. We all jump into bed together for a special massage.

The third point was implied, but not actually spoken. The fist two were a given.

The end result of this fine and incestuous bargain leaves both parties sated. But the problem is that it means you can’t trust the reviews you read. Newspapers are obliged to label adverts to differentiate them form news, but at a local level this seems to be ignored and doesn’t apply to magazines anyway.So, other than word of mouth, how do you find out what is good/shite in Brighton?

I have recently fallen in love with www.qype.co.uk it is a user submitted review site. Most importantly it allows everyone to say what they really believe about the service that they use. There is the obvious issue that a venue/cafe/pub could give itself positive reviews but the more people that use the site the more the majority opinion will out.

The idea  isn’t new ( toptable, tripadvisor, yelp, etc) but Qype is tryinget the to involve a social networking aspect to it all, which might encourage some of the FB/twitter fans to join in the fun. The Brighton part of the site has mushroomed since the start of this year.

If you fancy contributing then look me up -  my qype ID is hartingale

Join a democratic movement to kill the advertorials…

Brighton Tattoo Convention.

oooooooooooooh freestuff – I can hear you salivating already. Well in order to be in it and win it then you need to answer one very simple question, then fill in the form below. …

Question:

Brighton is hosting a tattoo convention, but are tattoos conventional in Brighton?

Possible answers:

A- yes

B- no

C- Maybe, it all really depends on your point of view.

The Brighton Tattoo Convention brings together over 150 of the best tattoo artists in the world. So if you want to get yourself indelibly marked then you really need to be there. If you want to see a subculture displaying itself in all its arty finery then you really want to be there. Think what it would be like to be inside an aviary where only the most colourful Birds of Paradise are allowed entry. Then imagine those birds are competing against each other, seeing who they get to mate with the choicest bird and improving their chances by adding to their exotic plumage. Then imagine you are there too  – because you were clever enough to win some tickets with The Hussy. 

The event is being held at Brighton Racecourse

30th and 31st January

Tickets cost £20 (day), £35 (weekend)

Plus, there is an aftershow party at Concorde2 (Free with convention entry)

Plus, there is Live Music all day.

The winners of the competition will each get 2 tickets and be contacted by email on Friday 29th January. Good Luck… 

cforms contact form by delicious:days

Smug Git - press the flesh

Luckily the recession is over, so now is an ideal time to sart a new business. The Bighton and Hove Business show will provide the ideal platform for entrepreneurs to trample all be fore them. No, fuck, hold on a minute. It’s not over yet. It’s not even begun properly. The business show must be an oppurtunity for business folk to compare the size of their mortgage arrears, play Top Trumps with unpaid invoices,  doodle in each others empty order books.

Maybe the impending economic doom and spiralling unemployment should really be seen as an opportunity? Take an empty shop, make it full. I reckon there is still plenty of room in the Brighton for more cafes, all of those newly unemployed are gonna have to but lattes somewhere.

And don’t forget the speed networking event. One swift handshake, the flick of a business card and barely enough time to wipe yourself off before pressing more flesh. That’s it I get it now, must have misread the press release. It isn’t a business show; it’s a busyness show. Look at us aren’t we busy, yep- no sign of a downturn here, busy, busy, busy. The bad shit  must be happening somewhere else… Worthing?

But it is free. Don’t look it in the mouth. Maybe you can pocket some samples at the Brighton and Hove Business show.

Opening times                 11am -  6pm

Venue                               Hove Centre, Hove Town Hall, Hove, BN3 6AZ

Website                            www.brightonandhovebusinessshow.co.uk

Admission                        Free.  To register, please visit here

Isn’t it about time that you claimed the 15 minutes of fame that are your birthright? You could try faking a learning disability and make an arse of yourself in the Britain’s Got Talent - who knows you could pull a monkey out of the hat and win. Don’t go grasping at all of your 15 minutes in one go – you’ll end up looking like man drowning in a barrel of approbationary effluent, trying to pull himself up on the greased pole of dreams hung just out of reach by the teasing temptations of future dreams. No. Fit a gastric band to your ego and nibble at your 15 minutes – 20 seconds at a time. www.pecha-kucha.org

If you have 20 things thoughts you want to share with others then Pecha Kucha is for you. Presenters need to apply by 15th January

Pecha Kucha Night Brighton Vol. 5
Komedia Studio Bar,
44-47 Gardner Street, Brighton, BN1 1UN
Wednesday 17th February 2010
Doors Open 7.30pm Starts 8.20pm Finish 11pm
Bar available
£3 Door Sales only

Contact pknbrighton@gmail.com

Bad Sex in Fiction

I suggest you give these lines a test drive. Roll them around your mouth a few times to warm them up then take them out for a spin. Whether used on your lover or a stranger – each sentence is guaranteed to unfurl the most tightly bound petals and dilate the steeliest gimlet eyes. You could measure the response mechanism of the central nervous system if were to time from when the last perfectly honed syllable left your lips until the listener subconsciously flicks their tongue across their teeth. In order to improve the quality of these lines of love, I took advantage of google’s translation facilities to translate the passage into french, the language of love. And then for the benefit of myself and the other anglophile romantics I translated it back into English, the results are below. Give it a go, you will find yourself rejoicing in spurts.

Her vulva was in front of my face. Beyond the pale flesh, a little young swollen lips. Gender, to me as a Gorgon head eyes never blinks unique as Cyclops was still watching me as a spy. Gradually, silent gaze penetrate my marrow. My breathing accelerated and stretched my hand to hide it: I’ve never seen, but still saw me and me (I already) been purified in the nude naked. Only have to be still, I have the fire My Dick can use a pole, and made me blind Polyphemus a possibility. But the tail, the stone was returned seemed ineffective. My arms were stretched without limit fingers and eyes buried. Hips slightly changed, but it was all. Far from piercing, I instead opened the eyes still hidden behind the wide eyes were empty. Then I had no idea: I let my fingers and forearm forward while dragging me, me, my wound taken against my vulva it was resting against the hole. At this time in a course, this body at the bottom of my third eye bright, his one eye looking irradiated Own Me and blind us to each other: still got a big jump was in the white light seems to go, he shouted: “What are you doing, what? and I loudly, her vulva and I am too deep into my eyes finally all, are cleaned and opened to swallow is still very large penis, a rejoicing in Spurts laughed at everything I saw out of the sperm gushes.

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Early Cafe Culture to Sailing Marina

Storming a teacup

The pre-historic settlers of Brighton were of various origins, even in it’s infancy it was a mixing pot of life styles, cultures and fashionistas. Digs at early settlements have shown that as early as 15,000 b.c. there were a string of café bars along the coast serving a bland Colombian coffee blend, but im sure the inhabitancies new that the Kenyan roast was only around the corner. The majority of the peoples of this new town came from 5 main areas.
There were the Saxons, who moved to the area when they found out that Peter “Biff” Byford had bought a beach kibbutz in the area, they were a distinctive peoples, with long hair, low brows and distinctive leather clad dress shirts. They tended to stick to their own, and settles around what is now London Road, but used to be a seasonal river. Finding found in this area show that they lived on a diet of obsidian skulls and judging by their grotesquely disintegrated necks and the surprisingly high amount of fatalities due to massive burns to the top of the skull, spent their leisure time rocking out in thunder storms.
The second group were the Angles, who had moved from the Rhineland’s as they thought it was all the lines were too flowing and faced persecution from the Romantics, the Orange order and Mr Tickle. They landed in Brighthelmstonton c. 20,000 b.c and lived in square mazes that were built with boring old Prussian precision. They lived off the land, growing square watermelons long before the Japanese, harvesting waffles, toblarones and walnut whips (though they would only eat walnut whips in times of starvation as the base was circular). They were generally happy enough apparently.
The 3rd group were people who were cruising about the med in boats and got caught in a storm, these were the Marinas. They needed somewhere to shelter their boats and happened across the natural harbour to the east of Brighton, which is now the marina (names after them). Where the marina is now, their was a natural coral bay, which the concrete walls have been built on top of. It you want to imagine it, think of the cliff as a stomach and the ‘arms’ (or walls) of the marina looking like someone doing a mime of how over weight someone they have met or seen is to a friend. The Marina people were from all over Europe and brought many strange and exotic items to trade with the locals such as beads, spices, oil, tiles, horse meat and Speedos. Some of them left when the storm cleared up but some stayed and these people opened up Brighthelmstonton to trade with the rest of Europe for the first time
The 4th group were the Celts, who had travelled far and wide. They liked to booze it up right nice a lot of the time, though their system of laws was far superior to our own in many ways. They used shells as currency, the down side to which was that after heavy storms loads of shells would wash up on the beach and the value of the currency would crash through the floor, meaning that they had either hyper inflation or massive depressions. The bones of many skeletons of Celtic merchants can still be found at the bottom of the cliffs to the east of Brighton and make an excellent substitute for chalk.
And the 5th group was a man called Geoff, who moved down with his family, he remembered having a nice time in Brighthelmstonton once when he was younger and used his redundancy money to build the beginnings of what developed into Hollingbury Hill fort (but more of that later).
These groups got along in general, they traded, they interbred, they laughed together, though there was inevitable skirmish’s, however the 5 settlements were still fairly separate and the area could not really be considered a single settlement as yet, though the town was finally taking root.

Next week: ‘The age of metal’ Brighthelmston goes Bronze

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Spin produced by Madame Geisha’s PR team has sucked me into their vortex.

I was particularly struck by a full-page write up in a local free mag that was so conflated with praise a cynic might be mistaken for thinking that it wasn’t a review at all but actually a regurgitated press release. I am a sceptic, not a cynic; so I took myself off to investigate.

My pre-dinner googling informed me…

“uniquely positioned in the heart of Brighton’s boutique quarter and just a stone’s throw away from the city’s world famous sea front, Madame Geisha is a brand new concept in dining, drinking and entertainment.”

Bloody hell – a brand new concept in dining, drinking and entertainment!! You would have thought a brand new concept in any one of those three would be enough for a lifetime. I tried to think of all the concepts that could have been considered “brand new” when they originated.

Food: Sandwiches to an 18^th Century card player, potatoes to an Elizabethan, cooked food to a Neanderthal, sushi to a man-in-the-street in 1991.

Entertainment: Breakdancing to a Tibetan monk, Big Brother to everyone, Lady GaGa (just kidding), Elvis to 1953

Drink: Beer to ancient Egyptians, tea to Marco Polo, Singapore Slings to a Singaporean, Special Brew to a vagrant in 1950…

You get the point. So, I was prepped and ready for an epoch defining evening.

The Décor

They say: blends old style with new design to great effect.

I say: inspired by something that was inspired by a Blade Runner inspired idea of Asia. Exposed ventilation ducts, harsh lighting, perhaps they blew the design budget on PR? There is a random bamboo trellis by the entrance, perhaps that is the “old style”?

The Service

Kind of odd. The well-briefed waitress was trained in soft-hard selling. This is something expected in France, USA or anywhere that the frontline staff are paid a percent of sales, caught me off-guard in Brighton. When we ordered two glasses of wine, “why not get a whole bottle?” well, because we don’t want one. If we went to buy a car would the sales rep suggest, “why not get three?” and anyway it is illegal for barstaff to encourage alcohol consumption. When we ordered two dim sum, “they are really small do you want more than two?”. When my wife ordered her green curry with rice, “wouldn’t you rather have noodles?” no “why not, don’t you like noodles?” bloody hell, fuck off.

The Food

Bit-of-this; bit-of-that. All quite nice and overpriced in the annoying but not offensively so bracket. The randomness of the “if it’s Asian we serve it” menu had me thinking… in Asia do Pan-European restaurants serve any native food found within seven timezones? eg. Haggis pizza with stilton and dry cod? The main course was accompanied by the now famous Zilli Stack, nine chips in a perfect little pile, 3×3x3. Nothing offensive, but I think the money ,must be going to the PR department rather than the kitchen.

Towards the end of the meal the lighting changed and we were informed by the waitress that we where “changing into disco mode”. Time to go…

So we left the confused madam.

Satachi Trade is a trading bank in Brighton. And I am just using this post to test the number of people searching for this particular business in Brighton. If you are genuinely interested in what satachitrade is then i suggest you look at the company website, although where would you go to verify what they tell you? You would google it of course which in turn could bring you back to this page. What an evil circle you would find yourself in.

Here is the reasons for the meandering post…

Before you part with your hard earned cash you would like to check a few reviews and see what other people think. This is one of the main reasons why amazon is killing book shops. They aren’t the cheapest and you can’t see what you are about to purchase. But you can read what other people think, it is the amazon reviews section that sets is above from other retailers.

Wouldn’t it be good if you could write your own reviews? I have chosen Satachi trade as a test case. Before I joined the organisation then I googled it to see what it was all about. Could I really trust the dodgy looking salesman – Stuart – giving me all the fluff and bumf in the shadows of the Thomas Kemp? Could I trust the testimonials on the companies own website? What I wanted was a second opinion. If this page existed at the time, then I would have used it for info. It didn’t, I couldn’t.

As you have probably noticed, I haven’t told you anything about Satachi trade yet. That is beacuase this isn’t an advert or a review. Just an experiment.

And now… because I have wasted your time here is a video to make you go ooooh!

Tony Robinson w Yazuka

Ask Tony Robinson and he’ll probably tell you that Brighton started as a Neolithic settlement a couple of thousand years ago but the only way to find out is to get some shovels and excavate the town. Let me tell you something about ‘Tony’, ‘Tony’ is looking out for ‘Tony’. Did you know that he owns shares in all of the major shovel manufactures in England? Did you realise that he personally had a trade embargo on cheap foreign shovels pushed through parliament by his powerful friends? Did you realise that ‘Tony’ owns half of Worthing and would like nothing more than our great city to be full of holes thus making it a less attractive option when it comes to buying a property, experientially raising the housing prices in Worthing? No he keep’s all that pretty quiet when he’s dishing out his self-serving advice. You simply cannot trust the man ever since ran up huge gambling debts with the Yakuza during the heady days of ‘Maid Marion’. But I fear I digress.
Brighton or Brighthelmstonton, as it was once known, is a settlement by the southern seas. The area has been populated for at least 50,000 years firstly by it’s earliest inhabitance the ‘Mermen’ who made bases made of corral, shells, nets and tridents and lovely clandestine shanties along the coast as trading posts to trade pebbles with the land dwellers from the Hassocks area. Not a lot of money in pebbles plus they made terrible investment decisions with the little money they had (cave carvings on Madera drive show a science where the Mermen exchange 65% of their collective wealth for a Sinclair C-5) Unfortunately and their society soon became bankrupt and fell into chaos and the Mermen dissipated into small roaming groups living as salvagers by the sewage outlet pipes along the coast where, as we know, they can still be found too this day.
By 30,000 b.c the area was filled with nomad hunter gatherers who swept majestically across the south downs in herds of up to half a million, kicking up dust clouds so large that they could have been seen from Paris, or as it was called then ‘La MeggaVille 12′, but as the human population learnt how to make tools such as spears, hand axes, test tubes, big plates and grippy socks they began to settle in one place, where their study of the environment meant they were the first creature since Beavers, Otters, most Birds, Spiders, Ants and Bee’s to effectively manage their environment to create a stable habitat to live in rather than just rooting around for stuff to eat.
One such settlement was establishes here on the south coast, just down form the hills a bit, by a river which has since been bricked over and was called Brighthelmstonton.
Next week – ‘Pre-Historic Brighthelmstonton’

Carrie Reichardt

The upcoming Brighton Craft Fair made me think of this chimeric ceramica that I saw at Ink-d some time or other a bit ago. So, will the crafty collective be displaying crochet tea cozies and evening class thumb post. Or will they be bringing out something a bit more funky Brighton as opposed to blue-rinsed Hove?

I guess you can find out for yourself by popping into the Corn Exchange this weekend.

Well, quite a lot actually. But most of it is crap.

If you want a  nod in the direction of the most interesting goings on in Brightonia. Sign up for Hussy Mailand get our weekly email of listings and events guaranteed to stimulate and intrigue. The most recent mailout musings are archived at the bottom of this page, so you can see what you might be letting yourself in for…

You can unsubscribe at any time and we will never pass any of your details onto others, even if they hold a gun to our heads and electrodes to our nipples. 

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Fans of the five finger discount should definitely be considering a trip to Jamie’s Italian on Black Lion Street. If you enjoy the crafty acquisition of ‘souvenirs’ from the scene of every good time, then forget the food, tasty though it is, and concentrate on the loot. 

In order to recreate a suitably rustic Italian scene, the easy to reach shelves that run around the dining area are crammed with expensive cans of vine tomatoes and heavy bottles of olive oil.

Given that they are attempting to sell olive oil at some rather interesting prices, you’d be forgiven for helping yourself to a free bottle.

The antipasti plank is placed triumphantly atop two of those tins of tomatoes when it is brought to the table, and what self-respecting waiter has time to notice those disappearing? Indeed, what self-respecting customer would choose to leave them there?

There’s also a rustic bread board full of enormous loaves of ciabatta, which the staff frequently leave unattended, and meat strung from anything that looks like it could take the weight. Easily plucked down and made off with during a busy period. Or help yourself to a serious lump of the decorative cheese that grace every counter.

Best of all, the napkins on each table are available to purchase at £12 each, so provided you don’t get clumsy with your spaghetti, you can easily sneak away with a pristine set.

No booking required, just big pockets.

Remember you are only granted an extra 60 minutes, if you hang around Brighton enjoying yourself for too long you go all pumkniny. Here are The Hussy’s pick of the night.

White Night

1. Penny Arcade  –  Fishing Museum

Living arcade machines. Small groups of people (up to six) will be shunted in to the teeny-weeny venue themed around an ancient out-of-season arcade. Inside they will find the archana and signage of old seaside amusements, wonky experimental fairground music, and three human size fortune-telling penny arcade machines.

In each machine will be a performer re-enacting a classic amusement: The Laughing Fortune-Telling Musical Clowns; The Graveyard Scene; and the Gypsy Palm-Reading Machine. The White Night Penny Arcade will create an out-of time space filled with awe and wonder.

2. The Fortune Factory – Phoenix Gallery

A heady mix of experimental performances, artworks and music in this cutting edge happening. Featuring the Istitute of Unnecessary Research, Beatabet Colllective, the Spirit of Gravity, and many more.

3. Drawing Cards From The Deck – Komedia

Get naked and draw. The event will give people the opportunity to draw from a unique range of costumed and nude poses in the context of a theatrical life class. Tuition will be provided by Jake Spicer of the Brighton Life Drawing Sessions After 9pm every half hour the doors will be opened to allow participants to come down to the studio bar where there will be given a drawing board, paper and drawing materials and shown to a space in which to draw.

4. A Surprise – Jubilee Square

It really, really is a surpries. I have no idea what it is. But I have been promied that it will be very good. Or even excellent. And you can ask it questions???

Go out, have fun, don’t stay for longer than one hour and expect to queue for anything free. The area around Jubilee Library is always a good place to hang as you do something unusual in the middle of the night.

Let us consider some of the other possibilities..

1. Love Music, Love Racism

Nasty people can still have a gentle  heart when it is melted by sweet sounds pouring through their ears.

Take Nick Griffin for example, prior to life on the acceptable edge of right-wing thuggery Nick was in a ukulele band. Coming from a working class family he entered grammar school on a music scholarship and proceeded to read Baroque music at Cambridge. He now denies all of this, but he also denies denying the holocaust, so can you really trust what he says?

2. Love Racism, Hate Music

The Afrikaans despise all forms of music. Their extreme protestant beliefsinclude the idea that music is the devils temptation. Terre’Blanche once killed a man for humming. But you cannot fault his Love Racism credentials.

3. Hate Music, Hate Racism

Some people just hate everything they will never be happy. In fact I would even suggest that a music loving racist would have a more fulfilling life than someone that can find no joy in anything.

4. Indifferent to Music and Racism

This category is unfortunately where the majority of the population finds themselves. More people voted for Susan Boyle than voted at the European elections. Susan Boyle lost and the BNP received 6% of the vote. General indifference all around.

5. Love Music, Hate Racism

Saturday 24th October

Audio Brighton, Five Pounds, 7.30pm

Trenton & Free Radical,-  live Hip Hop and Reggae outfit hailling from  Africa and bringing a strong groove mixed with astute lyrics on living in our globalised world

Lana - who has had plenty of support on BBC 6 Music and BBC Radio 2

Senadee,  featured on the  dance hit ‘Say The Words’ (Ben Gold) which playlisted on BBC Radio 1 for 7 weeks and was single of the month in Mix Mag. He is going to bring his unrivalled vocal and myrical prowess along with his little acoustic band

If it’s the former, and you fancy taking on one hefty challenge, then how’s about you sign up for National Novel Writing Month?

“…a creative writing project held annually in November in which participants attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. Despite the name, the project is now international in scope…”

Jucies fizzing at the thought? Then submit your details to the site and before you commit yourself to isolation and bitten fingernails, head over to The Sanctuary Cafe in on 30th October for the launch party, which will give you the chance to meet fellow crazy fools with literary aspirations. Mescaline optional.

If you enjoy art with a side order of interaction then you’ll no doubt be interested in the concept behind Fabrica’s latest exhibition – Chameleon.

