Brighton Bestiary#1

Brighton Bestiary

The Real Ale Drinker

 

The Real Ale Drinker is a curious species, rarely seen outside of its natural habitat, the pub. Although it tends to lead a highly solitary life, the Real Ale Drinker will nevertheless undertake lengthy journeys across town to convene with the rest of its fold. Once there, it seldom leaves. Such creatures are easy to spot in places like The Evening Star and The Nelson – on account of their wiry beard-growth, veiny noses, and bulging beer-guts. These physical characteristics are invariably brought on by the peculiarities of their diet. Real Ale Drinkers, of course, feed solely on organic-hops and Brannigans.

 

The Real Ale Drinker will sit atop his perch for hours at a stretch, slurring animatedly about the respective merits of Kentish Bitters. Conservations of this sort rarely end unless one party slides off their stool in a slump-sack of piss and mouth-foam. When confronted, however, this otherwise docile creature may become aggressive and – depending on their level of inebriation – launch into a rant about chain-pubs and microbreweries. The best way to provoke them is to go up to the bar and ask for a pint of Stella or Fosters. To even utter such words in the presence of a Real Ale Drinker produces a sort of Pavlovian response whereby they will force-feed you whatever potent beverage they’re drinking at the time. Another curious fact about this species is that they are all male. Little is known of their mating rituals and that is probably a good thing.

Tags: Beachdownwriter

1. February 25th 2009 | 1
   

     Scratchbodies says:

   Another giveaway of the real ale drinker is fuggy smell they emit and the stains they leave on the bar stools.

   Scratchbodies’s last blog post..Wedding Tips Part 1

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