Antipodean artist Tina Gonsalves and her team have somehow managed to create emotionally sensitive software which translates feelings into video portraits. These are then played back to visitors, which in turn affect their emotions anew, and mean that the mood within the gallery is constantly shifting in accordance with the exhibit.

It’s all to do with emotional contagion, an ability in human beings to absorb and display the emotions being expressed by others around them. Which the exhibition aims to demonstrate through you, the willing participant. It’s nice to feel part of something. Chameleon runs until 29th November.

Fabrica Gallery, 40 Duke St, BN1 1AG
Opening times
Wed-Sat 12-5pm
Sun 2-5pm
Late night opening on Sat 24 October until 2am
Closed Mon & Tues

You’re bleary eyed, blurry minded, feeling bloody awful? Your phone is dead, your money is in somebody elses’s pocket…in short, you’re drunk and disorderly and the pavement is looking an increasingly tempting place to press your face into?

Well, don’t do that.

Your face deserves better.

The Hussy have compiled an in-depth and mostly made up survey, and are proud to bring you a comprehensive guide to the 5 best spots in Brighton and Hove for a weary inebriate to have a little lie down:

5) The grassy area surrounding St Peter’s Church – redeem yourself in the ominous shadow of the Lord.

4) The Clock Tower – If you’ve not been propped up against it in your time, then you’re clearly doing this all wrong.

3) Pavilion Gardens – laughably easy to hop over the fence, and if you’re not bothered by ominous rustling in the bushes, or damp grass, then you should assume the recovery position here.

2) The beach – close your eyes, put your hood up, pretend those vicious waves are nothing more than a tropical tickle and away you go. Just be prepared to have your head trodden on by a series of disorientated clubbers.

1) The entrance to the NCP Car Park on Cannon Place – slightly off the well-beaten track of West Street which means you stand a reasonable chance of remaining undisturbed, this little-known haven for the hazy also boasts a toilet and two vending machines. Winner? You will be.

Paramount Comedy pulled out of the festival because they didn’t find it funny anymore. And it seems they took the ad spend with them. Google “Brighton Comedy Festival 2009″  The Hussy is on the first page, for any large event this place is normally the preserve of tickets sellers and promoters standing to earn a butty by telling you how great everything is, oh yes it is, honest, but a ticket. But they aren’t there and I am.

I found a brochure for the festival in the Peter Pan playground, which is where you would normally expect to find a soggy porn stash. So, what does the brochure tell me…

There are 54 comics on the bill

Alan Carr is the most expensive ticket, £30

There are 7 funny women in Brighton this month

There are LOADS of comedy awards, most comics own one

Everyone can quote a 5 star review

If a comic hasn’t  been on TV they have been on Radio4

Radio 4 isn’t funny

Gay men are funny

Irish people are funny

Al Murray is second priciest, £25

Beauty is not an asset to comedy

Most of the female comics cost under £12

I am mainly looking forwards to Frisky and Mannish

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Laurie J Proud

Not only are they excellent paintings, but Laurie is a pleasant young man. And he wears a suit.

What more can you ask for?

Brighton Art Fair.

Prawn Cocktail – soggy prawns, probably defrosted under a worn tap, gloopy-snot sauce, limp lettuce

Garlic Mushrooms – floating in vegetable oil, like turds in the med.

Pizza -  half a pound of dehomoginised economy cheddar saturating the dough with oil

And best of all the waiter strutted around with a 24 inch pepper grinder.

The only contemporary touch was the Eastern European waiting staff. Very now.

So, are the management wittily tipping a wink at 1980s Italian diners or just lazy? Do they not know that Jamie Oliver has opened up around the corner. There was a time when going out for a meal could mean getting a Wimpy burger. Blue Nun used to be posh. They used to mime on the Radio One roadshows. Times change, we are all getting a bit more sophisticated. No? Actually, I shouldn’t grumble – it was really cheap.

The Half Sisters, (c) Ben Petrucci

 To be more precise it is Sister, Sister, Half Sister. But Bros allowed Craig to join in so there is family misnomer precedent in band names. Actually one third of the trio are half sisters so the name is 67% accurate.

The Brighton band are fun. And good. Good fun.

Tonight they are playing at the Brighton Live launch party, but that is invite only so you can’t come. There is free beer too, but don’t let that concern you. They are also playing at Madame Geisha, Friday 2nd October. So you can go, indeed you should go. To tempt you I have placed one of their extremely high budget videos below…

Angela Lizon, Colossal Cats

This image is enough to give me faith in the quality of the artists that are exhibiting at the Brighton Art Fair.

See you there…

Brighton Art Fair:

The Corn Exchange, 

2nd – 4th October.

To be continued…

Why? because it is five days of FREE events that work to promote local artists. That means free gigs. WIN-WIN-all around. Brighton Live is a non-profit organisation which makes a pleasant change in a town filled with greedy fuckers.

At the core of the festival is a showcase of new and unsigned Brighton music at a wide range of venues in the city. Over 150+ bands play 20+ venues. There are also free industry workshops and seminars to provide: information, inspiration, advice and discussion on current issues. There are also opportunities for professional development and networking with wise old music professionals and other -not so wise but enthusiastic- unsigned bands.

For five days: 29th Sep to 3rd October there are events in 20+ venues all over Brighton and Hove.

If you only manage to get out to see a couple bands, The Hussy recommends…

Half Sisters: @Madame Geishas, Friday 2nd October 7.30
Catchy songs that will appeal to everybody. Things are kept simple with a poppy sound created using ukulele, flute, jazz drums and vocal harmonies (according to Brighton Visitor)

Grasscut @My Hotel, Friday 2nd October 7.15
A duo possessing all the credentials one would expect to find on the soundtrack to a spooky, dazed and confusing dream, it should come as no surprise that The Sunday Times deemed Grasscut ghostly and weird. More astonishing, though, is the inclusion of “enveloping” in that description; and, more astonishing still, is that it’s completely true. Grasscut’s melodies are never compromised by their spookiness; in fact, the amalgamation of the two produces something so fascinating you’d be a fool to miss it. (according to The Badger)

For full listing go here

Firstly, at the start of this week,  a freecycle splinter group was formed GreenCycleSussex . This is the moderators from Brighton Freecycle going it alone.

Then, some dude called Larry informed me that the original freecycle group is still going.

So, who, what, why?

It is all a big ego thing, everyone wants to be the boss, make the decisions. And just like the way fractured oppostion allowed Hitler to rise up and be naughty, the only loser will be the cause.

Or in a less dramatic analogy it is like when all the members of Boyzone launched solo careers. The only people to lose out were the fans. So, who is to be the Ronan Keating of the freecycle world?

And why is there a squabble over the use of the name “Freecycle” ? Does Al Gore object to the use by other of of “Global Warming” and “Carbon Footprint”? You can read some petty nonsense here

While the freecycle civil war rages, I suggest you just use Gumtree instead. (It works better anyway)

Ace Cafe Reunion.

Bikes, leather, studs. Does it get any camper than this?

Imbue's Brighton

In the beginning was the word. And the word was brief, succinct and to the point.

“Let there be light.” not a lot of verbosity in that statement.

“Thou shalt not kill.” no work for a sub-editor on that text.

And Imbue has done the same-same with this print. It’s part of the Made in Brighton exhibition at Ink-d. There is obviously other stuff there, and it is all worth seeing etc etc.

More of his stuff on the website or just look at any lamp post in Brighton.

Brighton Speed Trials - Celeb Particapant

Purity Plummets.

The quality of speed available to the public has fallen to an all time low. Consumer groups are calling for goverment regualted minimum standards. The campaign kicks off on Madeira Drive this weekend. Have a go for yourself and see what you think of the “gold standard” varieties available to sample. There are plenty of paramedics on hand just in case too much speed results in a nasty accident.

Vbites

vbites

At celeb-caf down by Hove lagoon you can sit and watch cupcakes chasing flapjacks around in circles. It is even less appealing than it sounds, they don’t even look like nice cakes. Dry. Drab. Dull.

It could be an orbital somewhere just outside the 7th ring of hell. A ring road of inedible nibbles orbiting for eternity.

Generation game pergatory, cupcake, flapjack, cupcake, flapjack. Don’t forget the cupcake, flapjack, cupcake, flapjack.

I am sure they taste nice, they just aren’t lookers.

And just like Karaoke – some people will really take it seriously and others will cheese it up for their pals.

But unlike karaoke – you can use it as an excuse to show your underwear to strangers in a bar.

Poleoke takes place at the Latest Music Bar.
Pole Dance Lesson (see below)  from 7-8pm
Poleoke! 8-10pm
£5 entry / £10 with lesson
Saturday 29th August

Bearded Beauty: William Fitzsimmons

Feeling lucky enough to be provided a chance to see William Fitzsimmons at on his latest wiz-round-tour round the U.K I headed out to the freebutt, to watch him play, and promote his latest album, “Goodnight”.
This bearded beauty of a man – rated as one of americas finest finest folk musicians – fuses his own emotive lyrics with simplistic guitar folk melodies. Hailing from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, born the youngest of two blind parents, his relationship with sound began. Having to communicate through sound in a variety of different ways, the house being covered with the likes of pianos, talking birds, guitars, trombones, and a huge pipe organ (which his father built with his own hands), including parents with very varied music styles, the mother being more interested in the contempery folk artists of the time, including Joni Mitchell, Bob Dylan, and James Taylor. His dad resonating with a more classical taste, you could say that along with his own passion for music he was destined to be a fantastic musician.
His history in working has not however been straight into music,being a qualified threpist in the U.S.A his lyrics retain an outside view point, and a melonconic quality about them. His latest album about his parents divorce, was said by him to be an important album in in releasing the regret and pain, and moving on.
Arriving at the freebutt venue at 7.30pm, the venue  conspicuasly hidden with hardly any frontage and not ready for any punters, me and a couple of other punctuals were asked if we were actually in the band.
If anyone has been to the freebut the layout is sunwhat unusual a seperate room for the bar, and a mirad of pillars scatter a small room with a stage at the far corner, its deffinetly a personal experience. To start a young lady sung meodic pop and got the crowd started, and a band called “The sea will decide”  bored me to tears.
William entered the stage with just one other member on guitar a very simplistic band outfit. Laughing, connecting and making relationships with the audience, he would tell the audence what particular songs meant ask questions, and have fun, being such an intimate venue it seems we could really get a feel for the real William, his voice so peaceful and quiet was so beautifully different and unique, songs such as “the song of the sparrow”, shone through for me, and also “you still hurt me” His voice was not forced it seemed he did not have to try hard to get his voice across, his emotions being resolved through his music. His music will deffinetly fill apart of you and nourish the soul, reccommended listening.

Reviewed by Luke Tonks

Gang Up Magazine Launch Party – Monday 24th August @ 8pm

Old Music Library, 115-6 Church Street

www.gangupmagazine.com

In the swamp of shite that is the Brighton magazine scene there may be something interesting about to happen.

DarkDaze - the LaChappelle of the South Coast – is behind the people behind the new Gang Up Magazine.

I know nothing more than the PR release that appeared in my inbox courtesy of the Brighton softporn/lingerie magnates at Ophelia’s Fancy.

www.gangupmagazine.com

Ainsley Harriott is coming to Brighton to campaign against the humble chip. The not-quite-celebrity chef has been struck by the idea that there are too many chips in circulation. And unless something can be done about it they will develop AI and start the Final War.

Mr Harriot wants to prevent a terminator style armgeddon by ridding us of chips before it all gets out of control. Or maybe he dislikes looking at fat people and paying taxes so they can have their greed stapled.

WHO?

Ainsley Harriott will be at Churchill Square in Brighton to launch his ‘No Chip Week’ campaign.
WHAT’S HAPPENING?

Head down to Churchill Square for a chance to meet Ainsley Harriott and see how Cous Cous works as a delicious side for a number of meal options. 
WHERE?

Churchill Square
WHEN?

Friday 14th August from 10am-5pm

Beachdown Photographer: Denise Felkin

Beachdown writer: Sarah Sharp

We are going to continue the format of competition to find writers photographers for future events, so watch this space…

Much like tea, chocolate and diamonds, you should always ensure that your pets are ethically sourced. Sadly it seems puppy farming is still alive and breeding fast – despite switching to a cold wash cycle and only ever buying potatoes with the Soil Association stamp of approval, as a nation we are supporting an exceptionally unfair trade and we don’t even realise it.
 

If puppies are your thing (and let’s face it, if they aren’t your thing, then your soul is clearly made of plywood) then you’ll probably appreciate the opportunity to just say no to the brutal process of farming, and find out where you can purchase your next guilt-free and healthy pet?
 

Then this, canine friends and fans, is for you – on 19th September 2009, Brighton Racecourse is hosting the ‘World’s Largest Puppy Party’. Organised by snazzy social networking site ThePet.Net, the day will feature a dog show (judged by celebrities Carol Cleveland, Chris Ellison and Frank Burnside) , all day heats for your dogs to compete in and will be attended en force by a mass of the wriggling, licking, joie de vivre that are PUPPIES!
 

Proceeds from the event will go to deserving causes: Pro Dogs Direct, Hope Rescue and Sussex Pet Rescue. And if that ain’t enough to tempt you, there is even talk of making the day an official world record attempt. The words ‘puppy’ and ‘party’ smack of a rollicking good time to me, so stuff your pockets with bacon, give Fido a bath and a polish and pride yourself on attending the event to be seen at on this year’s doggy social calendar (aside from the Howling at The Moon Festival and The Big Bust-Up Over Bones).

The Thinking Men’s Project is launching (do you see what they did there? You will in a minute) itself in Brighton this July by holding a grand and glorious fancy dress bungee jump. (Launching. Bungee. Geddit?) 

Entitled ‘One Giant Leap For Man’ (you must see what they did there?), participants are asked to dress up as their number one male idol and then prove they they are in fact, man enough, by throwing themselves from a great height - ankles last, breakfast first. That’s if you’re man enough to eat breakfast beforehand.

Let’s hope the costumes are appropriate for this level of activity.

All money raised will be put towards local projects dedicated to:

• Improving men’s health and life expectancy
• Addressing boy’s educational under-achievement
• Tackling violence against boys and men
• Supporting fathers by closing the parenting gap

So say yes to testosterone and fool-hardy acts of bravery! Do it for your sons. Or your future sons. Or somebody you know who has a son. 

Saturday11th July, Madeira Drive, 12-6pm

www.thinkingmen.org.uk

The first Armed Forces Day is 27 June 2009, and is an opportunity for the nation to show our support for the men and women who make up the Armed Forces community

The idea behind the day is to celebrate the achievements of the armed forces and honour the sacrifices of the men and women involved. A family friendly event is planned.

To kick off the celebrations, will be a parachute display. Pigs will be chuted into the sea just off the beach. Youngsters will get a chance to play with a bit of hi-tech war machinery taking porcine-potshots. The organisers are expecting some protests by animal rights protesters, but aren’t too worried. The officer in charge of the day, stated ” we aren’t too worried.” apparently there is an historical underpinning of livestock parachuting with the Great Pig Drop being one of the deciding strategies of WWI.

The pig shoot will be followed by a display from the royal navy with a search and rescue display. Pig corpses are remarkabely similar to dead humans so will allow our boys and girls to demonstrate their rescue skills.

Next up, it’s campfire cookery as the freshly brined hams are spit-roasted on the beach.

Where:  Lower Promenade East of the West Pier 

When:  Saturday 27 June.

11.00– Parachute Display over Brighton and Hove Seafront – performed by the Tigers Free-fall and Parachute Display Team

11.30 – Event to be opened by The Worshipful the Mayor of Brighton and Hove

noon – Cadet Hour to feature displays and award ceremony

13.00 – Armed Forces Day Parade

15.00 – Armed Forces Day Address and Veterans Badge presentation

16.00 – Live Music performance by local band ‘Koala Friday’www.koalafriday.co.uk

There might also be some more with Photographic, historical and static displays, Veterans Advice stands, Military Vehicles, and have a go activities.

Don’t be shy, give it a go.

Oh Simon. Come live with me, and be my love. I’ll separate your curls each morning. Iron your shirt collars till you could slice a crusty loaf with them. Buff your tongue with vinegar and Jif Lemon, ready for a day of making acerbic comments. I’ll only try and shag you the once. OK, maybe I won’t learn from that, and get you drunk and try it again. But it’ll be love in its purest form Simon, and that’s what counts.

Yours Truly,

A (slightly obsessed, but not dangerous) Fan

Simon Amstell – Do Nothing

To find the details of individual images, click on the photo.

The slideshow will keep updating as new images are added to to flickr. To view the images fullscreen click the button on the bottom-right of the slideshow

To find details of the individual photographers, then click on the image to go to their flickr page. You will also be able to see more of their photographs there.

That’s Brighton baby. Yeah. The south east is one of the most densely populated areas of Britain. It’s heaving with hotties. Or at least, people that you could consider dating.

One small problem though, this plethora of potential partners may be difficult to get a firm grip on. Because Brighton is bubbling over with variety, there’s always going to be somebody new to see and, urm, do. If you want to secure at least the prospect of a second date, and putting out is something you’d rather put off, you’re going to have to make that first meeting memorable.

Drinks or dinner are a reasonably safe choice, provided you don’t order something soaked in garlic, or tend to mis-read situations when you’ve had a few ales. But this sort of intimate setting will require you to sparkle – keep a, if not the, conversation going. Could get tricky, unless you’re the sort of insanely confident person who never suffers from nerves, only a general sense that everything they embark on will be a success. If this is you, then frankly, get off my page.

If you arrange a date at any of following however, not only will you ensure that there will definitely be something to talk about beyond the menu, you will also go down in dating history as the one that  decided to be different.  Your cup will runneth over with sexual promise. ‘He who dares Rodney…’

The Sea Life Centre, Marine Parade, BN2 1TB

The main attraction, the turtle tank, is where you should centre your visit around. Provided you’re on time, a member of staff will talk the assembled crowd through the various floating wonders of the deep. The highlight of these is Lulu, the vegetarian green turtle, who weighs 32 stone, and doesn’t appear to be sticking to her diet. She can often be witnessed gobbling down the bloody offerings meant for the sharks and her turtle chum, Jersey. Next to Lulu, you’re going to look pretty suave.

 Earthship Brighton, Stanmer Park, BN1 9PZ

Don’t get too excited, deep space fans. Earthship Brighton may be the first of it’s kind in England, but it’s got diddly squat to do with science fiction. This is a facts based date. Earthships are “cutting edge ‘green’ buildings, constructed using waste car tyres and other recycled materials”. A first date here will undoubtedly say – ‘hey, I care about this planet. What an intelligent, compassionate individual I really am. Don’t you wanna get with this?’ It’ll also enable you to broach the tricky subject of compatible lifestyle goals .

Orb360, Devil’s Dyke, BN1 8Y

The basic premise of orb-ing:  strap willing participant inside a huge transparent rubber ball thing, and launch off top of nearest hill. Devil’s Dyke does nicely. Don’t be dissuaded by the prospect of vomiting, if you can manage to hold it and your stomach together, then this is a sure-fire method of impressing just about anybody with your fearless disregard for getting red of face and ridiculous of hair. If you orb a deux, then this is also a good way to get up close and personal without appearing too keen. If they react badly, you simply blame gravity.

Brighton Victorian Sewers Tour (call 01903 272606 to book a place)

How many people have you ever met that can tell you a story about the time they found love in a drainage system? And not just any drainage system. “One of the most magnificent examples of civil engineering from that glorious period of ingenuity.” You get to wear a hard hat. You get to emerge from a man hole in the middle of Old Steine Gardens. You’ll get a result.

Penny Arcade Museum, Kings Road Arches BRIGHTON, BN2 2ZD

Fifty novel slot machines dating from 1900 to 1960, most of them available to play. If you want to make the  impression that you a) are generous with money and b) can make learning fun, and provided you can guarantee to take more interest in your date than the exhibits, then be brave and suggest a visit. If they don’t show up, you’ll still be able to amuse yourself.

"uncomfortable in clothes"

The World Naked Bike Ride Brighton will for the first time in it’s six year history be supported by naked police officers.

As many as 1,000 naked cyclists will meet at The Level and begin their naked bike ride and site-seeing tour of Brighton on June 14th. Due to large number of people involved and the possibility of traffic snarl-ups police will be needed to accompany the ride. Some of the police officers are said to be uncomfortable in the presence of so much bare flesh and so many pink-bits.

Police psychologists advised the officers that if they were naked themselves then this would help them overcome their anxieties.

Some issues yet to be resolved include how the naked police will be identified. Here are some of the suggested solutions…

• Police Helmets
• Specially designed police badge nipple tassels
• Blue body paint
• Identifiable police socks

The current police contract does not allow for police officers to be paid if they are not in uniform. This could become a sticking point in what is otherwise a widely accepted and progressive piece of community policing.

To read the official stuff on the Brighton Naked Bike Ride this also has thousands of photos of last years event.

However, at this weekend’s Japanese festival (kindly brought to the people of Brighton by Moshi Moshi) Seiko Kato caught my woefully inexperienced and lazy eye. A graduate from the University of Brighton, and now a freelance illustrator, she has produced a startling range of collages, drawings, textiles and 3D montages. All made from, or inspired by, items she has built up a collection of over the last 5 years. Damn, this woman must have some storage space.

Perhaps a little too eerie and complex for your average mantelpiece or downstairs bathroom, you should still definitely find some time to peruse her work, and see where it takes you. Make sure the kiddies are in bed first though.

www.seikokato.com

Tescos.  Ok, they only really stock the top 40 and they only stock it on CD.  You can still pick up the odd interesting disc while you are doing your weekly shop.  2/10

Fine Records.  Technically it is a record shop but you would only shop there if you were after something for a grandparent who listened to Radio 3.  Lots of classical and operatic boy bands.  Their collection of tape cassettes is soon to achieve “historical monument” status.  0/10

Oxfam.  Of all the charity shops in Hove the Oxfam Bookshop on Blatchington Road is probably the best one to visit.  Their CD selection may be small but is as eclectic and usually has a few items worth checking out.  5/10

The Library.  You can’t actually buy the records there but you can borrow them, rip them to your iPod and then return them.  7/10

Breaking News.  There appears to be a new shop opening up just down from Hove station.  The sign outside mentions funk/soul collectibles so it is probably one for the crate diggers than the N-Dubz crowd. 

Have I missed anywhere else?

Where is the Green Party?

The use of colour as a weapon has not been seen in Brighton politics for twenty years, but all of that may be about to change…

As I am sure you are aware, political parties feel kinship with colours: Labour-red, Liberals-yellow, BNP-redwhiteandblue, etc. But few parties tie their colours to the mask with as much conviction as the Green Party. For the Greens it is not just a colour but a way of life, green-living, green-thinking, green-futures.

A new group that takes its colour seriously has appeared on the scene. The Brighton Green Party may well have been angered by the sell-out appearance of the Blue Man Group. Few political meetings on a local level can fill a pub, let alone the Brighton Centre. So the arena filling rallies may be set to make waves.

No spokespeople from anywhere had anything to say on the subject.

“They have not just played the colour card, but they have played it from the bottom of the deck” -Labour Supporter

“We are not racists, but we draw the line at Blue” -BNP fan

“We are true-blue so who the fuck are these cunts” -Conservative person

“I’m blue-dabba-deeda, da-da-badabba_deeda” -Someone or other

Of course if you think all of the above is nonsense; then why not join me in spoiling your ballot by writing “Fuck Off” on it.

We all fancy a bit of that, don’t we? There’s a reason that song hung around for so long. And it isn’t because it was actually any good. It’s because most of us yearn for, or at least occasionally crave a personal jet on standby, a queue of quivering fans offering to lick us all over and a healthy disregard for the rules of modern society, ‘cos they don’t apply to mofo-ing superstars. Hedonism is great fun. If you can afford it.

Well, there is one way to feel like a genuine star of rock, without having to take out a second mortgage, or bite the head off something small, innocent, and still breathing. Go somewhere posh and exclusive. Behave very, very badly. Get kicked out. Take a seat in the gutter and revel in your newly acquired bad ass.  Instant credibility. Sort of. Well, it works for Liam Gallagher. Sort of.

The Hanbury Club, 83 St George’s Road, BN2 1EF

“ The club evokes the old school supper club feel of the 20’s and 30’s but with an up to date vibe.”

Excellent. Assemble yourself an entourage, don a monacle and book a table. Best eat beforehand though, because you should be flicking the food at each other, rather than rolling it around your well-trained pallete. Extra points for gargling with the award-winning cocktails.

Blanche House, 17 Atlingworth Street, BN2 1PL

If you want to wreck a room, there are 12 to choose from. Put it on somebody else’s credit card though, as they range from £100 to £230 a night. Maybe stick to stealing towels. But make sure the staff see you leaving with them. The bar here was a finalist in the Best in Britain competition, so I suggest you straddle it without delay, and try and get the other customers to join in a chorus of ‘Come on Eileen’.

MyHotel, 17 Jubilee Street, BN1 1GE

“where Freddie Mercury meets the Maharishi”

Oh yer? Well how about we give it a temporary makeover – Spinal Tap meets Amy Winehouse? Not only will you get to mingle with the elite here, there’s a good chance you can also ruin their exclusive evening. Send the Cumbrian air-dried ham back to the kitchen, insisting it tastes damp. If your slow roast Sussex lamb doesn’t make it to your table in under ten minutes, turn the table over.

 La Fourchette, 104-105 Western Road, BN1 2AA

Peruse the wine list. Insist on sampling the most expensive choices, at £45 a bottle, the Puligny Montrachet 2006 should do nicely. Declare they all taste like Toilet Duck. Produce four cans of premium lager from your bag. See if you can crack one open before being asked to leave.

Browns, 3-4 Duke Street, BN1 1AH

“Browns has a history of investing in interesting and often historic or listed buildings as premises – with striking features such as high ceilings, panoramic windows and wooden floors all providing focal.”

Do try not to piss up against a period feature now won’t you? From 4pm, Wednesday to Sunday, Browns host Martini nights. After a few of these, you and your entourage should have no trouble getting loud and abusive and easily earn yourself a coveted place on the bans list.

The Japanese Street Festival will transform Bartholomew Square into an authentic Matsuri. But it might be a little too authentic for some…

In trying to replicate the true feel of a Japanese festival a whale is being trucked into the centre of Brighton to provide fresh sashimi. This ties in with the ethos of Slow Food Brighton; fresh local food served in a traditional fashion.

The whale will serve 2,000 hungry punters. Which is just as well as the event, held outside in Bartholomew Square is sure to be well attended.

Protesters are expected but the happy people chowing down on their humpbacks should hopefully serve to justify the rare feast. The whale fishermen, who will accompany the fresh meat, tell me that there are now so many whales in the ocean that it is actually becoming dangerous for boats. Two wrecks a week are attributed to whale-collisions.

The whale’s gut will be removed on the first day of the Japanese Festival and used in the traditional way. Taiko drums will be made from the fresh membrane. This dries over the course of the event, so by the end the drums are ready to be played.

This will be a great event for children and organisers hope that many families come to “blood” their kids on the fresh kill, a traditional good luck totem in the east.

See you there,

Just on the off chance you had not realised all of the above is a work of fiction. It is. I made up the whole thing. Well, not the bit about the Japanese Street Festival, the bit about the Whale. The festival will be marvellous and well worth attending.

Here is an email I received from Karl Jones of Moshi Moshi, just to clarify the difference between truth and lies.

While we appreciate the humor involved, we really do, it’s a little too much.
We are the only restaurant in the UK that serves sushi while carrying a MSC award, this means we only use fish that has been sourced via sustainable fishing.
We also head an international campaign via our Pisces organization solely for the protection of such species as whales. www.pisces-rfr.org.uk 
And whilst I am sure you intend no maliciousness, we ask politely that you take the link down.
It really could damage our environmental work.
 Kind regards, Karl Jones.

So, there you have it. no maliciousness intended. And glad you appreciate the humour.

Sianara

The Hussy profiles Toni Pickles

Toni Pickles, the design force behind Brighton-based bespoke dress and corset designer Get Waisted, takes pride in initiating all of her ideas from scratch and working closely with her client transforming them into a modern day Cinderella.  

Busy Toni is in the middle of producing her first catwalk show for Brighton Frocks fashion weekend kicking off on the 22^nd of May with the Theatrical catwalk show at The Hilton Hotel on Brighton seafront.

This year, I’ll be wearing some of Toni’s beautiful dresses in the show which I have to say happened entirely by accident. My friend was auditioning for Brighton Frocks for fun so I went along for a glass of wine and somehow I managed to get embroiled in the entire event. Trust me I’m not complaining, after all it’s a rare occasion that I get to wear a gorgeous full length gown anywhere = hell, maybe I should start?

 So far this month, I’ve been to a fair amount of rehearsals and dress fittings for the show and although I’m very excited to be taking part, there is also the constant thought in the back of my head that I may well fall over, nose dive into the crowd or walk the length of the catwalk with my skirt tucked into my knickers.

Toni however, is a picture of calm for someone who has so much to do and sew in the next two weeks. So, after my last fitting I asked Toni a few questions to find out what motivates her to work so hard, what keeps her calm under pressure and randomly, what she likes to snack on when she gets a minute or two to relax…..

So Toni tell me……

When did you found ‘Get Waisted’ and what inspired you to do so?

2005 – I have always loved fashion and my first dream job was working on Saville Row. After a long period raising a family and working to pay bills when I moved to Brighton I had the opportunity to rekindle my passion – I think it was being surrounded by the creative passion that typifies Brighton that got me going again.

Tell us about your design background…

I have a fashion and tailoring training rather than a design one. This technical background has stood me in good stead as I have gained experience creating garments for all sorts of people and gaining a practical understanding of what works and what doesn’t.

What is the one thing women want when they come to you for a new frock?

Most people that come to me have a fairly specific idea of what they want. What they all want is something made just for them – which they know will fit, is the right colour and made in the fabric they want. In short there is no need to compromise and they can exercise their right to be an individual. For me, there is no substitute for the look on a new clients face when they try on a new garment for the first time and everything is perfect.

What’s the best thing about taking part in Brighton Frocks this year?

Brighton Frocks goes from strength to strength each year. Now in its’ fifth year it is a perfect vehicle for showcasing the talents of local designers to a wider audience with a professionalism and scale that is hard to match putting on my own shows. With the press, PR and celebrities as well as everyone who is anyone in fashion locally it is just perfect for ‘getting the word out’.

What’s your five-year dream?

I would love to have the opportunity to extend the scope of what I do making my designs and dresses available to a wider audience still. Initially this would be through my own boutique and perhaps eventually extend to a ‘diffusion range’ as well as the one-off items I am currently known for.

What’s your favourite treat? Thai anything – Thom Youm soup in particular

What’s your biggest food sin? M&M’s

Any health vices you’d admit to? – No, my vices are all unhealthy, there’s no point otherwise really is there?

What do you love about your body? Everything (did I mention modesty is a virtue) = actually I do seem to be blessed with good skin

If you could look like someone other than yourself, who would it be? No-one – be comfortable in your own skin

What’s your idea of happiness? Being creative and relaxing in the sun – in Brighton if you are lucky you get to do both at the same time

When are you at your best? Definitely when being creative – designing, sketching and ‘making stuff’

What can’t you live without? Other than said red wine and husband (not saying what order) – it is definitely talking to my family

What are your three desert island essentials? Comb, ‘T – shirt’ and Vaseline (honestly… it is just so useful!)

Describe yourself in three words? Happy, creative, vibrant

To see more from Toni, visit her site www.getwaisted.co.uk  or come along to Brighton Frocks to see her latest collection www.brightonfrocks.com

This is an entry for the Beachdownwriter competition.

To see all of the entries www.thehussy.co.uk/tag/beachdownwriter

Click HERE to see photos of this years event

Get”as bare as you dare”

The Level, Sunday 14th June 12.00 Noon

Follow me for the latest news on the World naked bike ride

The (1000) images above were tagged with “Brighton Naked Bike Ride” on Flickr

Part of the sixth annual World Naked Bike Ride (WNBR), join thousands more internationally in this growing environmental protest and celebration of cycling and the human body. Public nudity at the event is also a powerful symbol of cyclists’ vulnerability on the road, and the empowering experience of safety in numbers. And let’s face it, without the safety in numbers, you would be alone and naked, on a bike which would feel shrivelingly unempowering at best.

The be-naked or see-naked theory states that the vast majority of people enjoy either wearing no clothes or watching other people in that state. The theory contends that bliss can only be obtained by finding enjoyment in both simultaneously. Apparantly it is something to do with yin-yan, left-brain-right-brain stuff. Or something. This event will be a perfect chance to see where you are placed on the be-naked or see-naked spectrum. It’s experimental.

Nick Sayers, co-organiser of the Brighton ride, said: “The economic crisis highlights that we can’t rely on the authorities to do the right thing. It’s time for people to demand concrete action to reduce carbon emissions and make sustainable lifestyles accessible to all. The World Naked Bike Ride is a welcome reminder that you don’t need a big carbon footprint to get around, and you don’t need credit to have a good time.” He continued: “A recession is a good point to re-think the direction we’re going, and alter course accordingly. However, the government’s response has been to bail out the motor industry and encourage cheap credit to fuel consumerism and the purchase of more cars. We think our money should be used to create a useful legacy by improving the infrastructure needed for sustainable transport instead.”

The local MPs for Brighton and Hove are attending the event wearing only the hair-shirts that all Honourable Members will be forced to wear to avoid a sleaze induced revolution.

All rather serious sounding stuff, but it’s also a bit of fun with a carnival atmosphere.  The ride routes offer participants an incredible “naked sightseeing experience” of Brighton and Hove. 

The photographs in the slideshow were all found on Flickr. All were tagged with as “public” and to find out the details of the original photographers, click on the images.

 Visit www.worldnakedbikeride.org/uk  for more information and details of other local rides.

Ever fancied appearing in your very own episode of Footballer’s Wives? No? Then at all costs, never allow inebriation to get the better of you and propel you through the doors of Oceana. Although you won’t get in if you’re wearing trainers.

However, if you like to show off your wares in laminated gold hotpants, twirl you hair extensions round your fake fingernails and have your lipstick tattooed on. Or you buy your smart shirts from Burtons and have your mum iron them whilst you have a pre-going out, pre-drink, drink and spray some Lynx Africa down your trousers. If you enjoy music that features the same three words repeated over and over and over, and at times resembles the monotonous buzz of an electric toothbrush. Then this place will put the schizzzle in your nizzle, and you may well meet your very own footballer, and who knows, become his wife?

Seven themed rooms – experience the world in one night! The Deep Bar is where the adventure begins, think the lost city of Atlanta with a Posh Spice makeover. Hold on to your cut-price drinks though guys, we’ve only just begun.

Villa Tahiti is the next stop. If you’ve checked your coat, you might want to borrow somebody elses. It’s surprisingly chilly in this tropical saloon. Probably because the ‘excellent smoking facilities’ are located to the rear. A penned off area on the King’s Road. The wind chill factor out there would finish off a yeti.

Then why not gather ye bunions, slip your heels back on and totter down to the New York Disco? Or lads, if you’re not quite drunk enough to start strutting your stuff, how about a beer or 16 in the Monte Carlo? Do try and take in the classic art deco, if you’re still capable of focusing.

Met somebody special? Suggest you take a seat in the Parisian Boudoir. The music is ‘french and funky’, that oughta get things going.

If you are unsuccessful in your efforts to secure some sexy time, head to the Reykjavik Icehouse and get that groin a thrustin’ to the booming R&B. Or retreat to the Aspen Ski Lodge and have a good sulk and another 16 beers on a lovely plush sofa. Be careful not to stick to it.

So there we have it. Phew, the world in one night and all for the price of a curry. Just don’t wear trainers. Or leave your drink un-attended.

Oceana, Kingswest, Brighton BN1 2RE

If you only get a chance to go to one open house -which means you must be really-really busy- the The Hussy says go to….

Ben Allen’s House

It is a fucking huge mansion, the likes of which I forgot exist. There are probably still families of Victorian servants living in the house-bowels. Or maybe they have been replaced by eastern Europeans?

Anyway, the art is good, the house is nice and a very nice lady -maybe Mrs Allen?- served me big flappinjack (pictured above)

I did notice that Ben Allen is actually showing at two open houses, so maybe just the one fucking-huge mansion is not enough for him? Maybe he is becoming a property magnate? Is having two houses an Open House cheat? Does he get a second-home allowance for it? All these questions are yet to be answered…

Now heading into its third year Loop returns as a two day event, at Victoria Gardens in central Brighton, in 2009. Bigger than ever the music and digital art festival is spread across specially created performance areas in the heart of Brighton.

Freshly added to the line-up is Fever Ray, a genuinely original, freaky-deaky weirdo rockstar. This unpredictable lady of the dance will join the viking invasion at Loop alongside múm (Iceland), The Field (Sweden), Datarock (Norway), Casiokids (Norway) and Emiliana Torinni (Iceland). Apparently it is the long winter nights that makes them all a bit loopy, or in the case of Iceland the issue is exacerbated by seeing your economy shrivel like a scrotal sack dipped in an icy fjord. I imagine the Icelandic performers will be posting their sterling home and living off dried cod. Maybe. Loop festival is not just about macroeconomic issues and bailing out failed banking systems. It is about art and performance.

Something that sets Loop apart from its muddy-field contemporaries is the location. This festival is in a city, not some namby-pamby farm; so after the site closes down in the day, the event will once again morph into LoopLate which has DJs and live performances at various venues across Brighton until the early hours.

When: Saturday 11th & Sunday 12th July 2009
Where: Victoria Gardens, Brighton (adjacent to Royal Pavilion)
Time: 12.00-22.00

Line-up To Date

Datarock
Emilíana Torrini
Esser
Fanfarlo
Fever Ray
Fujiya & Miyagi
Hatcham Social
James Yuill
Joakim and the Disco
Matthew Herbert Big Band
múm
Plugs
Riton
Samim
Squarepusher
Telepathe
The Glimmers
The Invisible
The Juan Maclean
The Qemists
The Sian Alice Group
The XX
Tunng
We Have Band
Zomby

Tickets:

Tickets are available as part of an overall Loop ticket package from the following Loop and eTickets as well as physical outlets throughout Brighton.
www.loopbrighton.com
Buy Tickets Clickety-Click

Tickets on sale now!
Loop Live Saturday 12.00 – 22.00 – £26.50
Loop Live Sunday 12.00 -19.00 – £16.50
Loop Late 22.00 – 04.00 – £11.50
Loop Live + Loop Late (Saturday Only) – £35
Loop Live 2 day – £40
Loop Live 2 day + Loop Late – £50
Weekend Ticket (All Loop events Including Matthew Herbert) – £65

Tickets are also available separately for the Loop Launch featuring an UK exclusive performance by Matthew Herbert Big Band featuring Eska – £18.50

When my dad found out I was moving to Brighton, he launched an insistent campaign to get me to reconsider. He suggested Worthing, or at a push, Shoreham. Naturally, I ignored him.

 When the deed was done, and my boyfriend of the time and I were firmly ensconced in our first city pad (above a chip shop, oh the glamour) Dad decided to confirm his suspicions and pay us a visit. We planned an evening of gentle, non-threatening activities to ease him onto the scene, a quick drink, a nice meal. Nevertheless, he didn’t take too kindly to the Brighton night life.

Getting ID’d at the first pub didn’t help. Then he sat in the corner clutching his pint and staring at all the people with funny hats and purple hair. For some reason, he found it all a bit un-nerving.

He calmed down a bit when we got to the restaurant. Until that is, my brother spotted two women straddling each other in a parked car just outside the window, and gave us a running commentary of their every action throughout the main course. ‘She’s got her hand down her top now’; ‘the blonde one’s sticking her tongue in the other one’s ear now’.

It was a beautiful family moment, as we sat watching the impromptu floor show over the Thai green curry. My dad was in bed by half past ten that night, with a nice cup of chamomile tea and some rather interesting memories.

Despite my continued efforts to convince him that this town isn’t all about iniquity, vice and dingy streets splattered with vomit, Dad remains firmly convinced that no good can come of living here. He doesn’t quite seem to grasp that informal street theatre, subversive fashion statements, dimly lit venues and breezy freedom are why most people move here.  Not to drop out of society and prematurely end their days shooting up in a bin.

However, if you know somebody of a similar opinion, it’s always a bit of a laugh to take them for a walk on the wild and weird side. Somewhere they are guaranteed to find strange, and probably offensive. Just to see their face. These are a few locations where alternative living, Brighton style, can be observed in all its skewed glory.  

Punktured, 35 Gardner Street, BN1 1UN

Dermal punching, scarification – I don’t know what these procedures entail, or how the end result will look, but the staff at Punktured sure as heck do. They will pierce anything you care to place on the slab. Hence the name, I suppose. Body art is oft misunderstood, so you can hang around outside and watch the freshly punctured customers leave with expressions of satisfaction, or if you’re feeling adventurous, prove your point by having something pierced yourself. 

Tickled, 15 Gardner Street, BN1 1UP

At first glance, this shop looks like the sort of gaff to pick up a slightly cheeky gift. A few friendly looking vibrators peer coquettishly from the shelves, but they are very tastefully packaged. There’s some lovely bath stuff, a range of naughty fridge magnets….venture down to the lower floor however, and your eyes will be straining to take in a huge range of sex toys and accessories, to suit every possibly orifice. A lot less gaudy but definitely more specialised than Ann Summers, and plenty for the daring to get to grips with, and the not-so daring to get the giggles over.

Dragon’s Gate, 13 St James’s St, BN2 1RE

Officially classed as a new age and ethnic store, this is a haven for pagans, witches, warlocks and anybody else who likes to dabble with the mysterious. Shrouded in incense and mystical gloom, it sells ornaments, robes, herbs, text books – I wouldn’t be surprised to see a jar of poisoned dragon’s liver on the counter. You can reach out and touch the occult here. But you might want to wear gloves.

The Marketplace, 7-8 Meeting House Lane, BN1 1HB

‘Drugs paraphernalia step right up and get yer lovely drugs paraphernalia…’ Aimed at students, staffed by people who look like they certainly know what they are taking, sorry, talking about, The Marketplace wouldn’t be entirely out of place in a scene from Harry Potter. Once Harry has turned 18, obviously. It stocks a vast and almost magical range of everything you could possibly need to, well, you know, do your thing.

The Zone, 33 St James’s St, BN2 1RF

Much like live comedy, it’s best to sit at the back when watching a drag queen perform. Anybody within ten feet of the stage tends to become a target. Unfortunately, The Zone is just a bit too small to escape the attention, so best come prepared, and fortify yourself with a few drinks before the act begins. These ladies are here to perform, and probably force some unfortunate audience members to do the same. Cabaret, karaoke and general crudeness, straight up (sort of).

‘cos no-one’s gonna stare…

As we all know, the British don’t like to make eye contact with strangers or sit next to them on trains. Unless of course, they’ve consumed a frothing vat of alcohol, in which case they will hug, kiss, lick, dry hump or assault anybody that happens to enter their blurry line of vision. Does this suggest to anybody else that we are a nation starved of affection, that all we really want to do is reach out and touch somebody, but we’re worried we might catch something? Why is it only through numbing our brains and having our faces go a bit wonky that we can gather the courage to express ourselves? To ask for love? And acceptance? And phone numbers?

I’m getting slightly off the point here. What I actually want to talk about is dancing. Dancing like nobody is watching, or if they are, that they are seriously impressed with what they are seeing. We British not only seem to need large quantities of alcohol to ignore our heritage and give in to our hormones, but also to do anything on the dance floor other than avoid it. However, a few BOGOF shots and suddenly everybody is at it. And everybody thinks they are brilliant at it. Marvellous!

But no matter how much cheap booze is consumed, some of us still struggle to perform. You may have guessed, I am one of these chosen few. Unfortunately, most of the clubs I’ve been to play the sort of music that gets the beautiful people onto the floor, wiggling their hotpant-clad rears like baboons on heat. I normally go home and have a Cup-a-Soup at this point in the evening.

If, like me, you find it difficult to have a good time in an establishment where everybody seems to know what they’re doing, rhythmically speaking, and in fact, the whole place reminds you of the set of a music video shoot, and you know that there is no way you’re cool enough to be there, and maybe you should just give it up, go home and have a good cry….WAIT! There is hope. Those who enjoy soullessly pursuing the next big thing, name-dropping and general showing off will probably sneer and keep moving. Balls to them. The clubs listed below are the ones I’ve found that play the kind of music you can dance exactly how you like to. Regardless of how much you might flail your arms, do the twist or just bounce about like a child on a Haribo high.

The Funky Fish, 19-23 Marine Parade, BN2 1TL

They say it themselves – “We’re not bothered about sexy surroundings, flashy lights, toilet attendants, or dress codes, we just want to have a rocking party with the best possible service we can provide to our customers.”

Amen to that. A solid and thoroughly unpretentious mix of soul, funk, jazz and Motown, will strip away your inhibitions and insist you take to the floor. No strobe lights, no shiny surfaces – a space for those who choose substance over style.

Casablanca Jazz Club, 3 Middle Street, BN1 1A

Head downstairs for live bands and fizzing latino, upstairs for jazz, funk, disco and soul. Again, the interior décor really doesn’t matter, as it can never truly compensate for atmosphere. You won’t have to worry about spilling a drink and ruining something plush, I reckon Casablanca last had a re-fit in 1973. A laid-back bunch of people normally congregate on both floors, so feel free to dance like your uncle at a family party. Hey, they might just join you.

Legends Bar & The Basement Club, 31-34 Marine Parade, BN2 1TR

Open till 4 and free entry for all, if that alone doesn’t tempt you, the playlist is stuffed with guilty pop pleasures. Except there is nothing to feel guilty about, you hear me? If you don’t have a handbag to dance around, somebody is sure to lend you theirs.  Pull whatever moves you please, the music demands it.

The Engine Room, 5 Preston Street, BN1 2HX

Stumble down the spiral staircase and immerse yourself in a basement world of alternative tunes. Goth, metal, glam rock – if you like the dark and heavy side then this is where you can mosh it all up without a care in the world. Bring eyeliner. 

Revenge, 32 Old Steine, BN1 1EL

Revenge is one of those places where it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing or who you’re holding hands with. So is anybody really going to give a flying fish how you dance? Stick to level 1 for a rich choice of pop that will have you weeping with nostalgia, or up to level 2 if hardcore house and trance is more your thang. As long as you don’t flinch at the thought of unisex toilets, it’s almost impossible to feel self-conscious here.

Sunday Roast in Brighton

On a typical Sunday, a typical Brightonian will be nursing a hangover head, lying in front of the three-hour-long Hollyoakes omnibus for the best part of the morning and using all remaining brain cells to work out where on earth to go for a traditional Sunday roast.

 We have many, many wonderful pubs in Brighton, it’s true, but there is nothing more disappointing than a roast dinner menu that is just not up to scratch or a kitchen that closes before you’ve even managed to get out the shower.

Too fancy, too rushed, no Yorkshire pudding with your beef (seriously, what are they thinking?), no crackling with your pork (yes, I’ve actually experienced this anomaly) or simply no vegetarian option on the menu which rules out half of your friends.

So, in a concerted effort to put a stop to the tedious-ness of searching for the perfect Sunday roast and actually having to make a decision about something when you should really be resting, The Hussy has put together the top five, best value, no frills roast dinner’s, just like your mum used to make 

Here we go then, in no particular order:

Blenio

Blenio on Seven Dials, is a modern-European bistro with a bit of a French slant. The staff are welcoming, and nothing is too much trouble for them to organise, they actually really go out of their way to make sure everything is perfect. Traditional roasts of Chicken, Pork or Beef with all the trimmings are served all day Sunday in a really quiet quaint setting.

With white tiled tables, duck egg blue paint and fresh fruit, vegetables and herbs spilling out of the décor, everything here is designed to make you feel like you’re in the South of France.

There is even a beautiful mediterranean-style courtyard which catches the sun at just the right time in the afternoon. The council, otherwise known as the fun police, won’t let you eat out there mind, but it is the perfect spot for a cigarette and a glass of rosé after your perfect roast.

Reservations in advance strongly recommended:

http://www.bleniobistro.com/
01273 220 220

Hove Place

Just tucked away off of First Avenue in Hove, The Hove Place pub swiftly serves a no frills roast with a great selection of vegetables and possibly the best gravy I’ve ever had.

 Because Hove Place is such a hidden spot it never gets overly busy on a Sunday so you are pretty much always guaranteed to get a nice table, which is exactly what you need if your head is pounding from the night before.

 All traditional roasts are served up until 8pm every Sunday, with good menu options for vegetarians to choose from too, all for under a tenner.

The gorgeous Italian gardens out the back are without a doubt the best feature of the pub catching the afternoon sunshine over lunch, and then gently heated in the evening as the sun starts to set 

For more information go here:

http://www.goldenliongroup.co.uk/Hove-Place.html

Or call this number: 01273 738 266

The Earth and Stars

Organic pub the Earth and Stars is situated in the heart of Brighton on Windsor Street. With no outside area apart from a terrace for smokers, this pub is the perfect place to wind down and cosy up for the evening.

Served throught the day, the Sunday roast menu carries all the traditional options, each with there own interesting twist. Honey and chilli glazed chicken, Slow roasted pork belly and lamb which has been marinated for 24 hrs. The portions are good too as they promise a selection of seven different vegetables with each meal.

Being an organic pub, the veggies among us are well catered for, with a well thought out menu to choose from.

The pub does get realy busy though, so it’s probably best to give them a call and reserve a table in advance.

Give them a call on this number: 01273 722 879

The Shakespeare’s Head

A local gem and set just behind Brighton train station towards Seven Dials, The Shakespeare’s Head has a range of interesting beers on tap and is covered with lovely fairy lights. A great fun atmosphere in here with friendly staff and good music.

Although The Shakespeare’s Head specialty is sausage and mash with ten different types of locally produced sausages, their Sunday roast is pretty darn good too, offering big portions, good roast potatoes and a great veggie option.

The nice set of picnic tables outside the front of the pub is the place to sit and people watch and stay out late drinking Leffe in the evening. It’s home from home.

This place is a local’s haven and very popular on a Sunday. Give them a bell to see if you can get a table first. 01273 329 444

The Sussex Yeoman

The Sussex Yeoman is a little pricier than your average roast, but well worth the money – this is food that has been made with love. Not many people know about this place as it’s just off the beaten track, but that doesn’t stop it being packed out when it comes to Sunday lunchtime.

The pub itself is tiny, pulling off the right balance of intimate but not over crowded. Just make sure you get here early if you want a table, plus bear in mind that they stop taking food orders a little earlier than the rest of the pubs listed above – so it’s best to ring and check before you head on over.

The roast is done to perfection everytime and the standard of food here is better than most more expensive restaurants.

If the Sussex Yeoman is calling you, then call them on 01273 327 985 to see how busy they are.

Written by Sarah L Sharp

Well known for its somewhat colourful and eclectic culture, catalogues of forward thinking boutiques in the North Laines and endless lists of talented, creative designers, the city of Brighton has become established as the epicenter of diverse fashion.

For this very reason, Brighton Frocks annual fashion weekend was born out of a burning desire to celebrate and recognise this city’s extreme sense of style.

Now in its fifth year running, we see our favourite local designers getting ready once more to take part in what can only be described as the South coast fashion fiesta of the year,

Taking place at the Hilton Brighton Metropole on the Friday 22^nd May, the Theatrical Catwalk Show is the hottest Brighton Frocks main event, and this year promises to be the most lavish show to-date.

And as if that wasn’t enough, to finish the weekend in true stylish form and  mark the conclusion of the Fringe festival, Brighton Frocks Fashion Emporium will be opening its doors for keen fashionistas everywhere at the Metropole all day Saturday and Sunday (24^th & 25^th). 

Picture a ‘Fashion Wonderland’ including makeover areas, live models a Red Bull relaxation lounge, The Emporium catwalk show, fashion installations and capping it all off with an after-party that’ll knock your new socks off, and guess what, we’re all invited. 

Interested? Yeah you are… ‘So, who’s who?’ I hear you cry…

Get Waisted

Saville Row-trained bespoke corset and dress maker Toni Pickles, is the founder and inspiration behind Get Waisted http://www.getwaisted.co.uk/index.php?pageid=65 based in Brighton.Toni builds all her creations from scratch and works closely with her clients who keep her inspired.

Get Waisted will be taking part in Brighton Frocks theatrical catwalk show for the first very time this year and it’s all about femininity and curves. 

I am lucky enough to be one of Toni’s selected models for the show so a couple of weeks ago I went along to meet her and have my dress fitting.

After looking at her website, I was half expecting Toni to approach me with a magical wand and some fairy-dust that would transform me from work clothing to ball gown in a matter of seconds – almost.

I was stripped of my office attire, measured with a measuring tape and squeezed into beautiful corsets within an inch of my last breath – crunch those ribs in, push those breasts up, jut those hips out.

All those handmade-layered skirts, all that sumptuous fabric, all those sparkly beads – now, where did I park my horse-drawn carriage? 

Toni Pickles
07947497342 / 01273 779978
toni@getwaisted.co.uk
www.getwaisted.co.uk:

Suzie Turner

Brightonian Suzie Turner trained with a pattern cutter from the age of 15. Specialising in deconstructing antique couture, Suzie took the opportunity to build her made to measure reputation alongside learning her craft.

Using the client as her muse and maintaining the traditional ethos of handmade couture, Suzie fits and cuts patterns personally onsite at her Brighton studio, using her team to assist with the exquisite beadwork and samples of her designs.

Suzie’s clients include everyone from brides to actresses and models such as Kelly Brook. The one thing they all have in common is that they appreciate Suzie’s attention to fine detail.

In her words, Suzie believes that “Making a beautiful garment should be an event to be relished not stressed over.” 

www.suzieturner.co.uk

Joanne Fleming

Situated in Brighton’s North Laines, Joanne Fleming specialises in bespoke bridal and evening gowns for those one off occasions that require an extra bit of sparkle.

Using luxurious and rich fabrics, Joanne creates a veritable melting pot of designs for her clients ranging from those with classical clean lines to those with a show-stopping wow factor.

At Brighton Frocks 2009, Joanne will be previewing her new eveningwear collection ‘Sidonie’, drawing from the demi-monde of 1920s Paris and London.

joanneflemingdesign@yahoo.com
www.joanneflemingdesign.com 

25 Vine St, Brighton
01273 602371

Ailsa & Ailsa

Working without the confines of seasonal trends, Ailsa & Ailsa was founded on the belief that fashion is an art form, to be admired, appreciated and studied.

Inspired by time spent across many, many continents, Ailsa & Ailsa’s artistic vision integrates perfect detailing, unusual textures and vibrant colours.

Using a unique mixture of silks, vintage leather, linens, vintage kimonos and antique crochet, Ailsa reflects her cultural design influences in her collection.

Ailsa & Ailsa creations are specifically crafted for confident individuals who are happy being the centre of attention.

 Ailsa Rollo
ailsa.rollo@hotmail.com

Alan Rowe

Working as an illustrator, designer and stylist for high end magazines and labels across Europe, Alan Rowe is the co-founder and inspiration behind bespoke denim label Epoc, which uses high-grade Japanese denim to create its pieces.

Now, Brighton Frocks 2009 will be showcasing “Eternal Ingénue”, Rowe’s premier collection of Schnitt, day and evening wear.

 ”Eternal Ingénue” draws on references to Victoriana and 1960’s skinhead fashion to create strong, striking and unforgettable visuals.

schnittbyalanrowe@ymail.com

Gresham Blake

A contemporary tailor, Gresham Blake is widely recognised as having an eccentric flare expressed in all his pieces, ranging from vibrantly coloured suit linings, to ties, cravats and get noticed cufflinks.

A celebrity favourite, Gresham Blake’s Brighton and Mayfair fitting room has tailored for the likes of Christian Slater, Fat Boy Slim and Davina McCall. 

30 Bond Street, Brighton
01273 622531
www.greshamblake.com

Jessy.Lou.

Jessica Louise Good is the creative mastermind behind Jessy.Lou, a young and incisive label designed for girly girls.

Jessy Lou’s signature style features quirky, original pieces which are all about being feminine and frivolous.
At Brighton Frocks, Jessy.Lou will be presenting a collection combining playful, novel designs with bold prints including bright florals, polka dots and stripes.

Jessy-louise_design@live.co.uk

Paola Galelli

Paola Galelli’s final graduate collection for 2009 is entitled ‘Shaken and Stirred’.

The all dress collection explores and reinvents the original cocktail gown watching it transform from traditional into the ultimate party dress.

With a colour pallette inspired by the cocktails themselves, expect a menu of flirtatious pieces good enough to eat.

pgalelli@hotmail.co.uk
www.fashionspace.com/PaolaGalelli

Renaissance

Renaissance is all about creating exclusive and bespoke pieces for bridal and special occasions from it’s central Brighton studio.

Strong theatrical influences come through in all the pieces which combine contemparary structure with baroque-inspired beading and heavy draping.

Renaissance have recently appeared in ‘Brides’ magazine, ‘You and Your Wedding’ and on T4’s ‘Frock Me’. 

Kevin@renaissancecreativedesign.com
www.renaissancecreativedesign.com

Sarina Poppy

Costume design graduate Sarina Poppy uses Swarovski crystals, rich silks and pure wools, vintage, reused and recycled fabrics throughout her collection to create a fusion of period costume and edgy fashion. 

Influenced by both art and theatre Sarina Poppy pieces are inspired by induviduality and a non-conformist attitude.

www.myspace.com/sarinapoppy
www.sarinapoppy.co.uk (under construction)
sarinapoppy@yahoo.co.uk

LipopLondon

Now based in London, Brighton bred Tom Lipop is using his showcase at Brighton Frocks to launch his debut Menswear collection, entitled ‘Battle of the Sardines’, inspired by his chaotic London lifestyle.

Tom has a BA Hons in Fashion and Textiles specialising in Menswear, and holds a senior design position at House Of Holland.

www.lipoplondon.com under construction
3-11 westland place studios,
4th floor, London, N1 7LP
tomlipop@hotmail.com

Verity Lamb

Verity Lamb’s ‘Splish Splash’ fun beachwear collection takes 1950’s inspired shapes and douses them in 1980’s geometric print.

All her fun and flirty pieces celebrate the female form, from curvy to slender, bringing a touch of glamour back to traditional swimwear. 

www.splishsplashbeachwear.com
info@splishsplashbeachwear.com
lambchopss@hotmail.co.uk

For more information or to book tickets for Brighton Frocks 2009, please visit: www.brightonfrocks.com

 This is an entry for the Beachdownwriter competition, the entry that receives the most visits will be the winner. See www.thehussy.co.uk/tag/beachdownwriter for all entries.

Written by Sarah L Sharp

It’s inevitable. One minute you two are dawdling over dessert in an intimate restaurant setting, exchanging loving banter over what to call your first cat / car/ child. The next, you’re having to ask the waiter to remove any leftover cutlery from the table, as an idle remark from your partner has filled you with such terrible rage that jamming a fork up their nostril is becoming increasingly tempting.

Arguments are a natural part of the proceedings when two people have strong feelings for each other. So it’s important to choose your venue with care.  You don’t want to get so carried away that you end up with an ASBO and a life-long ban from Pizza Express. However, you also don’t want to have to repress the resentment until you get home. That could lead to heartburn. Similarly, if you only ever kick off behind closed doors, it can result in significant damage to a piece of furniture you really rather like. In addition, for a truly successful argument, you need a few key elements which are difficult to obtain at home:

- Enough space to speak in raised voices without the intimate nature of your discussion being available for everyone else to enjoy.

- Members of the public present at a suitable distance. As long as you are even slightly socially conscious, this can ensure that things don’t get entirely out of control. Bystanders can also be dragged in to mediate, should the need arise.

- Distractions. For those long and terrible silences, which often occur after a particularly cutting remark or outrageous statement. You need something interesting to stare at as you blink back the tears. Curtains don’t really cut it.

Where can you guarantee that all of the above will be available? Well, there is a reason people are always being asked to ‘take it outside’. Brighton and Hove has 98 parks and public open spaces. In any one of these you can sit and squabble, walk and squabble, bang your head against a tree or sulk on a bench.

Hopefully, you will find all you need to make that row a memorable one at the following outdoor venues. Happy harping!

Royal Pavilion Gardens , BN1 1EE

Defuse the tension by ruminating on the splendour of the Pavilion. Or have it cranked up a notch by a toddler stamping through your picnic, this place is very popular with young families, which means you will probably have to keep swearing to a minimum. Use your words.

Rookery Rock Garden, opp. Preston Park, BN1 6HN

A visit in the early evening almost guarantees you privacy – climb right to the top to see across Brighton, and your future as a couple. There is also the option of pushing an unreasonable lover into the ornamental pond.

Queen’s Park, South Avenue, BN2 0BP

There’s a hell of a duck pond located here, where you can either choose to feed the inhabitants, or throw the stale bread at your sparring partner. If your rage cannot be expressed in mere words, you could always thrash it out on one of the four tennis courts.

The Level, Ditchling Road, BN1

Always lots of activity taking place at the Level; juggling, skate boarding, drug dealing. This can provide  that much-needed distraction, when you’ve come to a temporary halt in proceedings, and staring at your feet seems too defeatist.

Stanmer Park, BN1 9QA

Easily accessible thanks to bus 78, which leaves from the Old Steine, you can stamp across 200 hectares of distinctive Sussex countryside. Dramatic and sweeping – perfect for a monumental domestic.

Next week –

the best places in Brighton to feel fat and happy

This is an entry for the Beachdownwriter Competition.

See all of the entries here

For the Festival www.beachdownfestival.com

Martin Schreiber, Nude Madonna

Madonna Nudes – 12 best

“I’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
‘Cuz everyone knows that’s how you get famous”

…well it worked for Madonna

Madonna  nude in Brighton. Well not really, but she has been nude lots of other times.

Recently, photographs of Madge’s Vad sold for $37,500 dollars. The photos were taken in 1978 by Lee Friedlander, but just gathered dust in a large porn-pile. Her fame in 1985 was sufficient to see them published in Playboy. She also found time to get naked for Bill stone in 1978; Penthouse published these images in 1985.

Bill Stone

Martin Screiber took the Impure images in 1979, when Madge was a year older and a year wiser. By this time she had lerned that for $25 dollars you keep your legs closed. She had also reached a level of professionalism whereby live animals could safely be incorporated into a photoshoot. These shots found their way into main-stream porn in 1986.

Martin Schneider, 1979

I note in passing the natural, unmanaged pubic hair in these images. It has been commented – by people that really have no idea what they are talking about - that the modern trend for depilatory styles will lead to future generations becoming naturally hairless through genetic inheritance.

Friedlander

Martin Schreiber, Nude Madonna

Helmut Newton

Helmut Newton, Madonna Nude

www.madonnashots.com has every photo ever taken of dear old Madge.

The exhibition is on at the Impure gallery throughout May www.impureart.com

Pecha Kucha is coming to Brighton

speaker-head-by-Gregor-Timlin

If you already know what Pecha Kucha is then the only info you need is…

Brighton PechaKucha #1, Red Roasters-Kemptown: 7.30pm

For everybody else…

If you ask most creative people to talk about themselves/their-work you will get lots of gesticulating motions and enthusiasm and it may take some time. Creatives don’t do boundaries; that is why they are creative, that can also be why they aren’t always good presenters. The format of Pecha Kucha puts edges onto thought spirals.

The 20:20 format…?

Each presentation comprises 20 slides; each one is viewed for 20 seconds. Total time; six-and-a-bit minutes. Difficult for that to become ethereal arty spirals.

The Presenters…

There is a mix of artists, performers, architects, designers (The above image is by one of the nights presenters). The founder of Pecha Kucha was an architect so the events can be over-represented in that area. But we all need houses, don’t we?

Will it catch on…?

It is already in at least a million countries (see www.pecha-kucha.org  for the full list)

Is Brighton big enough to support it…?

Well, this town is nothing if not fond of showing off. Standing in front of a crowd exposing yourself in 20 second bursts, perfect. Matched.

Can I go…?

Yes you can, but it will definitely sell out so be early, or at least punctual.

Brighton Artists Open Houses 2009

May is festival month in Brighton. The Brighton Fringe, Brighton Festival and Artists Open Houses (AOH) all vie for our attentions/monies.

The two festivals comprise the stuff you see all year, just concertinaed into one-twelfth the time frame. The only difference is that in May it is more difficult to get tickets. The AOH stands out as a truly original because it only happens in May and it only happens in Brighton.

There are two stand-out features of the Artists Open Houses; the artists and the houses. Each one of these is worthy of a couple of weekends of your time.

The Artists

AOH is a truly democratic affair, anybody who wants to can open their home up as a gallery to display their work and share in the publicity of the event. One hundred thousand brochures will draw the art-lovers to your door. The unique thing about it is that it is a truly democratic affair. There is no selection or censorship. This leads to the most-mixed up of mixed-bags imaginable. The cutting edge of enfant terrible art shares gallery space with the spawnings of old women’s pottery classes. The prices reflect the mix; some work is priced as “I am an arist” with the associated tags other is more reasonably at the placed at the “it took me three hours to make, so I’ll sell it for 20 quid” end of the market.

But the variety is the spiciness of it all. You don’t know what will be inside any house. Inside any house, you don’t know what may be inside any room. Nice people earnestly create all of it, and that is to be celebrated. Even if it is a coil pot. Or a holiday photograph from India (or other back-packery semi-adventurous destination)

The Houses

This is why it is doubly, uniquely fun. You can see inside other people’s houses. Spend half the time discussing art, half talking décor. Enjoy a leisurely stroll around the homes that you will never be able to call home. Granted, as this is Brighton many of the houses are fashionably, mediocrily, contemporarily predictable. But to get to snoop around as many homes as you can during May, you would need to annoy a lot of estate agents at any other time of year.

The AOH is on for every weekend in May. In the next  few weeks there will be enough brochures floating around to re-build an ancient woodland, so pick one up and plan your route. The five trails can individually be covered thoroughly in one day. The brochure will give you almost no information of use beyond the address. The verbiage will flit between flat and flowery and it will only include one preview image. So the only way to do it properly is to traipse, dip randomly, view, whisper and say what you really think on the way to next house.

Have fun.

The Hussy will be previewing selected artists in the arts pages

So Get Ready for

Brighton Fringe Festival 2009

Just one of the great things we have to look forward to here during the start of the summer is The Brighton Fringe Festival – a modern mixture of open air theatre, live music, comedy, and cabaret and book readings.

Talented artistes from all over the world come to Brighton for the month of May to celebrate well, the arts and being in Brighton.

The windowsills of the local cafe’s and bars are already filling up with the guides of what’s on and where.  So roll up, roll up folks, get your tickets here and jam pack your diaries - there are some things you just won’t want to miss.

The hot picks for 2009 are listed here so clickety-click you way over.

 The list will keep growing, so come back.

Reviews will be added during the festival.

To book tickets for any of the performances listed above and to read about many more, please visit http://www.brightonfestivalfringe.org.uk/.

Written and selected by Sarah L Sharp

Lily Allen

Lily the songstress talks with Allen the twitterer.

Lily: You’re losing control a bit and it’s really distasteful 

Allen:Ok I’m going to bake a cake

Lily: You waste my time and waste my money

Allen: Oh well better than a poke in the eye with a shitty stick.

Lilly:Are you a weapon of massive consumption?

Allen: I just had breakfast, and my next meal will be …………. Breakfast, go figure

Allen: I’m so hungry, I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck.

Allen: the restaurant is yum

Lily: Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very very much
Cause we hate what you do and we hate your whole crew
So please don’t stay in touch
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very very much
Cause your words don’t translate and it’s getting quite late
So please don’t stay in touch

If it hasn’t been lyricised it has been tweeted. Good old Lily is just soooo down to earth. Oh I so hate being a celebrity. I am going to include my fans in minutiae and more. I am with you sister, if only i was’t so famous we could hang together.

Lily and Allen are both playing at the Brighton Dome tonight Friday 20th March. but as the whole concert will be twitted to you anyway you can save your money.

Pete Doherty

Pete seems a happy chappy, and is a shining example of how live life for the here and now. Very Zen.

Super models, heroine, rock’n'roll.

Make sure you see him, you don’t want to be putting this one off till next time. You never know when he is going to choke on his own vomit/moss.

Clicket-for-a-Ticket

Pete Doherty plays at the Brighton Dome Concert Hall 19th March 2009

You can’t move in Brighton without tripping over a happy-snapping-photograher. The result of this? I was recently flicking through flickr when I searched for images tagged with Brighton. The result is over half a million photographs. Here they are in a slideshow. If you want to look at all of them I calculate that at one-second per view it will take you…..SIX DAYS! Please let me know if you manage this marathon. If you pop out the player (button at bottom right) it makes an interesting screensaver.

If my attempt at embedding this slideshow turn to custard, just go here..

http://www.flickr.com/search/show/?q=brighton&ss=2&ct=6

It is obviously impossible to credit each photographer here, but their details appear if you click on the image, you can then find them on www.flickr.com to see their details.

Dirty Stop Out

‘Cuntro Classics Volume 1′

As the play on words in the title suggests, Volume 1 in a succession of similar releases is a brazen, filthy, fuck-mouth dollop of psycho billy, country punk and rock’n'roll. Comprising seven tracks, Volume 1 is hosted by three whip-ass collaborators who make up the bases of Dirty Stop Out: bastion of high-end lingerie and founder of Agent Provocateur, Joe Corre; ‘Filthy’ Luca Mainardi; and Mick Jones of The Clash. Sure, dab the sweat from your brow, but that ain’t half of it.

Seemingly following in his parent’s footstep’s, Corre’s dealings in music comes as testament – albeit it both quite sweet and rather bent at the same time – to Malcolm McClaren and Vivienne Westwood’s associations with The Sex Pistols. Dirty Stop Out aren’t just punk, though: they’re fuck punk. With a little help from their friends (that’s Bobby Gillespie, Les Rita Mitsuko and Nina Hagen to me and you…), Dirty Stop Out’s first offering in the sound stakes is high octane, tongues (and tits) out catharsis. A bag of goodies in every way, the suspense for Volume 2 is killin’ me…

Available now on Agent Provocateur Entertainment

www.agentprovocateur.com

by Plum Woodard

Sex/Domestic Slaves

That I Have Known

Letiticia (Image by Manel Ortega)

Everyone knows the bit in the excellent movie ‘Personal Services’ where a triumvirate of elderly gardeners ask the character played by Julie Walters (Cynthia Payne of luncheon voucher fame) how much the fee would be to tend to her ‘vegetable patch’ (crikey missus !!). She responds somewhat confused and perturbed, by virtue of the fact that she thought they would be doing it for nothing—out of the goodness of their heart so to speak. She need not have worried, for they felt such honour to serve, that they wanted to pay HER for the privilege.

Nice work if you can get it, especially if you cannot get the staff.

Unfortunately, life does not always imitate art, at least, not in MY experience.

Let us take the: would- be domestic slave who rings (’the premiere erotic service provider’) with the offer to ‘do all the jobs you don’t like to do’. This is so utter bollocks it is like Mr Hitler suggesting he pop over to Poland for a ‘chat and a nice cup of tea’. Once the Trojan horse with his mop and cleaning equipment is parked up nice and cosy in the town square, the REAL agenda begins.

They do not want to, ’serve Madame’ at all, they just want to be a bleedin’ nuisance all day long, they do not want to pay the going rate for Madame’s time, and they do not deliver the ‘domestic slave’ goods.

 the whole point in HAVING a slave, sexual or otherwise was to a have what you want when YOU want it

A case in point was an erstwhile ’slave’ from Portsmouth (or was it Southampton?) who demanded to be allowed to serve me, and ‘anybody else you know’.

‘OK pal’ I thought, and he duly arrived with his own chamois leather, set of dusters and bucket. ‘You can start by cleaning those windows’ I barked. He was useless, (as in peering dolefully inside at yours truly) and to make matters (and my windows) worse, within 2 hours of him having departed—- it chuffing well rained.

The very next day, I rang said ’slave’ to mention the precipitation, and explained that my windows needed a right going over (again).

It appeared that this was none too convenient for ‘his nibbs’…so I said: ‘Well, in that case, send me £20 so that I can fire you!!’

I thought the whole point in HAVING a slave, sexual or otherwise was to a have what you want when YOU want it. The would be slaves seem to turn this quaint notion on its head.

The sight of a 12 inch ’strap on’ is a great leveller  

Many moons ago, when, amongst other things, I joined a dating agency as research, (honest guv) for my book Body Worship,

one bright spark decided that he would like to be my ‘beck and call’ boy…..as in, any time I wanted a right seeing to, he demanded to be just the lad to do it. The problems arose when I actually decided to take him up on his fine offer. He was never available. Terms and conditions are ALWAYS written in minuscule print, and for these ‘likely lads’ it should read: ‘Give me one month’s notice so that I can explain my absence to the wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/lager lout mates/’et al.

It is not as if I have demanded to treat blokes this way, their request has always been taken at face value, especially, if they were paying for this ‘Jill of all trades and Mistress of very few!!

Take the guy who demanded to be ‘used as a door mat’. I literally walked over him with my stilettos, beat him, gave him a liberal pasting with a very stiff brush, rolled him up and shoved him in the cupboard. He was not best pleased. Nor was the gentleman who, being ‘bi-curious’ wanted to know what it felt like to ‘get f*cked’.

The sight of a 12 inch ’strap on’ is a great leveller and the role play was abandoned before it had begun.

‘But I thought that was what you WANTED’ I cried in exasperation. His reply was that it was: ‘A bit too real’

I finally gave up on the ‘Let me pay you money so you can use and abuse me’ shtick, when the guy who made it to page 189/190 in my Body Worship book (oh, come ON, I have to plug it a much as I can!) gave such a perfunctory performance of cleaning my windows at 10.30 in the evening, that for his sins, I decided he should ‘clean the bird-shit off of the patio’ of my (then) neighbours Ken and Harry.

 They have ever since christened him: ‘the Oxo gravy man’…because of his physical appearance (bald head and moustache).

Oh yes, we are not talking ‘Butlers in the Buff’ here, we are talking ‘Mr Bean meets a warthog 

That is why I do not understand the reticence on their part, for a task which they have assiduously applied for!!

I’m tellin’ ya, YOU CANNOT GET THE STAFF.

Letitcia

Author of: Body Worship (True stories of a Sex Goddess)

www.brightonbodyworship.com/book

Photo by Manel Ortega see more on Flickr

Eternal Light Tour 2009

To begin with, I should just make it absolutely clear – I know nothing about dance.

My personal involvement doesn’t go much beyond bad disco and my frame of reference for dance-as-an-art-form stretches from the aspirational saccharine of Billy Elliot to the leather trousered, clog-hopping, dwarf of River Dance. So if you want to read a knowledge-based review of this evening I suggest you go here or here.

If you are still with me at this point then you share my finely balanced traits of curiosity and ignorance, so welcome aboard and read on.

I had time to snatch a few words from the programmes before the lights downed and the curtain upped.  This background research was all I had to go on for the first act. So the key phrases of The Raft of Medusa and ideas about Rapture were to be my guides for the evening. The Raft of Medusa was a giant surfboard on which 150 semi-clad Frenchmen cannibalised themselves. This was going to be interesting.

Eternal Light: A Requiem

I kind of got the raft formation of the dancers so was happy to go with the metaphor. OK, so first thoughts after heaping praise upon myself for getting the raft-thing – they didn’t all seem to be moving in time. The pussycat dolls may not have much classicism under their basques but when they writhe, they writhe as one. Then the raft formation broke up. Remember in primary school PE music and movement lessons? Well it was a bit like that with elements of Dead Head look-at-me-I-am-a-free-spirit-ism thrown in there.

Everybody off stage, all change.

When the next erm…act? scene? movement? began, I noticed the music. Up until this point I had been so busy trying to analyse something that was far beyond my understanding that I hadn’t even registered that there was any music. Suddenly everything was transformed. From this moment, some primal quarter of my brain took over.

Latin chanting and half remembered poems dragged up stuff I can’t describe from places I dare not go. Twelve crucifixes were lowered over the stage. Here was a trick learnt from masters, Madonna, Metallica, Ozzy Osbourne all new the power of this stuff. “In Flanders fields the poppies blow, between the crosses row on row” overlaid with “Dies Irae”. Bloody hell! Literally. Judgement Day. This would have little Billy Elliot pissing in his pants. Doom laden death ballet. Or was it full of hope? That probably depends on your glass half-full, half-empty status. And anyway it’s a yin-yang thing.

More of the same up until the interval; which isn’t a bad thing – coz I was loving it.

Two Solos as a Tribute to Norman Morrice & See Me

Part two was good, but not as good. The resonant chanting of penitents was replaced with the yeah, yeah, whatever music I expected. The lighting made me think of the scene in Face/Off with Nicholas Cage totally out acting John Travolta. As I thought this I realised that I was no longer in The Zone. I started to notice that the dancers’ footsteps were very loud on the stage – which was very shiny.

During the second interval, I debated with myself as to wether I should go/stay.

I was distracted from my inner arguments by three plums in shiny suits standing next to me at the bar. They were debating the quality of the dancers and Rory – a fat goggle eyed twat – announced that he would “do” the second girl from the left.

I stayed. I wish I hadn’t.

Carnival of the Animals

The third part was carnival of the animals. To my layman’s eyes/ears it was plinky-plonky music that was intended to sound like an animal accompanying a dance that represented said animal. Some retrospective googling proved this guess to be fairly accurate. It was the Lion King without the costumes or music. I am sure Fat Rory got off on seeing his favourite dancer portraying flirtatious chicken. But I didn’t get it. The backdrop portrayed Henri Rousseau in one of his jungles and I could hear him thinking, “my paintings of animals are childlike and unrealistic, but this takes le biscuit” Well-said Henri.

The Rambert Dance Company’s press officer agent told me that three parts of the production was like a box of chocolates. I like the metaphor; I will stretch it beyond its elastic limit.

To begin with I picked out an orgasmic liquor. I bit into it tentatively and was pleasantly surprised as liquid seductively ran all over my tongue before warming my throat. The vapours infused my mind leaving me feeling light-headed. Part two was a strawberry cream. The finale was that hard caramel that gets thrown way with the packaging.

 When: 04/03/2009

Where: Theatre Royal Brighton

For more info www.rambert.org.uk

Charity may begin at home but it is becoming impossible to keep it out of my home. It is seeping out through my television, computer and radio.

The Comic Relief – Red Nose Climb http://www.rednoseday.com/climb sums it all up. It’s got middling celebrities earnestly saving the world by attempting a death-defying feat neatly packed, wrapped and distributed by an all outlet media sell.

In the name of selfless benevolence ten top names are humbly exposing themselves to me. They have laid themselves bare; this is not about them, this is for charity. Naked and exposed they plead for me to help them to help others. What they don’t realise as they kneel before me palm raised for alms is that with the other and they are subconsciously fiddling with themselves. Chris Moyles, Fearne Cotton and the gang line themselves up before me – pleading and rubbing, grovelling and stroking. The carefully constructed humbleness of the pose fails to disguise the tumescence of the ego – pumped up with self-love.

Don’t misunderstand me; I want to see good causes honoured. I have devised a method that will see them receive more money, without the need for celebrities to use African babies for their own personal gratification.

Firstly you have the hype-hype-hype of the mission’s danger. Training in hyperbaric chambers, killer temperatures off the scale altitudes. Ten thousand people each year summit on Kilimanjaro, I am pretty certain that as most climbers are on either a Gap year or a midlife crisis things to do before you die trip, they probably didn’t have access to hyperbaric chambers. Granted a few of them die. But if 10,000 people were to engage in that other fundraising standard – sitting in a tub of baked beans – the death toll would be similar.

But every morning on Radio1 I have been told about the death dicing these slebs are about to engage in to save the world. And saving the world is what they actually claim to be doing. They are not saving lives they are going for a stroll up a (big) hill. The people giving money are saving lives.

So, cut out the egotising, self-publicising, world-savers. Just ask Joey Public to donate to save lives. The immediate benefit of this would be to save on twenty first class return airfares to Tanzania, hotels and climbing equipment. That saves one hundred thousand lives straight away.

I am not stupid. I know. You need the hype to get the public hysterical enough to donate money. No celebrities risking lives/limbs – no money.

So here is the really clever plan. Don’t climb the mountain; don’t fluff the already erect celebritegos. Don’t broadcast anything. Easy. Switch off all transmissions. No slebs doing the rounds on chat shows, no newspaper articles, no radio promotion.

The BBC costs 118 million per day to run. Last year, Comic Relief raised 67 million. So if every time a Comic Relief related event/promo/hype was scheduled to be broadcast; it wasn’t.  In its place nothing was broadcast. Silence. All transmitters were switched off. All BBC staff went to get a coffee. The money saved could become the money gained.

Faultless logic. World saved. Job done.

You can read the usual blah-blah press release here in the London Paper

Here is a video offering advice on planning an expedition to climb Kilimanjaro.

Five places to see before they are changed forever on why it is a nice place for a holiday.

‘You talkin’ to me?’; ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’; ‘Go ahead, make my day’… we’ve heard them all a million times. They are the moviegoing world’s favourite quotes and in one re-ordered, repackaged or rejigged form or another, they find their way onto the same dull lists year after year. Well, frankly, we here at the Hussy don’t give a damn, so here for your perusal are our own personal favourite movie quotes…

‘Bad day… Fuck it!’

The Usual Suspects (1994)

It can be reasonably argued that the übercool East Coast patsies of Bryan Singer’s seminal crime puzzler never truly had their fates in their own hands. But it’s when – on their enforced sabbatical to sun-baked California – twitchy trigger-man MacManus (Stephen Baldwin, below) unilaterally decides that enough’s enough and blithely plugs two of the LA underworld’s biggest hitters after rationalising that his afternoon can’t get much worse, that the net really starts to tighten…

‘We do not have time

for your damned hobbies, sir!’

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003)

The intended Galapagos Islands venturings of Paul Bettany’s nerdy, Darwin-lite man of science run afoul of Russell Crowe’s gruffly observed naval imperatives as a thirst for knowledge butts up againstthe governing principals of war, trade and conquest in this rollicking Napoleonic seafaring yarn from Aussie lubber Peter Weir.

‘Y’know what woke y’up, Lee? Y’just had yer throat cut…’

The Missouri Breaks (1976)

When cash-rich, Oscar-laden loon Marlon Brando rocks up for the role as universally feared and detested hired killer Robert E. Lee Clayton with a new gingham bonnet, an enjoyably impenitrable Irish accent and the harpoon gun that’s strapped across his majestically flabby shoulders, you know you’re in for a long day. Jack Nicholson – himself no slouch when it comes to unnecessarily gauche scene-thievery – is the unfortunate focus of the Big Man’s dire intentions and is ultimately reduced to but one choice…

‘I dunno, what are the hours..?’

This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

In the last and very least line of Rob Reiner’s enduring musical spoofumentary, lead lead guitarist of fading English metal behemoths ‘Spinal Tap’, Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest) reveals the full extent of his ongoing dedication to the rock’n'roll lifestyle by all but applying for a hypothetically presented job as a haberdasher during the films closing credits.

‘We get the right sort, this might work. We get some Buckaroo…’

The Hunt For Red October (1990)

Sean Connery, Stellan Skarsgard, Joss Ackland and Alec Baldwin in the same film? In a good film, yet!? Contemporaneous form in sleazy nugget ‘Miami Blues’ and parading an unimpeachable set of brass-balls through 1992’s ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ suggested that Baldwin Major was the right sort; an increasingy lamentable succession of later shenanigans on and off screen have persuaded many that he was in fact a mere buckaroo.

‘Can I cook, or can’t I…?’

Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Shatner meets Shakespeare in this, the greatest of the ‘Trek’ films. Narrowly beating out Kirk’s enigmatic last, dying words from ‘Star Trek: Generations’ (1994) – ‘It was…fun… Oh, my!’ – is this little gem from his scientist ex-paramour, Caroline Marcus. Having just created a device for terraforming dead planets, one might expect something a little more stentorian, but Marcus is a hippy-chick at heart and instead couches it in the hash-brownie/homemade explosives jargon of her Haight-Ashbury days.

‘Freddy, as a younger man, I was a sculptor, a painter, and a musician. There was just one problem: I wasn’t very good. As a matter of fact, I was dreadful. I finally came to the frustrating conclusion that I had taste and style, but not talent. I knew my limitations. We all have our limitations, Freddy. Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style were commodities that people desired. Freddy, what I am saying is: know your limitations. You are a moron.’

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)

‘Nuff said

‘Detriments you call us? Detriments? Well I want to remind you that it wuz detriments like us that built this bloody Empire AND the Izzat of the bloody Raj!’

The Man Who Would Be King (1975)

Another back-of-the net for Caine, as he informs British High Command exactly what he thinks about what they think about he and his partner Sean Connery in John Huston’s Bank Holiday classic. A feckless pair of chancers, bruisers and blue-sky thinkers, they’re soon high into the Hindu Kush setting themselves up as Kings of men and Gods of repute. An epic of greed and humbled arrogance to rival Britain’s own colonial misdeeds in the Subcontinent.

‘In the annals of history people are going to be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.’

Semi-Pro (2008)

He might be a big-boned, gimlet-eyed assclown, but even a blind squirrel finds the odd nut, and Will Ferrell hit the mothrerlode with this righteous 2008 b-ball comedy. While not achieving the white-eyed glossolalia of trailer park ecstacy that set ‘Talladega Nights’ (2006) apart from his usual mud-juggling efforts, ‘Semi-Pro’ scores as a finely judged requiem to those amongst us whose best has ever been revealed to be just not quite good enough.

‘Gosh, you’ve really got some nice toys here…’

Blade Runner (1982)

In a line that, it could be argued, sums up the preoccupations of the entire film, Rutger Hauer’s Milton-spouting killer robot Roy Batty allows us a glimpse of the child within. With his batteries running down, Batty attempts to make contact with his maker via corporate underling JF Sebastian – who lives in a delapidated slum with an array of mechanical pals and AI gizmos. The line between human intelligence and technological ‘mimicry’ becomes impossibly blurred in this fragile scene of dependency, deceit and acquiescence.

Written by Adam Lee Davies

aldaldald@hotmail.com

Image by Jessie Barry

Pay attention people! It’s spreading fast, this latest urban trend, has got to be the coolest way to get about town. So if you catch a glimpse of shady figures in baggy jeans, hoods and bandanas running lightly across our city scapes, its not always cause for alarm! Listen up…..and get the Urban Flow!

Words and Pictures by Jessie Barry  jessiebphotography@hotmail.co.uk 

Founded in France, Free running, or parkour, is an art form involving leaping, landing, twisting and balancing your way around urban architecture. It is an activity with the aim of moving from one point to another as quickly and efficiently as possible, using principally the abilities of the human body. It is meant to help one overcome obstacles, which can be anything around you, from branches and rocks to rails and concrete walls. It is also an established form of art, entertainment and a wicked pastime! When you see free runners performing this hybrid of break-dancing, martial arts and ballet, they make bland urban landscapes look like they were was designed solely with their fun in mind.

Don’t get it twisted, free runners are not the same brush as skateboarders, who often rush through the streets causing damaged with their boards. Free running is on another level.

At a basic level it is about training your body, while using the architecture around you to overcome obstacles and create movement. Free running is environmentally friendly and has been described by some as allied to Buddhism, to develop the inner self. Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan are commonly quoted as inspirational figures.

It has been described at a deeper level as rebellion. It is seen as a rejection of society about being free to move in a city designed to control our movement with barriers and boundaries. For the youth in society today, free running is an ideal hobby; using it to channel this rebellion into something positive.

Between certain ages, when your to cool for ‘kids stuff’ but not accepted as ‘grown ups’, groups of our youngsters take to the streets. However our society provides nothing, for young people who fall into those groups, to stimulate or entertain them. Some maybe lucky enough to have a youth club nearby, but some don’t, some individuals isolate themselves. These individuals unite creating many groups which isolate themselves and a ‘gang culture’ is created. These groups are frustrated and bored keeping themselves stimulated through causing damage, noise, drinking, using drugs and fighting. Today gang violence and knife crime is apparent everyday in our news and media. If this frustration of our young people could be channeled into a hobby, a super cool hobby, which will most defiantly up your street cred! I think free running is defiantly it!

 Free running is accessible to everyone from all walks of life. You can practice on your own or with mates anywhere and everywhere you go! From your street, to the park, to your city centers! Providing young people with something other than; drink, drugs and violence to stimulate their minds. You can practice in your yard, around your town, estate or garden, even at school or after work. You can practice with mates, sharing skills and showing off your latest moves, you’d soon be impressing everyone you meet and with a hobby to be proud of too!

Free running also produces career options for those who excel. It is seen in music videos, advertising, film and documentaries everywhere. The cult sport is taking off in cities all round UK also throughout Europe and the US. Websites like urbanfreeflow.com are becoming ever popular, offering tutorials on the latest death-defying moves. Since forming at the end of 2002, Urban Freeflow have expanded rapidly from its London base to become the global centre of contact, information, fundamental teaching and performance.  They have been commissioned to direct ,produce and edit for the likes of Adidas, Ecko, Nokia, Walt Disney, Casino Royal, Prada, National Geographic, Vodaphone, BBC, Redbull,  and Mercedes-Benz just to name a few. Various edits have also been licensed for DVD and TV. The most recognised is with Channel Four on the Jump Britain documentary. This was amazing and a landmark for Free running, if you haven’t seen it YOU NEED TO!

Urban Freeflow is the most comprehensive Parkour/Free run site in the World, breaking down barriers and educating people through movement. It is the world’s largest organisation of this kind represented in the public eye. The efforts of the entire team at Urban Free flow have been instrumental in bringing the art of Parkour and Free run into the global consciousness.

Urban Freeflow were the first organisation worldwide to set up regular classes and after developing the Parkour Units 1 and 2 AQA accreditation systems with Westminster City Council, they have successfully delivered structured training sessions in London based schools. From there, they were also the first organisation to set up a dedicated academy to teach weekly classes. Coaching has also been delivered to the police force, the scouts; numerous youth based organisations, corporate clients and many high profile commercial organisations. As well as appearing in Daily mail, Arts London news, and many more publications throughout the UK also the likes of I – D Magazine, Time Out and The New York Times. These guys are great and their work is Amazing so don’t get left behind….keep up with the ‘urban flow’ and get involved.

Words and Pictures by Jessie Barry jessiebphotography@hotmail.co.uk

For further information and lessons contact www.urbanfreeflow.com
All business and general enquiries:

ez@urbanfreeflow.com Urban Freeflow, 6 Denton Way, Frimley, Surrey, GU16 8UQ, United Kingdom

This is an entry for the Hussy’s Beachdownwriter competition to win a ticket to the Beachdown festival www.beachdownfestival.com

Welcome to a world of teasing, titillation and temptation. A world built on fun and fantasy, it is of course the wonderful world of Burlesque, enjoying a resurgence in popularity with the aid of high profile odern performers such as Dita Von Teese and a host of shows and classes that are readily available for the those that are curious about this

Burlesque performances peaked in their popularity in Britain in the nineteenth century and had a particularly satirical flavour at the time making fun of some of the more ‘serious’ art forms. Both men and women performed in these early Burlesque shows and the performances were aimed to be more satirical than titillating. This all changed however once burlesque arrived in the USA. There still remained a strong sense of humour running through the performances, however the humour became more sexually charged and burlesque became a female-led affair becoming more synomynous with striptease.

I think the nature of the burlesque act will support its renewed popularity. Yes, there is a explicit sexual edge to the shows, but it is not sleazy or cheap, it is instead combined with a theatrical edge which includes; singing, dancing and humour. This equals a combination of elements which will appeal to a wide range of people and not restrict the audience as is common with more standard strip acts in today’s society.

Leg Scarification

Body Modification

Once an explicit symbol of individuality or conformity to something other than the norm, body modification now appeals to a wide range of people from all social groupings and all walks of life.  Similarly to music, fashion and hairstyles there are trends that appear and disappear and always the outrageous statements that lie on the fringes of it all.  Not being afraid of having a few needles inserted into my skin I am interested in the world of body modification today and what it means.   Tiff Badhairdo from Magnus Opus Tattoo parlour, Brighton helped answer a few of my questions to delve into the world of needles, scalpels and human flesh…

I think there is a fairly standard route of entry into the world of body modification; pierced ears, maybe a nose, lip or eyebrow, with a progression into cartilage and surface piercings (piercings that enter and exit along the same piece of skin e.g. wrist or ankle) later on.  From Tiff’s experience, the tragus (a particular area of cartilage in the ear)  is one of the most popular piercings he performs now and he certainly believes over time that popularity comes and goes for certain piercings as is the case with tattoos. New trends and methods appear over time and in turn grow in popularity as more people exhibit them.

In recent years, those looking for a new way of expressing themselves through the medium of body modification can turn to scarification.  This has become the latest form of body art that grown in popularity.  Like tattoos, scarification is a permanent design achieved through scarring the skin with, most commonly; a scalpel or the use of heat (branding).  Scarification can be seen as a step on from tattooing, it is a permanent modification with the added element that it is raised unlike a tattoo so has a more tactile element. Tiff explained that scarification was always a more ‘underground’ form of body art which is now appealing to a wider range of people, as he remembers a time when there was no interest in scarification at all. Tiff believes a major factor that has brought scarification to the forefront of body modifications is the internet.  Websites such as www.bmezine.com allow the browser to enter into a world of common body modifications or experience a whole new realm of extreme modifications that are definitely not for the faint hearted!  Tiff does acknowledge that some people see scarification blurring the lines too much between body modification and self harm, but when carried out by experienced artists this link becomes weak.  Self-harm has a serious psychological element involved when it is carried out, when someone wants to become scarred for purely aesthetic reasons this does not hold the psychological elements of self harm.

Homemade Scarification

Microdermals are another modification that has recently increased in popularity.  A microdermal displays the combined appearance of an implant (inserting something under the skin) and a piercing.  A single stud is ‘anchored’ under the skin after a small incision is made with a scalpel.  They are a lot less likely to grow out of the skin than regular surface piercings.  This is because there are holes in piece of metal under the skin, so tissue can grow through them and keep the jewellery anchored in place.  Microdermals are being incorporated with tattoos in some cases adding a 3D element to designs and with a far less invasive procedure than involved in a surface piercing.

I have only managed to touch the surface regarding body modification in this article as there are many other procedures that are carried out today.  As much as trends in body modification have changed over the years and have become more widely acceptable in our culture (in my last office job I was often given piercing care advice from my manager!) it is definitely true that those whose bodies are heavily modified are still open to receive prejudice from a large majority of society.  Tiff comments that those who have a lot of visible modifications will usually be limited to working within the body modification industry or within a few other workplaces that will not discriminate.  In this sense there is still prejudice against people just because they choose to decorate their body.  Is this fair?  I don’t think so; unless offensive material is displayed on someone’s body I don’t think it is right to make an assumption about their character purely based on that.  However, it is undeniably human nature to react to those that are different from you and maybe opinions will change over time.  Just make sure if you do get any modifications yourself, get them done professionally and look after them, infected modifications are not so fun!

Arm Scarification

McClusky’s in Kingston is an odd place for a band like Friendly Fires to play, in fact it’s an odd place for anyone to play. An accurate description would be a Wetherspoons with live music. To be fair the stage and dance floor could be any small venue in the world and for the euphoric art-house pop of one of 2008’s best breakthrough artists it worked pretty well.

Friendly Fires quietly slipped in last year, arriving after the initial wave of horribly dubbed ‘nu rave’ bands such as Klaxons and NYPC they managed to avoid all the tacky glow-stick hype and neon. Having seen what’s subsequently happened to Shit Disco and The Sunshine Underground and without trying to forge conspiracies perhaps it was no coincidence that it took them two years to produce their ten track self-titled debut album.

The album is a cracker and the band do a good job converting it to a live show. Lead singer Ed MacFarlane manages to transfer all the energy from the record. They open up with previous single, ‘Jump In The Pool’, the breakdown is reminiscent of late Talking Heads with its strong influence of world music, cowbells and all, which works well to get the crowd into it.

They continue to work through the high points of ‘Friendly Fires’, crowd favourites ‘Paris’ and ‘Photobooth’ have the crowd singing back them giving a real show of just how catchy  and uplifting the lyrics are. The chorus of ‘Paris’ allows MacFarlane to really let rip on the vocals and Edd Gibson’s synths sound almost E.L.O.-ish, it’s great stuff.

The pace is frenetic and impressively Friendly Fires manage to pull it off for the whole show, any lull is just a build up for a crescendo. ‘White Diamonds’ provides no finer example with the toe-tapping slowly building to foot stopping and by the time the hook comes in no one in the front is able to stand still. The penultimate track is twinkle-pop beauty ‘Strobe’ which really should have closed the set but with a single to promote they close with ‘Skeleton Boy.’ By this time the crowd have calmed down and serves as a reminder that Friendly Fires are by no means the finished article.

They’ll be back in London with the ‘NME Awards Tour’ at Brixton Academy on the 21^st of February and despite an inevitable hefty price for the corporate variety show a chance to see them shouldn’t be passed up lightly.

Tickets are available for all UK venues from seetickets

www.myspace.com/friendlyfires

Komedia, Gardner Street, Brighton

Tucked away in the cosy studio bar at the back of the Komedia was a fun, acerbic and lively evening of poetry and spoken word from the monthly Hammer & Tongue banner.  Hosted by the charismatic duo of Rosy Carrick and Jonny Fluffypunk, they did a grand job of whipping the audience up into a suitably generous fervour with a pair of poems about love (one unrequited and eloquent, one filled to bursting with witty similies).

Local poet and storyteller Jamie Crawford took to the stage and delivered a well performed and mystical take on the moment a young Arthur pulls sword from stone and becomes King, an excerpt from a larger work, Crawford had the passion invested in his piece and a skill with delivery and performance; though the excerpt may have a been a tad familiar (as he even acknowledged) to open proceedings.

He was followed by Steve Tasane, a former Atomic Lip member, who opened his set with a staggeringly well realised tale of a poet pulled over by a policeman who goes on to discover the power of words as the planet is descimated by punctuation and grammar!  Tasane’s poetry has a strong rhythm and the energy clearly invested in his delivery (muscles tensed, face glowing red) inspired equally energetic responses.

The evening was bridged by the Open Slam, where nine poets had three minutes each to win the crowd over and earn points from five randomly appointed judges (of which I was one); the standard was extremely high tonight with poetry on subjects such as reverse origami, motherhood, super biscuits, broken friendships and words within words within words.  The winner goes on to the Grand (?) Slam in December, but, from the quality of work on display each and every poet will hopefully be returning to Open Mics and other events in the not-too-distant.

Australia’s Tug Dumbly closed the evening and bowled the audience over with his opening semi-autobiographical tale of a youthful event that scarred his perception of animals and religion, and probably shouldn’t be spoilt in this review!  His style flitted between darkly comic satire to incendiary diatribes to barmy little tales of violent breakfast cereals.  He had a great command over his words and performance and the audience lapped it up.

A grand, alternative way to spend an evening.  The next Hammer & Tongue is at the same hour, same place on March 5th and I truly hope to see you there!

www.komedia.co.uk/brighton

26 Windsor Street, Brighton

The perfect vegetarian Sunday lunch is a hard thing to achieve, but it seems the Earth and Stars have come incredibly close.  Plumping for a vegbox pie which arrived like a fortified castle, surrounded by seven different seasonal vegetables and drowned, generously in gravy, it was – on looks alone – delicious!  Foruntately apperances weren’t deceptive.  The pie itself combined hummous, olives and tomato into something a little different to the usual Sunday fare (as I ordered at the bar I glimpsed a few of the meaty dishes passing me by, and even I couldn’t help but lick my lips).  With roast potato, brocolli, carrots, red cabbage and the ingenious addition of parsnip crisps this little banquet was quickly wolfed down, but filled me up for the rest of the day!  Afterwards I lounged about with a few pints of Old Rosie from the excellent range of drinks on offer and finished my idyllic Sunday filling out a crossword with friends.

The Earth and Stars food menu is put together by the same lot responsible for the Mash Tun’s grub (1 Church Street, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1UE) and sets the bar very high.  I imagine I’ll be spending a fair few Sundays camped out here, and I’m eager to see what else they have to offer.  This was the perfect way to treat myself on my first weekend living in Brighton, hugely recommended!

The Earth and Stars
26 Windsor Street, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1RJ
0871 917 0007

Shannon Mathews commerative plate by Simon Harvey

 True, the corporate take-over of any and every festivity from Diwali to Halloween by companies who like to plastic wrap, suger-coat and market any celebration into another consumer-frenzied ‘event’ can be a little depressing.

 As can the glaring disparity between the West and the majority world, beamed into our homes nightly; images of famine and poverty while we sit on comfy sofas drinking wine (or cans – I know it’s not only the sophisticated literati who like to keep abreast of the news.)

Or take the definition of materialism itself. Solitary acquisition of more and more ‘things,’ status symbols and their objectification – all deepening that isolating step away from what really and ultimately matters: well being, contentment, community, and love.

 Yet all is not lost. For out of the dodgy depths of the Iron Lady’s favourite things – consumerism, materialism and environmental disdain, has sprung a simple concept and strong community spirit that is having massive and far-reaching practical and philosophical results.

 If I told you a network existed where you could ask for something you needed and a kindly soul would then give it to you gratis, you’d probably think I’d had too many glasses of vino. Sadly, that’s not the case.

 Freecycle.org is “an electronic forum where members ‘recycle’ unwanted items” -

i.e. give away things they no longer need or want for free. With a motto of “changing the world one gift at a time” it seems altruism is more than just a word in the dictionary. Sorry Maggie!

 A grassroots movement that came out of Tucson, Arizona, three years ago (I know, America who’d have thought!) freecycle.org seized the global conscience with its inspiring launch statement: “Our mission is to build a worldwide gifting movement that reduces waste, saves precious resources & eases the burden on our landfills while enabling our members to benefit from the strength of a larger community.”

With 2,779,211 members worldwide and 3,825 groups in over 50 countries, the idea has clearly become a reality, and at least 55 tonnes of unwanted goods have been kept out of landfill and now live in happy homes.

Membership is free although you do need to have a yahoo account to sign up. Groups are also moderated by local volunteers – probably to check some capitalist doesn’t turn the forum into an off-shoot of e-bay. The main rule of freecycle to remember is that everything must be free, legal (damn it) and appropriate for all ages. Postings are then split into ‘offered’, ‘taken’, ‘wanted’, and ‘received’ with collection of items sorted off the forum.

In the ‘freecycle’ spirit, newcomers should post an offer first of all. And for those of you who want to ask for everything Santa never got you, bear in mind that luxury goods like laptops and DVD players are out. Trades are a no-no as are recycling shy friends and children. (That’s from the site not me!)

 Offers from my local Brighton-based group this week range from TVs, pushchairs, clothes, surf magazines, a key cabinet, “a metal thing for the TV”, paint, and padded envelopes. But remember this is Brighton, so we have… a Mazda car manual, bags of coal, retro skates, green carpet tiles and “eight different coloured double and treble-nibbed felt tip pens” (these went quick sharp!), a U-reg Peugeot car (with a later posting apologising as the car had been towed away by the council) a porcelain kitchen sink, and ” A toilet bowl. White, used but serviceable, approx six years old.”

 Wanted postings cover Buffy DVDs, a doll’s house to decorate, fishing rods, floorboards, rain butt and pallets, and a mooncup “preferably the larger size”.  Cardboard boxes it seems, transcends all categories appearing in both offered and wanted listings.

The ethos clearly is to nurture the ole community spirit, which it has to be said in our oh so busy lives, is often scarce. That and the fact we live in a materialistic society that constantly pushes the latest gadgets and fads at us, the vulnerable consumer, the site forces us to think about what we buy, use and actually need. Toilet-bowl anyone?

See www.Freecycle.org for more info

Words: Monica Perdoni

A slightly odd, slightly scary world created by Elissa Elwick.

‘As she wept, three creatures crept and hid behind the trees,

For standing right before them was their queen of make believe.

So silently they turned and left to begin their tiresome duty,

To make their Queen a wondrous gift, deserving of her beauty.’

Elissa Elwick

“The ideas behind my narrative work are largely based on the concept of escapism and the ability of our imagination to allow us to venture into other worlds besides our own.

These two illustrations are from a children’s book I made entitled The Forgotten World of Imagination.

The story follows three characters as they venture from the world of imagination to the world of reality, in search of the little girl that dreamt them up.

It was an authorial exploration into the imagination and creativity of the childhood vision. The poem is about a little girl, who always finds herself in unfortunate situations, escaping from reality into the depths of her imagination. She meets some magical creatures and becomes their Queen of make believe, but not for long, for she must eventually wake up to the reality that surrounds her.”

Elissa also makes plush toys which are currently on holiday; more to follow…

Elissa reveals more of the inside of her head here www.elissaelwick.co.uk

Presidential Moves
 

George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush – W. (2008) 

 We kick off with a real double-whammy in Oliver ‘Mad Dog’ Stone’s surprisingly gentle dissection of the man perhaps best described by Russell Brand as ‘that retard cowboy fella’. Not only do we get Josh Brolin’s expertly mannered turn as Dubya, but there’s plenty of room left over for James Cromwell – who plays Lyndon Johnson in both the 2002 TV Movie ‘RFK’ and the upcoming ‘Flying Into Love’ as well as fictional presidents in ‘The West Wing’ and the latter-day jack Ryan romp ‘The Sum of All Fears’ (‘02) – to steal the show as George Snr. Both manage the extraordinary task of making a pair of shitkicking warmongers seem somewhat sympathetic*. 

* Lefty website slams Bush administration – Stop Press!!! 
 
 
 
 Bill Clinton – Contact (1997) 

 Media-shy shut-in Bill Clinton played himself Robert Zemeckis’s drawn-out cosmic think piece about extra-terrestrial communication. He only has his chubby, red face onscreen for a moment or two during a television address, and even that – to be fair – could be easily mistaken for stock footage, but he is the only president to have played themself (or, indeed, anyone else) on the silver screen. Rumours that Richard Nixon has an uncredited cameo in Woody Allen’s ‘Bananas’ (’71) remain unsubstantiated. 

Ronald Reagan – Airplane II: The Sequel (1982) 

 It says much about the mood of the time that the only celluloid outing for the Rocket Ronnie was left on the cutting room floor of the harebrained, scattershot, anything goes sequel to cinema’s most enduring spoof. Essayed by world-class grouch Rip Torn – best known for playing Larry Sanders’ boss on TV and Will Smith’s boss in the ‘Men In Black’ films – we can only speculate as to the result, but as Reagan himself was a B-movie actor of note in projects as varied as Don Siegel’s vicious caper flick ‘The Killers’ (1964) and bizarre monkey business ‘Bedtime for Bonzo’ (1951), perhaps the man himself had already done enough to earn his big screen stripes. 

Jimmy Carter and Gerald R. Ford – Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993) 

 More spoofery is afoot in the unasked for sequel to Charlie Sheen-starring ‘Rambo’ send up ‘Hot Shots!’ (’91). Passable look-alikes Ed Beheler and Larry Lindsay are required to do little more than stand on the White House lawn and allow Lloyd Bridges to whale on them with a rusty shovel. That Carter was also a farmer and Ford is slapstick godhead Homer Simpson’s favourite president lend the scene a sly post-modern wit much lacking in the rest of the film.

  Richard Milhous Nixon – Secret Honour (1984) 

 Currently being fleshed out by Frank Langella in Ron Howard’s ‘Frost/Nixon’, the most complex and compelling 20^th Century American president has been played by such diverse actors as grandstanding Welsh garbler Anthony Hopkins (who also delivers the world’s longest, most hand-wringing speech of all time as former prez John Quincy Adams in Spielberg’s ‘Amistad’ (1997)) and hirsute Brooklyn Jew Dan Hedaya – best known as Carla’s scumbag husband in ‘Cheers’. But it is Philip Baker Hall who takes the laurels for revealing the full extent of Nixon’s mania in Robert Altman’s ‘Secret Honour’. Pacing around in his study armed with a revolver and a bottle of hooch, Baker delivers a ninety-minute monologue that reveals the true ends of power. 

Lyndon Johnson – The Right Stuff (1984) 

Plymouth’s favourite son Donald Moffat is no stranger to the Oval Office. He memorably warned Harrison Ford not to ‘come in here and bark at me like some jumped-up junkyard dog’ in ‘Clear and Present Danger’ (’94), played Roosevelt in ‘Eleanor and Franklin: The White House Years’ (’77) and is a regular visitor to ‘The West Wing’. But it was as then Vice-President Lyndon Johnson in Philip Kaufman’s majestic history of the ‘Mercury 7’ astronauts that he really caught the eye. Stentorian in his Stetson and righteously miffed not to be allowed to press the flesh with John Glenn’s nervous wreck of a wife, LBJ descends into a fit of childish pique and starts smashing the place up. 
 

John F. Kennedy – Thirteen Days (2000) 

Enduring liberal icon or the serial philandering son of a mobbed-up bootlegger? – JFK seems more divisive as the years go by. Onscreen he is usually a scion of hope and a touchstone for well-intentioned ideals, but Kevin Reynolds’ superb 2000 drama ‘Thirteen Days’ gives a far more complete picture of the man who somehow steered America – and his own administration – through the Cuban missile crisis. The redoubtable Bruce Greenwood (who also played the Chief Exec in Nicolas Cage howler ‘National Treasure: Book of Secrets’ (2007)) lets a natty haircut and mercifully gentle Boston accent do the spade work and gets on with an investigation of moral courage in which Jack doesn’t come up smelling entirely of roses… 

.
 
 
 

MC@Hammer & Tongue

Thursday 22nd Jan hails the sixth all-mighty annual Poets vs MCs night in Brighton so if you’re into your verse – vicious or flowery, appreciate the finer points of syntax or are just into an Eminem-stylee play off, head to the Komedia for a guaranteed night of cool wit and wordiness. We talk to the lovely co-MC and local wordsmith extraordinaire Rosy Carrick to find out lots, lots more…

So what can we expect from the night?
Like all poetry slams, it acts essentially as a platform for poets and MCs to perform their work to a far broader audience than normal; the competitive context seems to appeal to our more sadistic side, I think!

There’ll be around eight poets and eight MCs, who will battle it out over three rounds, after which the audience decides which team wins. The atmosphere is amazing; there’s a real competitive edge, both on and off the stage, but only superficially; we’re all friends in REAL LIFE.
How long have the monthly Hammer and Tongue events been going on for?
H&T started about three years ago in Brighton, and has always incorporated the slam element. It was started in Oxford by Steve Larkin five or six years ago and is getting bigger all the time.
There’s one due to start up in Bath at the Komedia there, and there’s also one in London now, though the Brighton one tends to be the biggest.
Who or what was behind it? Are you one of the founders?Steve started it, and it was Sam Berkson who used to run the Brighton H&T nights. I moved here a couple of years ago and it was one of the first spoken word events I came to, so I infiltrated its existence and took over!
Have you and Jonny Fluffypunk always hosted the event?
No. Sam left for Liverpool a year or so ago, so Jonny and I have taken the reins since then.

Is the slam aimed primarily at wordsmiths or?
Well, the slam rules include a no singing, no props, no music element, so yes, unaccompanied spoken word in whatever poetic genre it takes is what we’re aiming for. UK slam poetry being born out of the US hip hop slam battle tradition, inevitably a lot of the slam poets we get veer towards a more hip hop style, but we get all manner of other poetry too.

What difference does the three-minute rule really make? Will it apply at the big annual slam?
Yes – I think it makes a real difference. The performer is forced to consider what they have to say in a far more concise way, and the judges in the audience have a more focussed performance to judge from. Not to mention the fact that, if a poet is bloody awful, the audience can rest assured that at least it’ll all be over pretty quickly!
Poets vs. MCs is a little different. The time allowance tends to be more relaxed, and it’s judged the old fashioned way – with claps, whoops, cheers and stamping, instead of the scoring cards we use at the regular monthly slams. This means that everyone gets the chance to be a part of the judging, and generally makes for a far more
raucous affair!
Is there anything unique about H & T compared to other wordy events?
There are some brilliant spoken word nights in Brighton; I think we’re really lucky here. Hammer and Tongue is great because we’re able to include a range of poetic experience, style and locality in one event.
For example, we have up to eight poets in the slam, some of whom come from surprisingly far afield, a 10 minute slot from a local poet at the start of the night – who has usually been spotted
as a previous slam performer, or at another local open mic night – plus two high profile guest poets. On top of that, we have DJs, programmes and chocolate eclairs – what more could any sane person ask for?!

Are there any regular acts to look out for at the slams or annual event?
Local poet Spliff Richard, who won the Hammer and Tongue Grand Slam Final in both 2007 and 2008 is definitely a favourite. He’s brilliantly elastic in his poetry, and a great performer.

Tips for newbie or wannabe performing slammers?

It can feel pretty scary to compete in a slam so, firstly, accept that a certain degree of terror will inevitably be present! Other than that, be nice to your audience, know your work – it doesn’t matter if you don’t know it off by heart, but practice it through so you feel confident about what you’re saying. And relax!
Don’t worry about what people will think; you wouldn’t be doing it if you didn’t think your poetry had something to offer, so, as Nike is so fond of telling us, JUST DO IT! And if you fuck up, say “Oops, I fucked up, just gimme a second and I’ll find my place”. Everyone fucks up sometimes…

Past faves and ‘memorable’ H&T poets, and Poets Vs MC finalists?

We’ve had some excellent poets. Personal H&T favourites have been Rhian Edwards – one of my all-time favourite poets, John Hegley who was, as ever, a fabulous performer onstage and total loon off, Tim Clare and Byron Vincent from Bristol, who are both brilliantly talented and odd, and the ever-drunker Brendan Cleary, whose poetry I just love. As for Poets vs MC finalists, last year’s winner for me was poet Robin Lawley, whose “Humble Ode to the Great MC”
was perfect.
Any future syntactical treats to look out for in 09?

Something Jon and I are doing with H&T this year is broadening the scope of our invited artists. It would be very easy to always have hip hop-style performance poets on the bill and, in the past, this has tended to be the case.
This year we’ve been more eclectic in our bookings. “Performance Poetry” is different to “Poetry Readings”, and we’re certainly not moving away from the importance we recognize in the performative element, but we will add poets who are not traditionally associated with ’slam’ poetry.
People I’m most looking forward to are the incredible and yet also very credible Keston Sutherland, avant-garde poet and critical theorist, and the surreal and lyrical Nathan Filer, whose short films of his work have won the BBC Best Short Film Award in the UK, the Zebra Poetry Film Award in Berlin, and many others too.
Anything else peops should know about the slam that night and generally?

For Poets vs MCs I’d advise coming early, as it’s a very popular night. For the regular nights, if you’d like to take part in the slam, also come early! We only have 8 places and there’s nothing worse than preparing yourself mentally to perform, only to find that there are no slots left.
Other than that, just come along! I’ve known people who felt quite intimidated at the thought of what a slam night would be like. In reality, it’s open, friendly and above all, great fun. All the poets will be milling around too, so it’s an excellent way to meet your favourite performers and pick people’s brains about what’s going on.
See brightonpoetry.co.uk for all spoken word events in Brighton and Hove, Hammer and Tongue Brighton on facebook or email the lovely Rosy at info@rosycarrick.co.uk

Rosy was interviewed for The Hussy by Monica Perdoni.

read more about Rosy at www.rosycarrick.co.uk

Written by Monica Perdoni

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for every child”

so says the front page of latest homes magazine.

And solid gold is the perfect choice for every bath tap, winning numbers are the perfect choice for every lottery ticket, long is the perfect choice for any life, and 12″ is the perfect choice for every penus.

This intelligent, balanced well conceived cover line draws the reader in towards a full page of blathering gibber inside the magazine.

He squeals, “I can’t deny the pleasure of … churning out boys and girls who can pass exams but little else”

Now let us first assume that Brighton College is bloody marvellous, it should be as its charity status means every taxpayer in Brighton and Hove is giving it a leg-up.

But, the perfect choice for every child?? OK I choose it.

£24,000 per annum, that makes it near perfect for every child.

Please, can I join your brain factory?

But don’t let the money stop you; it really is the perfect choice for every child. So don’t go whinging coz you are being educationally buggered at Varndean; you are only there because you are not perfect.

See for yourself Brighton College

The idea behind this series was that an inanimate plastic has no personality. Everything about it must be projected onto it by the viewer. So, bearing this in mind, I found it amusing when at the exhibition then people kept discussing the “highly erotic” nature of the subject. Well, actually they are 5cm high and came from a pound shop. It is all in your head mate.

Personally, I think they need to be looked after and given a good home. The back story I see  involves negelct and living in cellars. But, that must be in my head? So maybe viewing plastic dolls as erotically charged is actually better.

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Facebook, the ne plus ultra of the modern social butterfly, has become home to a group with rather different concerns in the last few months. In one of a number of signs that Britons are becoming increasingly aware of and passionate about their urban surrounds, the Euston Arch group focuses on just one issue: the restoration of the fabled grand entranceway to London’s beleagured mainline station.

 Overarching concerns

The arch, a 70ft-tall gateway to the first capital-city terminus in the world, was destroyed along with the original building in 1962 by a cabal of self-interested parties, who had triumphed over the nascent conservation societies lined up against them.

Despite assurances that it would be labelled and carefully dismantled, the 125-year-old Doric propylaeum was smashed to pieces and sold to British Waterways, who used it to plug a hole in the River Lea.

There the story would have ended, were it not for the fact that historian Dan Cruikshank identified the lost pieces and verified their condition was sound. When news arrived recently that the 1962 Euston Station was itself due for demolition, a unique opportunity arose: resurrect the lost arch to take its place in front of the new 21st century building.

Demolishing the Euston Arch, courtesy of the Euston Arch Trust

Appetite for reconstruction

This is not such a fanciful idea as it sounds. Projects like I M Pei’s glass Louvre pyramid have demonstrated the harmony that can be achieved through a sensitive juxtaposition of the the classical and the modern, and there is undeniably a mood in the air for experimentation.

In fact the British, once famously hostile to change, are now at least as broad-minded about matters of art and architecture as their European cousins. The populace which once exhaled a unanimous harrumph at the Tate’s purchase of Carl Andre’s “Pile of Bricks” and jeered along with Prince Charles with his comments on “monstrous carbuncles” now crowd into venues like Gateshead’s curvaceous Sage Centre and welcome enthusiastically imaginative schemes such as Marks Barfield’s 500ft-high “i360″ observation tower, which is planned to rise from the ashes of Brighton’s West Pier this year.

Brighton's West pier in the olden days

Better late than never?

These landmark constructions, when taken alongside the success of the Saatchi Gallery and sell-out exhibitions such as Sensation and Apocalypse point to a deep and irrevocable change of attitudes. It seems that, 80 years after its gestation, the British public finally “gets” modernism.

The irony is that, just as this most egalitarian of movements finds its justification, it ceases to be of any relevance. 20th century modernism was a noble attempt to replace destructive rivalries with a new internationalism founded on rationality and democracy. Yet it’s a perversion of precisely this motivating spirit that blights our towns and cities to this day ­- the dispiriting blank-faced canyons of “High Street, Anytown” are a stark reminder of what happens when you jettison all vestiges of localism in favour of the international.

i360, future west pier

What once represented thrusting municipal brio now symbolises the tawdry anonymity of emasculated industrial towns, where the sedentary attractions of mall and multiplex have replaced factory and furnace. In a world where the internet and environmental concerns have brought about a renewed sense of community, long subsumed regional characteristics are resurgent, making the modernist ethic suddenly appear distastefully monolithic.

Bricking it

If the central tenets of modernism are no longer relevant, what do we call the showpiece buildings transforming our post-industrial spaces? One is tempted to invoke the ghost of “postmodernism”, but that would be to summon up a whole new set of arguments.

In any case it doesn’t matter. What is important is that the construction industry as a whole is shaken from its slumber.

Housing in Britain is dominated by a backward-looking conservatism, which scars our hinterlands with “Tudorbethan” boxes, while commerce favours bastardised modernism – purely because it is the cheapest and fastest way to build.

What we desperately need is more control over our built environments; we need government that understands the street is as important a landscape as the valley, and most of all, we need to rediscover those most neglected of qualities: harmony and elegance.

Paul Pensom is art director of Creative Review

Thanks to www.eustonarch.org   and www.westpier.co.uk

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Shannon Mathews commerative plate by Simon Harvey

Petrusco-she came from the sea

[Show as slideshow]

“The model in ‘she came from the sea’ resisted the fish tank at first but when she saw us struggling with it along the beach she caved in. The sea was misbehaving too. It almost swallowed the tank. The idea behind this photograph was to capture the fragile relationship between man and nature. ‘West pier inhabitants’ is a mix of improvisation and circumstances. My friend Peter told me about the very low deep tide revealing normally submerged parts of the West Pier in the mornings for about an hour and a half. My friend Veronica agreed to model but she was babysitting. “Bring the boy you’re looking after,” I told her. Then it was dressing up time in colourful rags and facial masks.”

Lots more lovely and excciting prints can be viewed and bought from www.petruscoseye.com

Escape your family this Christmas by taking one of The Hussy’s celebrated series of utterly aimless ambles around town. John Higgs is your guide

* Time: 20 wasted minutes

* Difficulty: Easy

 Start at the curvy wooden seating opposite the Theatre Royal in New Street. It’s a pleasant location and you could happily while away an afternoon here people watching. Instead, you will now take a pointless walk. 

“We are not looking to gain insight into our environment. We are taking a pointless walk”

Stand up and head north along New Road. On your right you will see a life-size statue of music hall legend Max Miller. The statue stands awkwardly, with an enlarged left shoulder, as if suffering from a bad back. With its right hand it points accusingly at a chartered accountants’ office over the road. However, the statue cannot bring itself to look at the accused accountants, but gazes down instead at a bicycle chained to the railings. What does this tell us about Miller or music hall? Thankfully, nothing at all. We are not some urban psycho-geographer or a French situationist undertaking looking to gain insight into our environment. We are taking a pointless walk. 

A complete waste of time

Cross over the road and walk up Jubilee Street. It will not escape your notice that there is currently an exhibition of photographs outside the library. Big, haunting photographs of Iraqi families at home before being carpet-bombed or terrorised. Looking at these might be a poignant, empathetic experience; it may even rouse you to political thought or action – entirely defeating the point of a pointless walk. Walk on, you’ve had a narrow escape.

“Be aware of the dangers: a pointless walk should not be so long that it could be classed as exercise”

At the end of Jubilee Street we can see two further roads north. To our left is Kensington Street, home to Brighton’s finest collection of graffiti and street art. We, however, take Robert Street to the right, and discover that there is nothing interesting down there. 

Totally futile

At the end of Robert Street turn left up Gloucester Road and, a short time later, turn left down Queen’s Gardens. After walking a reasonable distance, suddenly realise that you are going in completely the wrong direction. You must then decide whether to turn around or continue with your current course in the hope things will get better. Elect to keep on your current course but be aware of the dangers: a pointless walk should not be so long that it could be classed as exercise – so we will have to get back on track soon. Down the street you may see a sign in a window that reads ‘The Witch Is In!’. Don’t pay this any mind.

Nothing to see here

At the end of Queen’s Gardens, turn right and trudge up North Road. You will pass all sorts of interesting shops, including a drum emporium, a place that purveys brightly coloured fake hair, and a shop that sells Samurai swords, statuettes of Confucius, and ninja whatnots. Keep your head down, look at your feet and you will not notice any of this. Look up in time to see the frightening red horror that is the LA Fitness gym, however, as this is your cue to turn right down Frederick Gardens. 

Frederick Gardens is a long alleyway with a row of tiny little houses on your left – homes that appear to be inhabited by the many garden gnomes you will notice. As you walk you will entertain a pleasant fantasy about how one day, maybe when you are old, you might live in one of these cottages, with the gnomes. You may also notice that one or two houses are up for sale. However, when you exit this lane you will completely forget all about these thoughts and you will never live in one of these cottages with the gnomes. Turn left at the end, by the pub, and trek up the hill towards the Queen’s Road. You will have an option of walking up steps with a helpful rail or walking up a ramp. Use the ramp. Everybody uses the ramp.

Really, really devoid of purpose

Turn right and you will see the station in front of you. You will notice not one but two clocks on the front of the station, displayed high and prominent. If you were planning to catch a train, these would inspire you to break into a jog. You don’t have to do this, of course, because you have no intention of catching a train. You have no business at the station at all. Indeed, it is completely out of your way. Congratulations, you have now completed this pointless walk.

John Higgs is the author of I Have America Surrounded – The Life of Timothy Leary (£8.99 The Friday Project Limited)

www.ihaveamericasurrounded.com

Octopussy (screenprint, 2008)

“I carried the idea for this picture around in my head for years – ever since I discovered Hokusai’s amazing woodcut ‘Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife’ while I was working at the British Museum. The painting I eventually made was reworked as a line drawing, which became a playing-card design for a fancy lingerie retailer. Ultimately I produced this limited-edition screenprint. Weird as it seems to westerners, tentacle erotica has a long tradition in Japanese art, and more recently became popular as a way of getting round harsh censorship laws.”

eve-poland

Up to no Good (screenprint, 2007)

“This print also started life as a painting. It evolved from a doodle and the cats just happened to look very mischievous. I liked the idea of them hanging out on a street corner plotting naughtiness and trying not to look guilty. The title came out of nowhere and was instantly right; I think it’s been integral to the success of the picture – it always seems to make people smile.”

The Brighton based artist Eve Poland is giving a limited edition print away, see our Freestuff

Yvonne Luna

“Though it looks like a Christmas pic, this one was actually taken early April last year, when we had a freak snowstorm. As seasoned all-year-round sea swimmers, the first thing my friends and I think when we see snow is ‘Quick – down to the beach for a swim!’ Actually it’s easy when you go in regularly and keep acclimatised. On this particular day we used the Brighton Sailing Club to change in – and even managed to persuade some of the sailors into the sea with us. They had all been hanging about at their bar looking miserable because the first day of their sailing season had been scuppered by the storm – until we came along and offered them an alternative activity! Here we see Nick Sayers, more famous for organising naked and low-tide bike rides, coming in from the cold.”

yvonne-luna

More images at www.flickr.com/photos/yvoluna

ITV1’s feeble Ross Kemp-laden offerings not quite hitting the spot? Cruise through Christmas Day with our non-stop Movie Mood Matcher. By Adam Lee Davies

9.00am “A Charlie Brown Christmas’ (1965)

The calm before the storm: pea-headed masochist Charlie Brown and his muckle-mouthed chum Linus, repelled by the crass commercialism and gale-force pandemonium of the festive season, attempt to divine the true spirit of Christmas, bumming everyone else out in the process. The ideal film with which to gird your loins for the hate, bile, recriminations and crippling alcohol abuse to come…

9.25am ‘Gremlins’ (1984)

The kids are up, the presents are out and the shit’s already nearing the fan. Joe Dante’s gleefully unhinged slice of anarchy makes the perfect accompaniment to the carnage escalating around you. A criminally irresponsible dad buys his son a cute little rodent from a wizened old Oriental shopkeeper in an ethnically sketchy Chinatown. Unfortunately, the Yuletide reverie of their cloying, picture book town is destroyed when the furry little bastard spawns a pack of punky, flesh-eating terrorists with scant regard for authority.

11.11 ‘Trading Places’ (1983)

Time to bring it down a notch with a few brazil nuts and John Landis’s acerbic but stately life-swap comedy. Here, Christmas is exploited as the paradisiacal backdrop against which his capricious employers strip Dan Akroyd’s snooty commodities broker bare. The presents are done, lunch is a little way off and you’re at something of a crossroads in the big day. Like Aykroyd, you are presented with the option to resign yourself to your plight or take arms against the river of shit to come.

1.07pm ‘The Poseidon Adventure’ (1972)

Everyone’s fannying about in the kitchen, so best to slap on something undemanding and/or you’ve seen a thousand times before. But even while you’re buttering your parsnips and changing Gran’s colostomy bag, out of the corner of your eye you’re bound to catch sight of the Poseidon’s Christmas cruise capsizing and, in the pit of your stomach, know that your day is destined to follow much the same course. Open another bottle.

3.04pm ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’ (1969)

A Bond film is the cornerstone of any Xmas viewing experience. The Asti Spumanti and simmering ill-feeling served up at the dinner table are starting to take hold as 007 takes his brand of pointless mayhem and Christmas cracker punning to Austria for festive fun with Telly Savalas and a harem of lissom tarts.

5.26pm ‘Batman Returns’ (1982)

Christmas in Gotham and the dark half of Yuletide is exposed after one to many egg-nogs and a cheeky line or two off the back of your new Coldplay CD. It’s just all so fake; so patently contrived. Nobody’s what they seem, none of it makes any real sense and you can’t wait for it to end. The film’s a bit iffy too.

7.30pm ‘Die Hard’ (1988)

Christmas at Nakatomi Towers is a brutal experience. Bruce Willis is bloodied, bruised and forced to parade around in his undies, but it’s a walk in the park compared to the powderkeg of spite, resentment and brandy butter speedballs that’s inevitably about to blow your Christmas Night wide open.

9.28pm ‘L.A. Confidential’ (1997)

The Bloody Christmas beatings of 1951 lights the touchpaper of Curtis Hanson’s peerless adaptation of James Ellroy’s diamond-hard noir procedural. While it’s all kicking off onscreen, the havoc is mounting in the front room as one too many Tia Marias have sent everyone over the top.

11.01pm ‘101 Reykjavík’ (2000)

They’re shouting, they’re swearing, and you’re drinking wine straight from the bottle. We’re through the looking glass now people, but things can’t get as bad they do for Hlynur in this boozy Icelandic gem. Not unless you manage to somehow impregnate your mother’s lesbian lover in the next hour.

12.57pm ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ (1999)

Mum’s gone to bed so it’s time to put the ‘X’ into Xmas with a Christmas mucky. Or so you’d hope. Kubrick’s last roll of the dice is a spectacularly loopy skin-flick that displays precious little nudity, a preponderance of pondering and takes for-fucking-ever getting precisely nowhere. Cruise and Kidman spend the holidays wandering around Pinewood’s feeblest approximation of Manhattan while your cinematic Christmas grinds to a confused and flaccid halt.

3.12 ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ (1968)

By now you’re sitting alone in a pool of crapulence, sweet wrappers and fomenting regret. Your siblings have deserted you for their PS3s, your parents are already preparing the hideous déjà vu of Boxing Day and every notion of joyful nativity has been inverted. Christmas with the junior antichrist offers the only remaining option for you now.

Happy holidays.

Go find it (or download)

Eating food from skips used to be the preserve of foxes and tramps, but with rising food costs and increasing anti-consumerism, freeganism is becoming almost chic. Benjamin Clothier invited The Hussy around for an early Christmas dinner.

illustration by Mia Hague

A satisfied silence descended upon the dinner table as my guests tucked into their roast turkey with chestnut stuffing, sprouts, cranberry and tout les trimmings. Sipping my glass of single-estate sancerre, courtesy of one of my dining companions, I reflected on his generosity. I, on the other hand, had spent not a penny on the fine festive fare. Indeed, I’d pulled most of the ingredients for this culinary cornucopia from a supermarket skip the previous evening.

“I couldn’t give a toss about capitalism but free-of-charge gourmet dining had a real ring to it”

I was introduced to the concept of harvesting food from supermarket bins by Jamie, an art student friend of mine. At an upmarket Hove dinner party, he’d delighted some visitors – and repulsed others – with his tale of a sumptuous banquet of sirloin steaks that he’d scavenged from outside Sainsbury’s on Lewes Road one moonlit eve.”Something stopped me.

“I,” the young Turk declared, “am a freegan. I reject the consumerist society in which we live and forage in supermarket skips as an alternative to paying for food.”

“Was there not something awfully feral, and very likely unhygienic, about the practice?”

Buy none get one free

All of which sounded like a jolly good jape to me. So, with further inquiry, he led me to the Cowley Club to meet a small group of urban foragers. I politely partook of the herbal teas that I was presented with and listened to increasingly tremendous stories of bounties plundered from the bins of evil, rotten-to-the-core capitalist supermarkets. I couldn’t give a toss about capitalism but free-of-charge gourmet dining had a real ring to it.

They were a brave if rather scruffy bunch, and their tales beguiled me. I found myself surreptitiously eyeing up assorted skips in the days that followed. Within a week I’d found a vacuum cleaner, a bread maker and a rather stylish satchel. A fine haul.

When it came to scavenging food, though, something stopped me. Was there not something awfully feral, and very likely unhygienic, about the practice? How would it look for a gentleman of my standing in the Hove community to pillage his prandial perks in such a manner?

Bins laden

But my interest was piqued. So, under cover of night, armed with a torch and a backpack, I set off to the car park behind Marks & Spencer. Two of the large bins were empty but the third was full to the brim so, screwing my courage to the sticking post, I dove in. The top layer comprised only empty packaging and discarded carrier bags. Digging deeper though, I hit the motherload: fine cheeses, loaves of bread, an assortment of vegetables and two chilled steak pies. All packaging was intact and, notwithstanding the expired sell-by dates, it looked as appetising as it would have done on the shelves a few hours earlier.

As I stuffed my booty triumphantly into my backpack, a loud shout was directed at me from across the car park. Legally, I had been reliably informed, dumpster diving is a grey area; while the owner of an object loses their rights to it once discarded, the long arm of the law could still, technically, finger the feckless freegan for trespass. As a fat security guard waddled over, I slipped back into the night.

Harvested supper

Returning home, I opened a bottle of wine. The steak pie, browned in the oven and accompanied by steamed asparagus with parmesan shavings – all plundered that evening – tasted so much better than if I’d paid for it. It tasted, dare I say, of freedom.

Over the following months, I visited other supermarket car parks and was truly shocked at what is thrown out by those cathedrals to consumerism. I now regularly skip-hunt, and I eat wonderfully. Expiry dates are usually a nonsense. You don’t need a use-by date to tell you if bananas are still yellow or bread is still soft. Chocolate and hard cheeses remain perfectly good for weeks. Chilled foods I freeze for a rainy day.

“Browned in the oven and paired with steamed asparagus and parmesan shavings, it tasted so much better than if I’d paid for it. It tasted, dare I say, of freedom”

I never used to relish traipsing around supermarket aisles. “Shopping” is certainly more fun these days. The pricier, more upmarket stores are usually more wasteful and hence offer richer pickings. I’d draw the line at skip-hunting outside Aldi or Lidl anyway; a man must keep his standards, credit crunch or no.

Culinary conspirators

So it came about that I hosted a freegan pre-Christmas dinner party, although I hadn’t mentioned the ‘freegan’ aspect on the invitation – the origins of the royal repast set before them were unknown to my guests.

“A splendid supper,” Hove hippy mother told me as she departed home to relieve Tarquin’s babysitter of her duties. “Ah. I nearly forgot.” A quick rummage in her behemoth of a handbag and she presented me with a box of Waitrose fairtrade organic chocolates. I happened to notice the date on them. Our eyes met and a flash of mutual understanding passed between us.

“Is it just me, or do these chocolates have something of the night about them?” I murmured, an eyebrow knowingly raised. She smiled slyly. The Hussy…

To see more work by Mia Hague, visit www.miahague.co.uk

Cooking and eating road-kill is economical and quite legal. Nice glass of merlot with your free-range festive bird, sir?

Christmas is here, your rapacious in-laws are hungry and turkey ain’t getting any cheaper. Fear not: pull up by the roadside when next out for a spin, gather up that bloody sack of sinew and bones that has come off worse in a tussle with a 4×4, and bundle it into your ‘bag for life’.

That’s right, we’re talking about dining on road-kill, but don’t worry – the National Trust, advocate of cucumber-sandwich-and flask-of-tea days out, encourages it. Well alright, “encourages” might be pushing it a bit, but it certainly suggests it as a viable option in Wild Food, the organisation’s “practical guide to collecting food in the wild” – although it cautions: “The highway supermarket is a real test of our commitment to eating wild food.” Well quite.

Food on the hoof

Our cousins across the pond are forever free-fooding it up on the free freeway, with some roadside eateries even offering a “from your grille to our grill” service. It’s unlikely that Little Chef managers would welcome gluttonous Brit gourmands strolling in holding rigor mortis-ing badgers aloft – but give it a try, by all means.

“When a carcass is flyblown and crawling with maggots, it’s good to go”

In the UK your bush-meat harvest could include delicacies such as rabbit, squirrel, boar, hedgehog, blackbird or pheasant. Cats and dogs are fine; you may prefer to devour pitbulls (having had such fun biting kids’ faces off, they’ve got it coming), but reportedly labradors have the most tender flesh. Of course during the festive season, a flattened turkey or a partridge knocked out of its pear tree would be particularly welcome finds.

 ”The meat will be riddled with splintered bones, which are tricky to extract, and infused with tyre rubber and sump oil”

Dem bones

Choose corpses knocked to roadside verges over those stuck to the tarmac. The latter are more likely to have been run over repeatedly; while this may have a favourable tenderising effect, the meat will be riddled with splintered bones, which are tricky to extract, and infused with tyre rubber and sump oil. As for timing, Wild Food reports cheerfully: “When a carcass is flyblown and crawling with maggots, it’s good to go… As long as it is cleaned carefully, all maggots removed, and properly cooked, it is safe to eat.”

“Taking vehicular pot shots at Flopsy Bunny and friends is definitely verboten”

Apparently in all good stately homes (and believe us, The Hussy has been an overnight guest at more than a few): “The gamekeeper hangs up any catches intact and places a basket underneath: when the first maggots drop into the basket the meat is ready for the kitchen.”

Don’t get overzealous…

A word of warning though; do not, on the night of your dinner party, climb into your car and take to the roads with murder on your mind, like some sort of motoring, gastronomic Charles Manson. Careering around the countryside taking vehicular pot shots at Flopsy Bunny and friends is definitely verboten. Eat what you find or hit by accident, no problem, but accelerating deliberately into that dog trapped in your headlights is sadly illegal. Still, accidents will happen. Especially when you’re feeling peckish.

Wild Food by Jane Eastoe costs £6.99 and is available from www.amazon.co.uk

Famous Five

Photo treasure hunts baffle Brighton; solve clues and snap solutions with Shoot Experience. Happysnapparazzi sleuthing, Watson. www.shootexperience.com

Blurred vision

Dot to dot

Fishy?

Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain

If you haven’t laughed in the last month you’ve only got yourself to blame says television comedy producer and purveyor of humorous ditties Matt Tiller.

Stringing me along…
I love the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain. The first time I saw them was on a date. We never met up again – me and my date – but it was my fault; not that of the orchestra. They’re warm and amusing, playing unexpected songs and fantastically concocted medleys. (Sunday 19 October, Corn Exchange 7.30pm).

Stand-up and be counted…
Fuck you. Edgy! Reginald D Hunter’s like that. (Thursday 16 October, Corn Exchange 7.30pm). Jon Richardson, on the other hand, is angry at the little things that get on your tits. (Saturday 18 October, Pavilion Theatre 7.30pm). David O’Doherty plays whimsical ditties, as do I. Except he has a Casio keyboard and won the if.comedy award. (Sat 18 October, Pavilion Theatre 9.15pm). Rhod Gilbert’s show is just fucking amazing. A flawless hour of stand-up, this is an incredible piece of work. Gilbert is known for surreal stories about growing up in a fictional town in Wales – Llanbobble – but, stung by criticism that he wasn’t tackling the real world, he enters it and promptly has a nervous breakdown. This is the brilliant result of his attempt to face reality. (Monday 29 October, Pavilion Theatre 9.15pm).

www.brightondome.org

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www.brightoncomedyfringe.co.uk

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Check out Matt’s work at:

www.tillerpop.com

Fringe benefits…
As well as the main festival, the fringe events on at Upstairs at Three and Ten (Steine Street BN2 1TE) are worth a look, featuring some excellent acts. Go to one of Terry Saunders’ storytelling nights, Sitting on a Rug (Wednesday 29 October) and Shitting Yourself on a Rug (Friday 31 October). I know – I was shocked too. He’s such a nice fellow and then he comes out with a title like that. It’s a Halloween special so it makes sense. There will be ghost stories and carved vegetables.

Sketchy details…
Other fringe shows on at Upstairs at Three and Ten include last year’s if.comedy award nominees Pappy’s Fun Club (Friday 17 October, 8pm) with their energetic and daft sketch show and Alexis Dubus: A R#ddy Brief History of Swearing (Wednesday 22 October, 8pm), which won many plaudits at Edinburgh. Finally there’s Lady Garden (Saturday 1 November, 8pm) which on the surface should be a disaster; six fairly recently graduated female performing-arts type students doing sketches. But it is a virtually unmitigated success. The standard of performance and writing is very high and there are very few misses from a sketch group in its first year.

Ok, some people don’t like kids in pubs, but opinions become less extreme when you actually have one yourself and fancy a pint. Joanne Mallon on the dos and don’ts of taking your little one for a swift ‘alf’.

When you were a kid and your parents went to the pub, did you get plonked outside in the car with just a packet of crisps and a Fanta for company? Well, times have changed. It’s out with the old backstreet boozer, and in with the family-friendly watering hole.

It’s easy for you and your child to enjoy a visit to the pub, so long as you both play by the rules.

Pub rules for children

Start ‘em young, so they get used to how to behave in public spaces.

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Arrive and leave early. No child is cute at 9pm in a pub. Even 8pm is pushing it, so make sure you have skedaddled by then. Your child is unlikely to want to stay out for as long as you do, so look on any visit over an hour as a bonus.

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If junior kicks off, remove him. Don’t try and deal with it in situ. Noise always carries more than you think.

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No running around.

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Come prepared with toys and other distractions. Some pubs provide colouring books, but don’t rely on it.

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Suitable pub games include: sketching the bar staff; reading; Lego; any electronic gizmo.

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Unsuitable pub games include: hide and seek; tag; football.

Best boozers for babies

Babies are pretty portable, and if you time your pub visit with the littl’un’s nap time, you should be able to have a decent break while they snooze.

Check out the Tin Drum, which has branches at Hove, Kemptown and Seven Dials. www.tindrum.co.uk)

These family-friendly bars/restaurants usually have colouring books and plenty of space for you to park a pram. None of the regular patrons will bat an eyelid if you’re breastfeeding, and there are changing tables in the loos.

Top taverns to toddle in

A toddler will present your most challenging pub mission, as once your child can walk, they won’t want to keep still. Any pub with an enclosed garden will give them some toddling space.

Just outside of Brighton, the Half Moon in Plumpton is popular thanks to its great outside area, complete with swings, a playhouse and even a tractor. www.halfmoonplumpton.com

If you’re raising a little gourmet, try the Preston Park Tavern on Havelock Road. www.PrestonParkTavern.co.uk

Over-fives welcome

You’re on the home straight now. Once your child can read fluently, together you can frequent any pub you like. Just take the latest Beano and you’re sorted.

Check out the Prestonville Arms on Hamilton Road, family-friendly and tucked away just up the hill from Brighton Station. It’s a traditional real ale pub, complete with a cosy fireside and Sunday roasts. Well-behaved children are welcome up to 8pm. Ill-behaved ones will be treated to one of the landlord’s fiercest glares. www.theprestonvillearms.co.uk

Isy Suttie is bringing her entertaining and original brand of music and humour to the Brighton Comedy Festival. The Hussy caught up with Isy, aka Peep Show’s Dobby, over a glass of port…

Is acting and performing what you’ve always wanted to do? And do you incorporate the guitar into your act because of some long-cherished dreams of being a rock star?

Yes, apart from when I jumped off a bridge for a £1 bet when I was 13 and broke my ankle. Laid up, I watched Wimbledon for six weeks solid and decided to become a tennis player. I planned to get up at five every day to make up for “the lost years of training”. I did this for one day, hit the ball twice and went back to bed. I would love to be in a band eventually – perhaps not a rock band but something with as many different instruments in it as possible.

One of the fictional characters in your show is Amy Winehouse’s cousin, Yvonne. That would be tough. Not many families would consider Amy an ideal role model, would they?

Actually my parents probably would, because she’s got a discernible career. I was thinking about what it would be like to be related to someone really rock ‘n’ roll but be pretty straight down the line yourself. So Yvonne is a 40-somethingyear- old housewife from Surrey who does health and safety songs with her husband in libraries and hospitals. I’d love to do the character in front of Amy one day.

You’ve got over 1,000 friends on MySpace. Surely you’ve not met every single one of them? I say yes to anyone unless they’re obviously a paedophile or a twat. And, on the Facebook page for your Brighton show, you’ve got one confirmed guest…

Wow, I haven’t ever been on Facebook so that’s lovely! Thank you, that person!

Any favourite Brighton things to do?

I’ve spent a few ace nights in the Funky Buddha Lounge. All I hope is that, wherever I am, there will be port and adventures. I reckon Brighton can be like that.

Why should people come and see your show – who is it aimed at?

It’s uplifting, upbeat, silly and there’s lots of music. It’s for anyone who hasn’t let go of their dreams.

This is The Hussy’s first issue. Any advice? What would your dream magazine feature be?

Keep it real. You could do an article about derelict buildings in Sussex. Everyone loves a derelict building or two. And you could do a page with a mask on it which people can make into a face of their mate who never buys a round. Then in the pub, they could put the mask on, and in their bar-shy friend’s voice say: “I never buy rounds but today I’m going to.” Then the mate would understand it’s their turn to buy a round.

Tickets to see Leonard Cohen in Brighton are on eBay for upward of £220. At the age of 74 and not having toured for 15 years, can he really be worth that? The Hussy caught him at Glastonbury

Cohen is on the road as part of a globetrot prompted when his former manager stole virtually all his savings. So with this tour being somewhat forced on him by pension concerns, there were more than a few in the audience half-expecting to see a creaking, oncemighty troubadour reeled out to run perfunctorily if competently through a few greatest hits.

Those who had witnessed, say, James Brown, Lou Reed or Paul McCartney on Glastonbury’s pyramid stage during previous summers knew the drill: this was unlikely to be a performance of transporting beauty, more one of well-loved tunes performed by a not-quite burned-out legend, occasional sparks flicking from the embers.

Not this time. Cohen remains pure class: urbane, charming, sublime. He conveyed a talent, warmth and dignity that transfixed all. Coolly besuited, he raised his fedora in between songs, held it to his chest and bowed slightly as he beamed at us: “Thank you friends. What a privilege. What a beautiful night.”

Beautiful indeed. Cohen took us through his mighty back-catalogue with a voice that, unlikely as it may seem as he approaches his 75th year, has grown deeper, richer and more powerful. We met Marianne and Suzanne almost as if for the first time. I’m Your Man was a joy. If Bird on a Wire had many on the brink of tears, an intensely emotional Hallelujah pushed them over it.

It was a compelling performance; it must be rare that the pyramid field, which holds some 80,000 people – nearly half of the vast festival – has felt so intimate. The backing music was tight, while sparse enough to allow the lyrical wit and poetry to shine through.

As for the ‘arch miserabilist’ tag, forget it. Wry, goodhumoured and self-deprecating, Cohen seems not only a consummate artist but an utterly nice bloke who enjoyed our enjoyment as much as we did. Everyone, from mildly curious teenagers to nostalgic old hippies to those who had simply got lost on their way back from the cider bus, appeared mesmerised.

Leonard Cohen is playing the Brighton Centre on 28 November

Go and see him in Brighton if you’re able. If he’s even half as impressive as he was this summer you’ll thank us. And if he’s not, well first we’ll take Moulscombe. Then we’ll take Berlin.